The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Left a message with my sponsor, first, though. I try to make it my practice if I'm getting really off-balance to make calling her the first step in returning myself to some measure of sanity. Since she's not available, however, I figure I'll just pop on here and mind-dump.
Just venting - just expressing my challenges. No advise or suggestions required. I'm sure you all understand that!
I just know I'm needing a good spiritual shot in the arm because the emotions are just popping up and it's not my "normal" time of the month to be emotional like this.
So what's chewing at me?
#1. My family. My family, my family, my family. I wrote in here a while ago that they're all in an upheaval due to some members smoking pot over Thanksgiving around my father and brother and they've decided they don't want to be around if there's going to be people smoking pot.
I'm flying out in a couple weeks to visit family for vacation and told them it would be nice to get together for lunch at a restaurant somewhere (you know, neutral territory). A few weeks ago everyone responded that they were okay with it. Now one of my cousins is backing out (she's engaged to one of the pot smokers), my aunt is sending emails explaining and justifying for the addicts, and my grandma is emailing my dad guilting him saying "have you thought about how Kelly must feel?" AUGH! It sounds mean but I'd love to give my little grandma a firm shake. Don't bring ME into this!
So, I do feel like I want to respond to all the madness, but I do know I need to step back and pause before I say something snarky or condescending. Really people. It's LUNCH. That's it.
#2. I'm starting to feel a little emotional in regards to this new relationship I'm in. Overall, I feel really fantastic and blessed that HP thought to have me and this man meet. He doesn't smoke, drink, do any drugs. He's sweet, affectionate, caring (I will say I see Al-Anon traits in him, haha). He's in the military service, however, and he will be going on deployment. He departs while I'm out visiting my family, so I won't be able to see him before he goes.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't going to miss him. In fact, I'm starting to see more mental and emotional attachments forming and it kind of scares me. I don't feel anxious or nervous around him. I don't get red flags around him. Heck, even my sponsor has met him in person and she told me she didn't get any red flags.
I just get worried about my OWN behaviors and just pray to HP every day that the caring feelings I have for him aren't precursors to old sick co-dependent behaviors on my part. I don't THINK I'm going there, though. I just know I really like him and the thought of not being in touch with him quite so much has me feeling a bit sad.
And then I read on the news today about some amazing guy in the Canadian Navy who just got sent out on an 8-month deployment who left his wife a little black box full of 240+ love notes - one for each day that he's to be gone. And I just about cried. It's so sweet. And it's the kind of thing I know this guy I'm dating would do. And then I think it would be really cool to send HIM several letters while he's out, just because I would feel good doing it. And then I swoop right back over to feeling freaked out by that because those kind of gestures can be like sick co-dependent behaviors, too.
I guess I have to ask myself about my motives. Would I be doing those kinds of things because I'm afraid of being alone... because I want to "snare" the guy. Or am I doing it just because I'm practicing being a good human being, treating others how I would like to be treated.
When I really honestly ask myself that question, I know it's NOT the motive of trying to reel him him. It's just because I think it would be a nice gesture.
So yeah... you see... Miss Aloha gets mighty batty at times. It's like something I read once a while ago in a Forum... "being in a relationship is like pouring fertilizer on my character defects."
But the silver lining to all of this is that I'm actually AWARE and watching this. Asking myself these questions instead of just blindly rushing in. And I do feel it's a total blessing that this new relationship I am experiencing puts these long forced pauses in with the distance and the long missions away.
Whew. Breathe. Just one day at a time. I don't have to answer all these questions now... But wow. It's good just blurting everything out right now that's been jumping around in my mind. I feel so much better.
As if saying no advice needed ever stopped ne! I think you could enjoy your family members singly or in small, amiable groups. No need to try to herd all of them into one corral just because it might warm your cockles. If they want to see each other, they are big kids and can arrange it on their own. Happy friendships and dating and stuff! 'Over and out. Blessings, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Aloha...Aloha...(I always chuckle when I do that lol) Here are some ((((hugs)))) for a really human, non-perfect or cured Al-Anon sister. I was on your side of the mountains yesterday...shoulda looked in and didn't and then I never do huh?...just hit and run. Anyway I'm being reminded (thank you) of a lesson I got from a former sponsor; about fear, panic, terror and plain ole massive freak out!! We...he and I discovered in one of my inventories that my greatest emotional character defect was FEAR!! and that I was handling it in very insane and unacceptable ways. He decided that maybe I should learn to not go from 0 to 160 mph fear in a micro-second by giving myself more time, like you've done here, to look at the situation for a while, off and on, not completely focused on it like a career. He suggested that I use caution rather than outright FEAR!! all the time and see how that would work...tone it down...feel some lesser anxiety rather than the end product. It worked for me. In anxiety I can calmly look at the large bunch of choices I have and pick and choose some to act on. That's what I'm hearing you say now and I appreciate it. The relationship after the relationship with an alcoholic and Al-Anon membership...This is a test...this is only a test. With Aloha...((((hugs))))
When I was dating a guy in the service when I was in high school I sent him a couple cute short letters a week for his 6 month deployment and when he came back home he told me how very much it meant to him and helped him get to know me better, he also wrote to me when he could and it was very nice. Don't over think everything and just enjoy having someone. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I was able to get in touch with my sponsor last night and she had the same sentiments.
I reflected with her then... because it finally dawned on me... that I was in the midst of my illness because I was looking at a really good situation and was already expecting the other shoe to drop! Thank goodness for reality checks and reasoning things out with other people. :)
Giant (HUGS) to you all.
And thank you, Jerry.. your FEAR!!! comments had me cracking up. And YES, the next time you're on the dry side you've gotta swing by!!
I had a pretty interesting experience with my family of origin the last visit I had.
I think the key thing to remember is that they are ill/dysfunctional and enmeshed so to expect that.
I can't say what I would do for the romance thing. The issue for me is to always go really really fast. I can drown in the romance stuff and not keep my eye out for compatiblity and other issues.
