The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week, RAH and I got into an argument--as usual, over something that should not require arguing over. I kept trying to detach from the situation, then would find myself wanting to defend myself against the senseless insults and accusations, detach, get sucked in, etc. I was able to walk away after about 15 minutes but was not happy with myself that I engaged at all.
Anyway, I thought and prayed about it for quite awhile and then went to bed. The next morning, I woke up expecting to feel sort of worn out and tired from having experienced the same old thing yet again, when I noticed...I was filled with the most overwhelming feeling of compassion! Not anger, not confusion, just compassion.
Somehow, it was so absolutely clear to me that my RAH operates from such a place of fear in his life, that he can't help but try to create situations of chaos. It's a coping mechanism. It's familiar...it's how he grew up, in an alcoholic family. I came to realize that it has absolutely nothing to do with me (well, other than the fact that I engaged in the argument at all). It is simply his way of relating to the world.
I felt such compassion for him since that is how he has had to go through life all this time. No wonder he felt compelled to drink all those years! He simply doesn't know a better way to handle things. He is sick, as am I in this relationship.
I also realized, that it is not my job to help him see a "better" way to handle things--that is between him and his HP. What I think I need to do is bring the best "me" I can to the relationship, set my boundaries as to how I expect to be treated and get out of the way and let his HP do the work! Duh! Isn't that what I've been reading here for months? Slow learner, I guess
Since this happened, I feel like a thousand pounds have been lifted from my shoulders. I have been filled with such joy. I am completely uncertain if our marriage will survive or not, but I am ok with that. Whatever happens will be HP's plan for us. Obviously I have much to learn from this relationship and it has been given to me as a way to learn more about myself, among other things.
Somehow, it was so absolutely clear to me that my RAH operates from such a place of fear in his life, that he can't help but try to create situations of chaos. It's a coping mechanism. It's familiar...it's how he grew up, in an alcoholic family. I came to realize that it has absolutely nothing to do with me (well, other than the fact that I engaged in the argument at all). It is simply his way of relating to the world.
I felt such compassion for him since that is how he has had to go through life all this time. No wonder he felt compelled to drink all those years! He simply doesn't know a better way to handle things. He is sick, as am I in thisrelationship.
I am trying to learn and understand this.....about my son....I know he is in such pain in his life, however not having the tools to deal with it, I have dealt with it wrong which I kno is not helping him. I am learning to change my ways.
My question is how do I deal with feeling responsible for him growing up in an alcoholic family? I made him, I bred him (as my hubby says), I reared him, and now he is here and a total mess. I feel major guilt for this....although I know I cannot change it.
Soooo how do moms and dads of alcoholics process and understand this information?
Wanderer, I loved what you shared today! I needed to read it, to remind myself that my AH really has no other way of coping. I guess I always wished that he'd work hard to find better ways to communicate or express himself, other than going on anti-depressants but he just doesn't want to do the hard work. Compassion is hard for me because I see a human who has choices and he can choose healthy, he can choose to go to AA, he can choose to get counseling. Unfortunately, he hasn't chosen those things and I want to grow and move forward. When you're married to someone you love you want them to grow and get emotionally healthy with you and that's why I struggle so much. Thank you for reminding me to 'bring the best me', that's important to remember.
Good work. It definitely takes the sting out of the argument and helps you detach. Doesn't make being insulted tolerable but it will definitely have you walking away and disengaging much faster next time.
It's tricky to have the insight you just developed, to have the compassion, yet still know when you are not going to tolerate unacceptable behaviors.
