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Hi everyone. It's been almost a year since I've been on the board. So many things have changed and unfortunately, I'm in a lost place again. I know I should have continued talking and helping others and I feel pretty selfish only showing up when I'm in turmoil again.
When I was last on, my A was just about to get out of jail. The 45 days really changed his views on life and our relationship. He was determined to stay sober and make a real life with my daughter and myself. Things actually went soooo well. He was involved. He actively sought work. He even made it to a couple of AA meetings. However, he decided to "do it" on his own. He didn't agree with a lot of what the meetings had to offer.
This past January my A and I took the plunge and got married. I wasn't expecting perfection. The love is there. The understanding is there. I made a VERY conscious decision that THIS is the man I want to be with, no matter how bad things had been between us.
Well, my A went ALMOST a year sober. We got in a terrible fight and he left and decided to get a six pack. He said it was to prove a point to me. It was horrible when he showed back up at the house drunk. I took my daughter to a friend's house and thought at some point I'd have to call the police. He eventually passed out and he paid for his doings with a bad hangover the next day. I never got mad at him for drinking. I knew through that whole time of sobriety he could pick up a drink at any moment. I was VERY disappointed though.
My daughter was out of town for 4th of July and my A told me he wanted to drink that night. I have been sober as well since he got out of jail (I never had a problem) and I decided that I'd drink with him. I think somewhere back in my mind I thought that I could control some aspect of it if we did it together. Things were fine that night. When we got up in the morning he said he was done with it. There would be no daily drinking and he might want to every couple of months or something but he was done with the addiction.
So fast forward to these past couple of weeks. Things haver really gone to hell. My anxiety and co-dependency has kicked into over drive. He seems to be withdrawing from me again. He's staying up all night playing his x-box. From some of the things I've witnessed I'm sure he's become involved in his internet porn sites as well. To top it off, A is ADHD. He recently got an RX for Adderall, which he used to take a few years ago. I never thought anything about it until I found a few empty capsules around. Like he's emptying them to take them. I know that some people crush them up and snort them or mix it with something to take the time release function out and get a quick high. BUT... he's not showing any signs of doing that. I asked him about it and of course he's denied taking them incorrectly. I'm so ashamed I actually counted pills. He has said from the beginning he keeps them at work so it IS quite possible that the missing ones are there.
I'm sorry for rambling. I just need to get everything out I guess. If he IS misusing his Adderall now I don't even know what I would do with knowing. We've been in a horrible argument the past few days and the more I say something the worse it gets.
I don't want my marriage to end. I really love him but I'm so torn. I don't want to give up but I KNOW I need to do the best for my daughter and myself.
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
So sorry, Kat, for what you're going through. We all know that relapse with an A is a serious possibility. My AH was dry for 15 years before he picked up a drink again. It's crazy-making, isn't it? Sounds like he's in full blown denial mode. My AH was(possibly is) there and nothing I say makes a dent. He justifies his behavior, denies it all and makes it look like I'm the crazy one, and immediately gets mad at me for even trying to talk to him about anything related to US or to his drinking. I, too, have done the "I'll drink with you" thing in an attempt to control or limit the amount they drink. My AH would see me open a bottle of wine, he'd start drinking his beer, and when I'd cork my bottle(after 1 glass) he'd go over there and finish the bottle for me after his beers and then pass out on the couch. Hmmm, guess my attempts at control didn't work, right?
I'm not sure about the Adderal thing. My AH takes paxil and trazadone for depression and I know he messes with his doses sometimes. Skipping weeks, then taking the meds on a schedule that is not what the doctor ordered. That's when the behavior gets weird, quite frankly.
Have you been to an Al Anon meeting? If you haven't before, this may be a good time to get a good support group going so you can make the right decisions for you and your daughter. Sending you lots of support today!
Thanks. I have yet to go to a meeting. My A is actually VERY threatened by the whole AlAnon thing. He thinks that it's a bunch of crabby people sitting around talking each other into getting divorced or split up or whatever. THAT is the main reason why I lost contact on here. In an effort to show MY support to him, I stopped this, lost connections with friends, etc. Guess THAT bit me in the butt, huh?
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
I hear you and understand. In an effort to support the person you loved you abandoned your support system and are now confused and anxious. This is part of our disease and one of the many self destructive actions that we need to recover from.
I found that I had been affected by the disease of alcoholism and that I needed alanon in order to develop new tools to live by. Alanon had all the answers that I needed to live a happy constructive life even if the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Meetings are essential in my learning how to break the isolation , focus on myself,and to live and let live. I never found meetings where we sat around planning divorce or ranting about another person.
Please check out the meetings again and attend at least 6 before deciding if alanon is for you. Keep coming here and sharing.
My AH hates Al Anon, although he won't come right out and say it. He used to use my meeting nights as good nights to tie one on. I totally understand but I never backed down or changed my new habits. I valued those meetings more than what he chose to do in his efforts to control me or control my newfound habits. He thinks it's the same thing: a bunch of people sitting around complaining and instructing each other how to go about a divorce, UGH!
I think my biggest issue right now is what to do regarding the pill situation. Do I ignore it? Do I keep count of how much he's taking? I still won't have any proof of abuse because he could have some at work.
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
In alanon we learn that we are powerless over people, places or things The temptation to check up on suspected abuse is in itself a symptom of our disease.
Meetings, steps, sponsers slogans all help to change or focus and feelings Pleae reconsider alanon .
Kat - If he is truly an alcholic/addict - There is a HUGE likelihood that he will relapse and, even in the event that it's not alcohol, that sickness will morph into something else. That is how addiction works. I think I met one person in my whole life that had to go to rehab and was then able to not be an addict/alchoholic who needed a recovery program afterwards. This is compared to the 3242390234zillion that I have met that had to go to rehab and DID need AA. Even being in AA, my alcholism morphs in unhealthy ways sometimes and I have to constantly be aware. I am saying this just so you know 1. He is an alcoholic. and 2. There will be sick behaviors associated with that and you are totally powerless over them.
Hence, the alanon is really the best thing you can do because it empowers you and lets you out of the prison his addiction is seeming to put you in. Whatever hard decisions are down the road for you - You do deserve to be empowered with both knowledge and support and alanon does have that to give to you.
Kat, I want to ask you a question: Does counting his pills make YOU feel any better? Or does it make you feel crazier or out of control? Take a step back and analyze your own behavior and see what will bring you peace. I used to count pills, too, because he was saying stuff that seemed very out of character so I felt I needed to know if he was taking his meds. He wasn't, but it didn't change HIS behavior, it didn't change what he did or didn't do, it just made me more crazy and more exhausted.
Believe me, I am totally new to a lot of this: addiction, codependency, and how my marriage has seemingly fallen apart in the last 9-12 months. People change and we only have control over how we change and grow, we can't make them change with us and we can't drag them along behind us on a rope hoping they will someday just catch up. Their life, their consequences, and it's in their control despite how out of control it really is(they don't see it this way). Make some decisions for you, try an Al Anon meeting, and keep coming back here. I hope I wasn't too hard on you, it's just that I'm still so 'in the trenches' right now and I know how miserable all that stuff can be and we do it to ourselves and then wonder why we feel so emotionally drained. Ummm, maybe it's the obsessing over things out of our own control? Sending you TONS of support today, girl!
Hugs kat!! So glad you are back I had just been thinking about you the other day I saw a post I was revisiting. Keep coming back!! Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I wasn't expecting perfection. The love is there. The understanding is there. I made a VERY conscious decision that THIS is the man I want to be with, no matter how bad things had been between us.
He has said from the beginning he keeps them at work so it IS quite possible that the missing ones are there.