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Today wasn't a good day. ABF out of rehab, me available to talk (what was i thinking again??), him torn between 'I hate you' -'i love you', accusing me, that he has been through hell, and all of it just for our love (he was a non-discovered alcoholic when we met, with my presence and awareness he had to come out in the light, to himself, because he was mainly fooling himself with his huuuuuge attitude)...anyway.luckily I came in contact with Al Anon right away for my own health, reading a lot, learning a lot....I tried to prepare mentally for this day when he would come out. His attitude changed into ...another attitude, now the one 'I am the only one suffering here, you have no idea.....'(like he wants to enter a competition 'who has a more 'xxxx' up head, me or you') 'I am free of alcohol now, I'm cured', 'it's not about you, it's about me' (again again again....) and 'I don't see a future between you and me, stay away from me, you triggered all this' ... and some more irrational statuses that don't work together...
ok, as I said, since I am the only person he his talking straight from the heart with,and still there caring for him, I'm also the person who gets all the blame. i prepared, ...well i couldn't prepare enough. I know my role in all this and deal with it, fine.
But why do I feel so hurt, so lonely, why do I feel like I'm the one putting him through all this. He himself decided to want this change, because he wanted a better life for him and me, because he loves me so much and doesn't want to loose what we have. his own decision, one healthy day. Now he makes me feel guilty, because his head has been messed up in rehab...and I know I shouldn't react to none of this, because it isn't healthy talk. He just throws it all at me, because I'm easier to blame than himself. He needs a responsible, here I am. Me feeling stupid, little, ignorant, careless when I was worried every day he was in there, about his state of mind and his fears. Feeling guilt...and anger..and sadness.and I've read it a 100 times here in your stories....
I was told already 'let him go',and i knew then and I know today, yes I am. And chaos will leave and peace will come back, i know that. Today I just felt like somebody has abused me, beaten me up, and I felt helpless, since I felt like 'any move you make right now is a move in the wrong direction'... that's a scary feeling. And I was waiting for that moment 'Hey love, so how did you feel all those days'...but it never came. Just got my ass kicked on top. He sits there and almost laughs at me, about my weakness and my broken heart. Or maybe I'm even invisible. And I wonder 'Where is his heart?where do they hide it, can people live a long time without a heart???'.... nowadays he might not have the alcohol to keep him numb towards reality, he is on strong medication that makes him dizzy and that keeps him from reality now. So basically , I have the same icecold stranger sitting in front of me. I can only wish he has an awakening one day... and then I hope I will be far away. or maybe he gets a new relationship with the world of addictions.
letting you know: I'M OUT; I'M GIVING UP...TAKE IT ALL AWAY, PLEASE, even the memory, it was probably a manipulated lie anyway. TAKE IT and DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE, I CAN'T.
Today I was just crying inside out. I want my smile back!
thank you for letting me share.hope tomorrow is a stronger day.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 19th of July 2012 01:07:15 PM
Sending lots of love and encouragement your way! It's so confusing... the love, the hate, the unhappiness, the good memories, the manipuation and confusion... My husband is in a longterm rehab program and the director has told me several times that they are usually always very mean for the first month or so when they quit drinking or drugging... but that doesn't mean that I have to put up with it and take it.... Hang in there and take care of yourself. Spend some time with your HP and ask your HP to help you know what to do and how to deal with all of this chaos of emotions... Several weeks ago my AH and I were talking on the phone and we ended up in a merry-go-round of arguing and I was so confused when we hung up that I didn't even know which way was up. He had laughed at me a few times and accused me of being the manipulator and all sorts of other crazy things... I just had to accept that I can't change him and that I need to love myself, even if that means keeping my distance until I feel safe again. Sometimes I wonder if my AH has a heart too... It's like he can turn it off and on at his convenience...
(((((((HUGS!!!!!)))))))
