This weekend is a rough one .. Surrounded by siblings and family members while we work on a move from one house to another ..  When I'm in recovery with others, it's such a great feeling of serenity and unity .. There is no division .. Things are better than they used to be with my siblings .. Recognizing none of us are the same people we were 25 years ago .. Even recognizing my recovery is what's real in my life .. PreRecovery, life was more of a fantasy based on shoulds, what ifs, past, future, etc..

Today, however, I'm spending time with one sibling specifically and seeing some patterns .. There are no hostile exchange of words, in fact, there aren't too many words period; just observations ..

When I spent time with the addict in my life, most of the time it was the invisible feeling like do i even count ? Recognizing i still feel invisible in my family today (to a degree) .. I realize my reaction to growing up the way I did was normal .. There was no physical, sexual abuse, etc.. but emotional yes .. my emotions and thinking were hurt .. not as in boo hoo but damaged .. Today, however, I'm in the process of finding my voice ..

It's hard to focus on me because I recognize i feel off because of the off behaviors .. seeing this sibling not talk to me until others are around and then it's more of a show for their benefit; hers included .. I realise there's been pain in my life and what's not being said that i know is that this sibling finds it hard to be around me period .. I believe I trigger things in her .. True there's been pain in my life but i think she takes it on and the piece in recovery i get is .. She is only seeing the surface .. The gifts many times are through the processing of the pain .. if i want what they have i have to be willing to do what they've done .. the work which means the pain .. i get it because several months back an alanon member listened to me share .. (a newcomer at least in talking) .. she said to me .. "i wanna get where you are"  .. I looked at her and "thought .. you do ??? you want this ?? all the pain ?? so i get it now .. this is Not the priceless gift of recovery .. we Do pay a price but the price we pay is nothing compared to what we get .. when we get it .. nothing in the world can replace it .. it's worth the loss and the costs .. This sibling that has a hard time being around me now .. may see it someday .. the fruit of the work .. but in the meantime .. it's a Loving God as he expresses himself and because I don't know yet what to say or do i can do nothing but post in here ..

The behavior Feels like a slam to my self esteem .. feeling sorry (for me?) she is becoming emotionally responsible for me .. seeing that as i type .. hate it .. and who knows maybe more so a slam to my ego .. i have tried to talk to her .. when i talk to her about anything even simple, she walks away .. but when there's a show .. what i'm seeing is that her words aren't matching her actions .. When everyone leaves she'll stop, look at me and say .. what's wrong ? are you ok ? she's obliviously to her own behavior and when it comes to the family she is surely the Center .. thanks for letting me vent .. share .. I still have another several days to get through .. keep is the key word .. very hard to keep the focus on me but then again .. Sharing what I'm feeling Is keeping the focus on me .. (my feelings, etc.. ) I don't want to harm, criticise this person at all .. she's my sister; i love her .. i just know she isn't "Aware" ..