My experience is that intentions are great but actually following through on them is a whole different order of difficulty.  My ex had all kinds of great plans for our future.  He'd put each of them into practice for a while.  I came to see that his declarations that, "Everything will be great -- we're going to do X and Y and I'll do Z and it will all be fine" -- those were the sign of his naive thinking.  He just didn't understand how hard it was going to be in practice.  I believe he sincerely had the best intentions.  But excitedly deciding that he'd just get on the bandwagon and all our problem were solved... that was a sign that he still didn't "get" it.

The hard truth is that it is very difficult to overcome addictions and it takes a long time and a huge amount of effort to clear out the insanity.  They need to be working their program hard for a year, two years, five years...  And the chance of relapse is never zero.  The first year is typically full of upheaval (that's for the people who make it -- the first year is also littered with people who didn't make it through the year).  The second year is a little better.  Etc.  But the truth is, if he's going to recover, the truth will be apparent three or five years down the line.  That's when he'll be in a good state to be in a healthy relationship, if he ever is. 

You don't have to make a big decision in the near future -- to be with him or to be with someone else.  You can just keep on taking care of yourself and assessing the people you know to be sure they're emotionally healthy.  The truth will become apparent.  That's my experience.

Thank you for sharing with us, Outsider.

Have you made it to any face-to-face Al-Anon meetings? I know I've found them to be tremendously helpful. When I started looking at me, other things around me started to become more clear. You're absolutely right, though. You don't have to rush into any decisions. Enjoy today for what it is.

Face-to-face Al-Anon meetings are nearly non-existent where I live..podunk USA...so I talk to my counselor and my doctor a lot...although supportive in any choice I make, my friends and family aren't always looking out for my best interest nor are they always able to look at the situation with an unbiased opinion. For example...my mom HATES any man period!!, my sister lives in her own glass house, and a lot of my friends only see snapshots of what's happening....so counseling is really my best option.

nyc018...my kids are young like yours...husband lives with his mom and is unemployed as well...one thing my shrink told me a long time ago is if I think there is a chance that I would want him back then to wait for him (not pushing for divorce) even though with that comes the possibility of legal impications on my part....and I did that, and we got back together, and it failed very quickly :( maybe we pushed too hard too fast I really don't know...all I know is the second time around I was soooo hurt that I decided never again (!!!) and now, here I am, wishing everything was normal...to be honest, as I sit here typing this, I'm wondering if this is really about me or if its about my kids.?.? I want a normal family, but that's because I want my kids to have a normal family...I'm not so certain this is about him and I being together...if it was maybe I wouldn't be waffling so hard. I really do feel a lot better without the emotional turmoil and complete insanity o_O But when my daughter reads a book and says "mommy, daddy, kind name, kid name" I just get sooooo sad and sometimes I cry...I just don't want to make the wrong decision and cut him out if he's serious, but I don't wanna hang on if he's not....if he's serious I want him to be there every moment the kids are growing up...more so for them than him really....but I won't know if he's serious for another year or so and by then well, he'lll have missed out on the best years and their bond with him won't be as strong as it could've been...live with doubt now or regret later..ugh

Thanks for sharing everyone...

The way I see it, a normal family is not one parent with sick addictive behaviors, one parent trying to hang on, and however many kids.  We'd all love a normal family, but when there's an addict or a very emotionally unhealthy person involved, the parents being together doesn't produce a normal family.  How I wished my mother would separate from my father so we wouldn't have to endure his crazy behaviors any more!  But my mother "stuck it out for the sake of the family."  Incidentally, I never told her that I wished they'd break up.  No doubt she thought I was growing up in a normal family.  What I was growing up in was a pattern of dysfunction that I'd go on and repeat in my own relationships.  Well, obviously I'm still a little bitter about that, but don't mind me.  My point is just that when there's a sick person involved, a "normal" family of two healthy parents isn't available.  But a healthy family of one health parent and a support system is available.

It seems to me that the choices don't need to be between waiting long months to see if he stays in recovery or moving on and never being able to look back.  It might be that you get involved with this new guy and the new guy seems great but with your newfound healthy outlook, you realize after six months that he's just not a good match.  And you separate, wiser, and your guy gets another year of recovery and you go out with a few other people and don't make any premature commitments, and your ex-husband gets another year of recovery and you start to get to know each other again, now that he has several years of recovery, and you get back together.  People do get re-married.  (Sometimes unwisely, but sometimes not.)  I guess what I'm saying is that I don't see that it has to be black-or-white, all-or-nothing, A or B, big decision now.  Unless he (your possibly-soon-to-be-ex) is saying it has to be that way.  And to my mind, if he threatens you unless you wait ("I'll never be with you again unless..."), that's underestimating the destructive power of alcoholism.  Which would not be a good sign.  Just my 2 cents, take what you like and leave the rest.

I understand your situation far too well. My AH was released from the detox unit at the hospital today. He was truly shocked when I told him I was not coming to pick him up and he could not come home. He really doesn't have anywhere to go- he is estranged from his sisters, his father is dead, and his mother is a pretty severe dementia case. I also went today and filed for legal separation. It cost me $2300 that I don't have...it all went on the credit card, which is already jacked up to an enormous balance due to the fact that he was using it to pay for his alcohol behind my back. Filing those papers was the hardest thing I have ever done. Like you, I want nothing more than for him to achieve total sobriety and for us to be a normal family. But I'm not sure that can happen, even if he never takes another drink again. He has destroyed my trust in him. I will be a nervous wreck if he leaves to just drive down the street to the grocery store. Did you have this experience when your husband was living at home? And feel like you couldn't ever go anywhere by yourself, because you couldn't leave the kids with him? I had all that and more, and I am ready to be free from it. Not sure that will ever happen because he has conditioned me to feel anxious, nervous, and suspicious whenever he is around. So ask yourself if you really think that you are ready and able to let him back into your house and never question what he is doing, or where he is when he is more than five minutes late coming home. If you think there is a chance that that is how your life with him will be- for the time being , anyway- then I would say you have your answer. In the meantime, just have fun with the person you've met who is so amazing. You're not getting engaged to be married, you are just spending time with someone that seems like he would be a good friend to you. No need to think any further than that.