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Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
That sounds very painful, I'm sorry you have to go through this. But I think you were right when you said chaos will leave and peace will return. Hold onto that, sometimes chaos has a hard time breaking away from us, but it will. He's sick nothing he's doing makes sense, I'm not sure it's worth trying. I still don't understand my ex. He was so mean to me, so horrible then when I left he just couldnt' believe it. It was a total shock and I just wonder how far into denial he was about his behavior.
Big hug, do you have support or a face-to-face meeting of friends or family you can lean on through this? I had a lot of support through mine and it made it bearable.
Someone said planning our lives with and around someone soaked with alcohol is the same as turning our lives over to a mental patient. We need to quit reasoning/arguing with someone who is clearly not healthy. We tend to be in denial too and think we are carrying on with a healthy individual. When I remember this I get. His goal is to make me feel like shit, and projects his issues on to me. Mine used to play my life/problems are worse that yours too. He worked construction so I could never complain about anything hurting me or I would get you sit on your ass in an airconditioned office and so on and so on. He still calls to tell me how I ruined both our lifes by leaving him. Totally denial of what he did to make me leave.
Sorry you are feeling like this, but this is what he wants. Don't let him win. Knowledge is power!!!
(((((Tortuga))))) you said...."I know I shouldn't react to none of this,"
okay now use this slogan when ever it comes trigger time again. "Don't React"... given to you freely and being passed on from my former sponsor. I learned how not to react by learning and practicing detachment, compassion, empathy and self love. There is no law that says you just gotta stand in front of this and take it. The old timers will have lots of ESH to come also. Tom's share is one of my practices...it isn't just a cute statement...I do it. I like the one that says "I don't have to show up for every fight I am invited to". There's a ton more and I'm hoping to read more of them. When he's got that one finger pointing out at you check out how many are pointing back at him. You got big family here who loves and supports you. Turn him over. (((((hugs)))))
" I pray that I may learn it is not my function to direct or control another person, however close to me. I will also cease to be a crutch. I can live nobody's life but my own."
Thank you so much for those posts. And a big Hurray to those wise sponsors. I wish I had one of those too these days, but I can't really manage to find one, since I'm living in a developing country, I don't manage the language enough to share those matters, and society is also very secrete about any experience sharing, not that the problem of alcoholism doesn't exist here, IT DOES...but it is just one of 1000 taboos. anyway, that's why I am really thankful for the posts I get here with wise knowledge... I think I would have been lost in isolation by now without them. Many little 'unknown' sponsors out there. Thank you for sharing... and today is a new day indeed. Big hug family
Looks like you got a lot of good advice. Just wanted to add that my husband got out of rehab in mid-April. I too was expecting some meaningful moment of appreciation for standing by him but I got a lot of what you are describing. It has gotten better though. Hope he keeps on with his rehab/recovery and you do too.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
He worked construction so I could never complain about anything hurting me or I would get you sit on your ass in an airconditioned office and so on and so on.
Oh, I got this too. He owned a Handyman business and I am a Nurse, and work 12 hour shifts, but he would find a way to tell me that my job was a piece of cake compared to his. It was so bizarre, because I would start to defend myself. Then later thinking, really? I have lives in my hands, and your putting up someone's ceiling fan, and I defended myself over that? It just shows you how crazy the things they say and do are. It also shows how we can get caught up in it and really think that what they are saying has value.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Celing Fan....that's funny - my A son installed a ceiling fan two days ago and spent the money on vodka instead of putting the money in the gas tank to get to the next job!!!
I just love it when the A construction worker complains about his physical pain -- while giving absolutely no credit to that pint of vodka contributing to said pain -- it's ok to chug that pint tonite cause he's got a bottle of ibuprohen for a morning pick-me-up!!
My AF was able to do a few small jobs before he got so drunk all he could do is lay by the pool, and ride his bike to the store to get more vodka. He left here without leaving me a dime to contribute finacially to OUR home. He even took my engagement ring so he could sell it, because Poor him didn't have a job or money.
No Job? He had a business that was doing really well, was making good money. He had 100's of customers that called him left and right for handyman jobs. He choose to stop answering the phone and stay drunk! But, his logic is to sell my ring because he got screwed by our breakup?!
Totally insane.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
