The material presented
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I am so angry. I feel so alone. I feel trapped. My mind spins from one emotion to another. My AW's active affair has me reeling. I cannot keep myself from getting wrapped up in her cheating behavior. I don't know whether she is really bad at hiding it or doesn't care. I can't seem to detach from this. I can't let go. On top of this she is also "cutting back" which is also unnerving. She changes the rules & I react. I feel like I could handle all the other crap but this affair is too much. Sprinkle on the other A behavior & I become a complete mess. I know I have to work on myself but I am unable to around her. I want to run fast & far. I feel like I have no say in it. I cannot react to her behavior. I am in so much pain & I don't know what to do. Meetings help but in the reality of the situation I cannot function. I understand so little. I don't know if I am following the program or not. I feel like I am just ignoring problems, not dealing with them. I don't understand why I have to "be the best husband I can be" to my cheating spouse. I am so confused, hurt & angry.
Country Boy......I am sorry you are hurting so bad. I wish I could say something to ease your pain. You are not alone in feeling the pain of alcoholism. Hang in there and keep writing, something I always find therapeutic in and of itself.
I'm not sure who said that you have to be "the best husband you can be" to her? I would say that the most important thing is to take good care of yourself, not in a selfish way, but in the way that you can't handle outside things until your insides are calm and stabilized. Besides, who knows what being "the best husband" would look like? It might look like not enabling her behavior by giving her a free pass on it. It might look like taking the right care of yourself and handing her behavior over to her HP. I don't think being a doormat is ever the best way to be in a relationship.
It sounds as if you need to get some clarity and calmness before making any big decisions. Please do whatever you can to help that come about. Do you have a sponsor? Can you go to more meetings? More reading? Counselor? Weekend sitting by the river? Visiting an old friend with a healthy approach to life? All of the above?
Sorry that your life has become unmanagable , I have known the feeling. In that moment when I was feeling the insanity of the disease, I grabbed on to Alanon and a sponsor. It was my saving grace to feel connected to something that would pull me ought of the quick sand. Right now your thinking your the only one experiencing this hell, but many many spouses and family members have felt the pain of this horrible disease. There is no quick fix.
It will be only Alanon that can set you free and you really have to work it. You cant be attending meetings once in awhile, you have to really want it, like an alcoholic that seeks to be sober. You dont want to drown with your Alcoholic wife. Your life is worth it. This is your life, what are you going to do with it. Your going to find the work was well worth it, when you come thru the other side and find your serenity. Please know that you have no power over what your wife does, but you have power over your own life. Start really workin it. For YOU!!
OK CB, deep breath. A lot came out. Thank you all so much for being here, it helps when I can get out as it is about to explode.
I have to be the best Country Boy I can be & I am going to focus on that. I hate getting in that dark hole. I used to live there & when I visit, I scratch & claw & run over little old ladies (not literally) to get out. I have some very tough decisions to make, but I should not make them today, not while I'm visiting this horrible place. I feel like now I have one leg in the old way of thinking & one leg with the program & I can't do a full split! Time to get both legs moving in the same direction. I learned last night I can start my day over at any point, so I will right now. Thank yall so much. Country Boy
I've been through it and I know the pain and turmoil it creates.
You're in the right spot, though. Respond instead of react. And you're absolutely right, you don't have to do anything about your relationship NOW, other than get yourself to more meetings, talk with your sponsor and work the steps. Your path will become clear and you'll feel better about your footing on that path when you've given yourself and the program some time.
I want you to remember to be gentle with yourself. The program is about taking care of yourself, I am glad you are taking a do over in your day! Try to turn things over to HP that you can't control too. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I don't know if you can get your hand on this book or not, melody beattie has a book out called beyond the betrayal. I trust her stuff. I have the book and haven't started it yet. just sending out some love and support, it's not easy to be in a relationship alone. You don't have to make any decisions when you are wound tight. Hugs.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I was sent reeling because affairs were not in my value system and a deal breaker for me. I continued in Al-Anon and got better and waited (added change and growth time) to deal with the divorce. This disease can get monsterously sick and its a choice if you want to go down with it. You can become a saint if you wish and shes gonna do what she wants for her. Find another Higher Power to latch on to. (((hugs)))
I have seen this very same behavior in some A's in my family. I remember feeling ashamed and I wasn't even in the spousal relationship. Often Alcoholism and cheating go hand in hand and it just adds salt to the already open wounds. If you are new to the program please give it time to work for you. It's definitely not an over night process. It's a progression of working the steps, learning new behaviors ourselves, and listening and sharing our ESH (experience, strenght and hope) with others. I know you will or might find this hard to believe right now but you will learn that the A's behavior as hurtful as it may be is not personal. Their addiction is all about them, their low or non existant self esteem and self loathing that they will do anything to drown out the pain in any way they can. It took me a very long time to learn not to take my son's addiction personally. I mean, I am the parent right? I raised him? Where did I go wrong? Fact is and my son will tell me this often even tho he is an active addict that there was nothing I could have done or said to stop his spiral into addiction. My husband and I both come from very addictive families and clearly it affected our own thought process even though we thought we were doing all the right things. I do believe my son got the gene and it is genetic and he was hooked from the get go. Keep workin the program! And keep posting! Glad you found us Blessings
