A question regarding intimacy and our A's. - Al-Anon Family Group

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

A question regarding intimacy and our A's.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

K

Porn, shopping, gambling, eating can all be used as distractions and can become addictive.

In my opinion the problem with addiction is that none of these actions fill the Giant Hole within. Alcohol and porn etc are all solitary activities and alcoholics thrive in that environment. We are again powerless over all of these behaviors.

Good News we are not powerless over our own responses and that is where alanon enters the picture

Focus on ourselves helps to rebuild our lives and keep our lives in a positive direction. Thank God for alanon

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I think most men look at porn. Whether or not it is at an "addictive" level depends on how often and what negative repercussions it has for him.

I think most alcoholics (especially those without a recovery program) revert to hiding tactics in relationships out of shame and also because they have spouses that literally check on them to the degree they feel that they need to hide things.

CDK · Senior Member

My ex husband started with a very real porn addiction. Then, that wasnt satisfying enough, so he moved onto the strip bar...spending our grocery money on these activities. He was drinking then, but this was in the last 2 or 3 months of our marriage...I was more pissed about the porn and strippers. Not comfortable going into specifics of how it affected out sex life, but it wasnt goos. After we split up, he has become a full blown alcoholic in denial. (In fact, I found out the other day he got a dwi in fed.) Im not sure if my exbf had a porn problem, but ai dont think he did watched more than probably normal people do. Unless he hid that well. I know he pleasured himself multiple times a day on a daily basis more than most men I have known. *shrug*

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

My exAH was way into porn and early on he visited strip joints and even visited prostitutes a few times, he always admitted it, but it effected me, our relationship and yes our sex life. I am still unsure why he preferred objectifying woman over having a real live one that loved him at home, but even after he stopped the strip clubs and other stuff the porn never ended and was always easier for him to do than come to me, alas he is sick sick sick! Sending you love and support!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Thursday 19th of July 2012 09:05:44 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you raised this issue here where it is safe for you to ponder. I wish I had had a safe, healthy, confidential place to speak what was on my heart as I struggled with the same issues you are struggling with. My husband, who has been in recovery for about 3 years was addicted to pain meds, alcohol and less obvious, but more powerful, pornography/masturbation. He loaded himself with shame whenever he participated in any of these substances/practices. It was very tough for him to see/acknowledge the sexual addictions. For me, seeing how the sexual addiction affected me has been difficult and sobering; I accepted the blame for a very long time for him "having to" masturbate. A wonderful addiction counselor was so helpful for me...these issues are not easy to discuss in al anon meetings. I am still crawling out of the rabbit hole to regain the vibrancy that a healthy sexual relationship can offer. I honestly do not know, though, if I could be intimate with my hubbie if he was still using.

I hope this is helpful and feel free to message me if you would like to discuss this further...blessings

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha ELEKTRAWMN good to see your share again. I believe that even though alcoholism is a disease and not a moral issue there will always be that moral question regarding the behaviors...the questions and judgements on good and bad. Porn is more closely associated with the moral issues and also looked upon as "sick" behavior. For me the behavior like drunkedness or alcohol abuse or addiction is seen as bad and unacceptable; a very poor deprived choice. What I've learned is that there is an element of "self" satisfaction in both and even all other addictions. I use to call the behaviors "nerve ending" behaviors because certain "nerves" were stimulated and excited. It was for me the excitement that kept me attached to the behavior. I'm not into porn and never really have been. I don't know, nor care to explore the reason why however I did drink and am recovering and that was a nerve ending deally whopper for me. Lots of the time there is a question about mutual satisfaction and self satisfaction only the might be looked at. I'm gonna haunt this post for further growth. ((((hugs)))) smile

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

My guess is like pinkchip's, that most men look at porn. However, my ex would do anything rather than deal with a real three-dimensional woman. If porn is an add-on, I don't see that it needs to be damaging (I know others may disagree strongly). But I think we could all agree that when porn takes the place of real interactions with partner, that's got to damage the relationship. My ex would brag and swagger about how macho he was and how a waitress had flirted with him and how he could walk into a bar and any woman's head would turn, etc. But when it came to actually getting close to a woman, he was actually a bowl of jelly. I can't count the number of times we'd spend a nice evening out at a restaurant and it would be time to go home, and we'd be feeling all warm and close, and he'd suddenly say, "Hey! I feel like a drink! What about stopping off at a bar!"

I think the inability to cope with human interaction comfortably often goes hand-in-hand with alcoholism, whether it's a trigger or a result or both.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Frequent strip clubs and prostitutes would be the point where it's turning into a real sex addiction - JMO. I can see how being on the computer 24/7 looking at porn though would also be a sexual addiction.

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

Thank you all for your input. I know it's a private and difficult matter to discuss.

My A is nowhere near the point of being online 24/7 or going out to strip clubs or anything like that. Hell, how's he gonna get there? DUI=no license= wife drives everywhere. LOL "Hey Kat... mind taking me to the strip club?" LOL Ain't gonna happen. He's not even on the computer that much. It's just something that came up reading some of the posts, seeing a correlation in behaviors with the alcohol abuse. It's an occasional thing that causes me to regretfully "lose control". My first husband had a sex addiction. No alcoholism just the sex. He hid it, denied it, but was obsessed with it. I have a lot of emotional damage from that relationship that has carried over to this one unnecessarily.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

What mattie said about the way it's used to deflect the need to be emotionally intimate. My ex did that instead of dealing with real flesh he was avoiding actual dealing it came out in our sex life as well. He was a drug addict I don't know if he still is or not.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Simply going to say, it's just another way of getting high debilyn

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