The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wow what a week! Up & down as fast as I could! Then I had a good talk with my sponsor, had a good meeting, got some great suppoert here, did a lot of reading & leveled myself out again. I learned a lot about myself in the process as well. I find my old ways fighting the new ways of the program. (FEAR!!!!) I shifted my weight so I would fall into the new way (I hope!!!) I hope I have crossed that threshold. Any one else have that moment where you had to accept the change? I mean I have been accepting things right along but it seemed like I needed a breaking point to really "get it".
A few weeks ago I sat in on an AA meeting & someone I was talking to said that their REAL bottom was a few months into sobriety, after he could really understand the consequences of his actions. I feel kind of like that, like I had a bottom that got me to ALANON months ago & one now where I have to wholeheartedly accept the program. Not just reading slogans & sayings that help, but accepting them.
Anyway, I feel SOOOOO much better! I'm not letting AW's actions cause a reaction by me. I feel like I just took a long deep breath. Thank you all for being there while I kicked & screamed!
Oh yeah, I think a lot of people in the program experience that.
I knew I needed the program when I entered... I also went in with my eyes wide open understanding that the program was there for me to work on myself (not that I was there to figure out how to change someone else), but I still didn't know how deep that rabbit hole went!
I feel like I've experienced several little "break and reset" moments throughout the program. I think that's the nature of a program where I'm working on changing my behaviors and re-establishing who I am and want to be. It's not as clear-cut as watching myself abstain from alcohol, as an AA member would see. It's so very subtle sometimes, until one day I find myself down on my knees crying "uncle!" to my HP.
You know what Country Boy? You totally got me pegged in that share! It could have been me writing it. :o). I've had a very similar experience lately. I've been in Al-anon a while now. It was a huge step for me to finally admit I needed help, but I was so desperate at the time that I crawled in on my hands and knees, starved of support and reaching out. That crisis phase passed as I became part of the group, and was coming to meetings for a while and settled in. Then this kind of resistance thing kicked in, where the old comfort zone was calling me back, and the 'old behaviours' part of me started upping the ante, trying to convince me I was ok without actually really working the program. Only recently, after sticking with it through those growing spurts and almost ambiguity, and allowing the program to sink in drip by drip, has it all finally tipped the scales. I've egun tobrealise the slogans and principles on an experiential level, and embracing them deep inside. Thanks for sharing that CB...it's good to know I'm not alone on this journey! Tigger x
I call it sliding, you know a step forward and almost two back. I find when I catch myself and really start re examining my program I've actually grown in ways I never knew. Thanks for keeping it real and sharing! Keep coming back! hugs ;)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I like this too. I came here originally over two years ago. At that time I was thinking if I did this for me then HE would change in the process. Now, I come here and try to figure out why I respond the way I do. I see how many relapses I have had in the process of my A's relapses. It is definately a slow growth for me, but there is growth. I am commited to doing what is best for me and my life now. 2 years ago, I would have done anything to rescue my A.
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
