The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
NIve been working really hard at not whining or complaining as much as I used to do. I know that I have the power to change things that make me unhappy. I know that feelings arent facts. But, I think that as a newbie at this, Im beginning to just "stuff". So, right or wrong, these are my feelings. Im sad. Im depresssed. Im angry. Im anxious. I miss my exA. It is his birthday weekend. A movie we were both looking forward to seeing was released. I want to go. With him. I want the happy times back. I miss him. I miss the good things. I can male a list grom here to the other side'vof the world of all the crap, but I still miss him. I still worry about him. I am agraid he has moved in o
On to someone else and is spending it with her. Im afraid he is going to spend the weekend drunk out of his mind. Im afraid Ill finally hear from him. I hate that Im sitting here on the floor of my bathroom so that my kids wont see me cry. I hate that I am still so obsessed with him even though I havent spoken to him in two months. I hate how broken I am. I cant figure out if I am havinh good recovery habits, or jusst beating myself up to keep from thinking about it. I am still struggling to eat...I have lost 14 lbs. I am still struggling to sleep. Yes, Im having a nice pity party tonight. Im lonely. I dont feel like I can say these things to anyone else. Im making it a moment at a time. Im really freaking tired. On top of it all, Im having friend drama...Im so trying to detach and learn from it. The best I can understand is that she was my enabler, an rescuer, and.now she is not happy with me trrying to take charhw of my well being. This sucks. Love tou guys so much thank you for listwning.
Dont know if this will make you feel better, but I had over 20 years of Alanon, many years of meditation, reading material, affermations, my ODAT book, all the weapontry I could hold and it still hurt like hell when I separated from my X Alcoholic 5 years ago, I felt like I had lost my best friend and I had, besides all the hell he went thru and all the hell he put me thru, I still missed him. We cant press a button or rub a magic lamp and all the years just melt away. And what makes it even worse, because when there were good times there were very good times. Almost magic.
Mourn it, thats what I had to do, If you want to cry, cry until you cant cry anymore. As long as you keep putting effort into working the program I promise you will come thru the other side. One thing Alanon helped me with was to not walk backwards, to keep moving forward. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Without you even realizing. Try to enjoy those things there are to enjoy.
Keep coming back, because it works if you work it.
Please try to take care of yourself, read some Al-anon books and other posts here on MIP about obsessing. I used to think I couldn't live or breathe when my exAH and I split up. Over time I learned I was just super codependent and didn't want to face being alone and myself. Melody Beattie has some great books. After I made it to several meetings and realized I needed a sponsor and that I was slowly getting better, I felt like I would be better than okay alone with my kids showing them a different life for us all. It's about progress not perfection. Take this one hour and think of all you can do with it for yourself and or kids. Sometimes new hobbies and being busy can be a blessing as long as it is healthy. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I miss mine today too. I realize, however, that there are few good times to remember. I am remembering the fantasy. Today as I sat in the movies with my daughter and niece I thought how nice it would be to have him with us. Then I remembered that he wouldn't be!! Today he probably spent the day in the garage or in his bed watching tv. Those were his reasons for not joining me on outings. He would have been angry at me for asking him to do things he didn't like to do. Asking him to the movies would have been a "test" to him. After all of these reasons he would have told me that I need to be more independent. This is what I'm missing?! Reality check. I have been happier without him. Some days are hard, but they usually are if I'm not integrating enough program into my routine. Today as I missed him I thought about when he went through post acute withdrawal syndrome. That's what I feel is going on here. Cravings. Withdrawals. They are real, but they can be overcome. The love I think I feel really is not. It's my addiction to him, my obsession. if we were together my day would have been spent obsessing over why he wouldn't join us and having my feelings hurt. I would not have been emotionally present did myself nor my girls. I would have spent the evening in the bathroom calling him and crying. After being too occupied/tired/selfish to join me for the outing he would have asked me to come sleepover. He wouldn't be too tired for sex, tv, and ice cream. In the morning he'd be off doing his thing happy with me laying in bed all day until he was ready for sex again. I'd be all crazy and resentful feeling like he only wants things on his terms. Exhausted from all the emotional garbage I'd be holding in I still wouldn't sleep well and wake up tired again Monday am for work. Then, he would refuse to see me all week and the following weekend would be the same. Maybe he'd tell me he didn't really feel like seeing me for a couple weeks because he likes missing me. What is there to miss about him? Really? I did this same thing over and over for 2 years with even more trauma in between. He and I didn't have a healthy relationship from the beginning so I have he blessing of not being able to reminisce over the good times. What good times? If you put all the good times from 2 years together I bet it would total no more than about 60 days. So, today I am missing addiction, not love. I miss the highs with him that always ended up as lows.
Wow , thanks all for those posts. CDK I can totally relate to your feelings, the missing, the anger, the 'beating up yourslef', the pitying. But then I read Chaya's post, and this is also so true.
See, Today is my birthday, not that I care much, but I'm all alone in one part of the world, far away from family and friends, without my so called support system. and then those days can feel a bit weird. My A is not there, not a sign, too busy licking his wounds. Absent, as so many times before. He backed out on so many situations where it would have been supportive to me that he shows presence. And those were never big things, small moments, support gestures. What makes me speechless about myself sometimes, is...why do I still try to count on him, where it has been proved many times that I can't, that he doesn't want to have that role in my life. He is that friend, when I need a shoulder to rest on and incline to it, well he makes a step back, and I fall on my nose, because that already seems like an expectation to him, and he can't deal with those....my mistake. Any sign of weakness, as small as it might be, is not tolerated by people like him, because it would take the attention from themselves, for a little moment in time, and they simply can't have that. Jealousy overcomes them. They love you, but this love stops where it is not about them anymore.
I learn to trust and love myself more that way actually, which is a good thing. But it's the hard way i noticed, and it doesn't have to be necessarily THAT hard.
So I try to turn my focus to those other little angels out there that can make your day in a second, with a kind gesture, look, a moment they give to you for free, without even asking, simply out of compassion. So I learn these days to see the little angels again, because I tend to get blinded by words without actions. Still open to surprises, of course, and I will also try to keep taht with me. For surprises are always a refreshing thing.
dividing the full amount of attention and affection I gave to my A in the relationship, and breaking it up in smaller parts, more manageable emotionally, and give it to the little angels that come along. It is a real pleasure and no wasted energy, I get rewarded by a true smile. Well I take those rather than excuses these days.
Have a good day, big hug and a warm smile in your direction in support.
Thank you so very much everyone. As always, wonderful aEsh. I do feel a little better having owned my feelings. I tend to deny them. Im glad I can come here, and have them be productive instead of tidal waving thru my offline life. Yes, it is totally withdrawal and being alone. It makes sense really, after the positive week Ive had. Being healthy still feels unnatural, and therefore scary. Plus, I habe a tough week ahead of me having to see my exfriend to finish off a commitment I made. It makes sense that I would reveet back to familiar pain to avoid the new pain. Ugh. I hope I get better someday! Its like I dont know what to do unless I am miswrable! I read some meditations, wrote ,yself a love letter, wrote affirmations, and a gratitude and asset list. I also ate a bit. Im going tto pray and sleep now. Tomorrow is a new day. Love to all.
It was brutal when I finally started living alone. It did put me in a much healthier and independent spot though. It was something I had to go through to get to a better place.
