sudden surge of anger - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

sudden surge of anger

debhud · Veteran Member

my god! i don't know what is going on. i work my program and usually am happy and have peace within myself.

yesterday i went to visit my active AS. was talking to him about going up to our cottage to do some work. (something he has been procrastinating about for months) he said, "mom, you know i am in a rut!" meaning, no i don't plan on going up to cottage)

while he said this, he was texting on his phone. i sat there waiting to continue our conversation. i asked him another question which he ignored and continued texting. then he looked on his facebook. i got so pissed. i stood up and said "i'm leaving. call me when it's convenient for you" and i left.

he is a 36 year old man, not a kid and i thought it was so rude for him to text. i got thinking about why i was so angry and why i was going to allow it to affect me. i came to realize, it probably was not the texting that caused me to be angry but alot of other things.

mad at the world today. meeting tonight!!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sure it was a lot of other things - Sounds like you are more concerned about him treading over your boundaries and also the way he acts is frustrating and partly due to his disease (being alcoholic or addict is not a full excuse for being irrespsponsible, disrespectful, and/or lazy). It is frustrating and I often have wondered why other people get "free passes" on work, responsibility, empathy...etc...when I do not. I try not to dwell on those folks and those situations cuz it takes from my serenity and throws me into self pity. It would be much harder to find serenity again if it was my own child acting that way. I am sorry you are having to face this.

katfshh · Senior Member

I think I would have felt the same way. It's human, ya know. I have a hard time with this kind of stuff. Thanks for your post. I learn from others when they post how they feel about certain situations. It really is helpful.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Debhud,

First your son is a 36 year old man, not a child and sounds like its been a lifetime of trying to get him to be responsible and respectful. For your own serenity it would be good for you to detach from the situation that is going to make you upset and angry. You know you cant change him, he's already grown. Does he use the Cottage? Well if he is going to act like an irresponsible child, treat him like one, I would not allow him to go there.

I get the feeling you know what to do, but we are only human, we get angry and need to vent.

In support, hugs, Bettina

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Did he invite you over or did you just show up?

For one thing if he started using when he was 13, then a lot of him is still 13 years old.

He is now at the age most men clear back thru time go thru this change thing. Yes men go through things just like women do.

They are an adult but have they done anything worthwhile? Are they happy? Do they have any dreams?

Anyway I just learned from my non A son, that he needs me to not mother him at all. Not ask him to do things, not ask for things.

I learned he has his own real feelings, I have no right to try to make him feel better or nurture. He is a man. My life is complicated. I do have many needs that are difficult if not impossible anymore for me to do alone.

I learned to stop asking for help no matter what it is. If I really need something I ask first if its ok to ask him about something. I want him to know that I know he has his own busy life too. Not he has to drop things for me.

Now I am dealing with my health, then I break my foot and hand. I asked for nothing.

I am not kidding you he calls and checks on me, he took me and got me groceries and some great sandals that are high like the cast boot thing. Most all the time he calls I say I am fine and thankyou so much for asking if i need anything.

To me when I read your post, I got a feeling of wanting you to step back. Not leave him, but allow him to come to you. Needs you to be NOT dependant on him for anything. He has his own life to figure out. The last thing he needs is for you to be mad. He needs you to understand he needs his space.

The way he told you was hurtful, so was my sons way. But they don't know how to say it any other way. They don't necessarily know what or why this is going on. He cannot say mom stop being a mom! I think it is us having to learn to stop raising them, give them lots of space, lots. He cannot does not want to hurt you. they just want us to go away for awhile!

I have no idea if this is it at all. Its my esh. hugs, debilyn

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