The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Nobody can tell you what you should do, but you seem to be on a path of recovery from a very abusive childhood. One thing is that Alanon will help you with the tools you will need because you have been affected by this terrible disease.
My Mother was not an alcoholic and I didnt have such a dramatic childhood, but as I got older I was a big dissapointment to my Mother and she treated me the same way. I was a very independent person and never asked or needed her help. She was always saying cruel things to me also. All thru my adulthood I limited my time with her. Now she has dementia and I am her caretaker, for now, she is 87. I guess Im the right one for the job as I am not emotionally involved with her. I was always detached from her for my own survival, which I learned young.
So, my Mother was not an alcoholic, but she did have some personality disorder that wasnt diagnosed, so I limited my involvement with her and I felt no guilt. So are you feeling guilty because your Mother drinks? You should do whats good for your serenity and mental health.
I hope that you can attend a face to face Alanon meeting, it would be very beneficial for you. You will gain more knowledge to be able to make the best choices for You. .
Keep coming back and post as much as possible. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 17th of July 2012 11:55:39 PM
I am so happy to hear that you are going to attend the Alanon meeting and possibly share your dilemna regarding your Moms Birthday.
Hopefully someday you can encourage your sister and your Father to attend an Alanon meeting. Alcoholism is a family disease. Wouldnt it be wonderful if you could all share some serenity after all the years of her tirades. You cant do anything about her drinking. One thing we learn in Alanon is that we are powerless over the disease of Alcoholism, the only life we have control over is our own.
Glad your here, your in the right place.
Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 18th of July 2012 12:57:50 AM
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 18th of July 2012 12:58:50 AM
My mom has been drinking for as long as I can remember. Along with her drinking came physical and mental abuse toward everyone else in the house (myself, my sister, and my father). Growing up I had a love/hate relationship with her. When she was sober, she was fun, caring, and lovable. Then when she drank, she became this mean, nasty, spiteful woman who I did not recognize, and couldn't possible love. Her drinking would escalate to the point where she would abuse my father. It was such a scary thing to watch, and as I child I felt so helpless. I can remember running to a neighbor's house many times to ask for help when my mom was drunk, and my parents were fighting. Police were involved multiple times, and I spent many nights at the neighbors for my own safety. The following mornings always involved a lot of crying on her part, an all-day apology, and a promise to stop drinking. Needless to say that never happened.
As I grew up, and became more independent, I was able to see through my mothers lies and manipulations due to her addiction. When I no longer cried at the horrible things she would say (like that I should have been an abortion) she started to resent me even more, and tell me that "I didn't care about her." Because I went to college and currently am working on my masters, am in a great relationship, and can support myself, she tells me that I think I am too good for her. For me it was the complete opposite. Seeing her that way completely rips my heart out, but I understand that her hurtful words and threats only bring stress and anxiety into my life.
I have tried numerous times to talk to her, and have offered to pay for her to go to rehab, but she doesn't seem to think she has a problem. She blames her drinking on everyone, and everything but herself.
I have gotten to the point that I have made the choice to no longer be an enabler by being their for her emotionally, but my sister and father unfortunately have not. My father has basically become an alcoholic himself to "deal" with living with my mother. My sister feels bad for her, and babies her when she has a bad blowup. She then tells me that I don't care about my mom (which again is so frustrating).
About two months ago my mother fell down the front steps drunk, and cut her face open pretty bad to the point where she was rushed to the hospital for stitches. When she called me the next day, she blamed it on the dog's leash tripping her (a neighbor verified that it was not the dog, it was intoxication). At that point I told her I love her, and care about her, but can not let myself be hurt and worried all of the time because of her irresponsible choices and behavior. I told her that I will be willing to speak to her when she decides she wants help, but until then I do not want to talk to her. This is causing me extreme guilt. My sister makes it worse when she tells me that I don't care about my mother. I tried to talk to my sister, but she thinks that if she too cuts my mom off that my mom will end up drinking herself to death, or killing herself, and she will have that guilt on her.
I would truly love some advice from anyone who can suggest what I should do in this situation. Is cutting her off the right thing to do?
Thank you for responding and sharing your experience with your mother. I have just heard about Alanon meetings in my area from a friend, and when I was looking up the info for details, I came across this site and felt compelled to post something due to my frustration! I plan to attend meetings starting next Tuesday, and am looking forward to the support and advice.
Since I have distanced myself from my mother, I seem to feel relieved in a sense, but often I will think of her and feel guilty that I don't want to have a relationship with her right now. It is currently worse because her 50th birthday is this week, and I do not want to call her or talk to her, but I know that she will be sitting home waiting for me to acknowledge it. From years of experience I know what comes next.. she will eventually "blow up" when I don't call. I am anticipating the stress it is going to cause my sister and father when she takes her anger out on them.
((Summer)), I felt the need to write and tell you that you are so not alone in this. I am struggling with how to distance myself from my mother as well. The guilt is not a good feeling. And please know that I send you lots of strength and I know you will do what is right for you. I talked about a very similar issue as yours tonight at my alanon meeting and I came to the conclusion that for me - as hard as it is - I have to learn to "stay in my own hula-hoop", set limits, and try not to fix my mom, and also distance myself as much as possible but not close the door completely - I need long breaks in between our visits. She is not going to like the fact that I can't cater to her anymore. It is so hard but I keep telling myself that I am worth it. I can't tell you what to do for your situation but for me I had to end the relationship with my mother for a few years with no contact so I could get better and healthier - now I have allowed her back into my life but I really have to focus on boundaries and it is new territory. I just keep telling myself of that quote "To Thine Own Self Be True" I know you will do what feels right for you Summer.
((((Welcome))) great that you are willing to attend Alanon face to face meetings, you will get great support. Only those who walk in the same shoes truly understand what living with addiction entails.
You love your Mum of course and she loves you the best she can with what her disease allows.
For me, after some time in Alanon! I was able to show my love while keeping my distance. I was able to phone and say Happy Birthday etc. I would phone once a week with no expectations of the outcome..I could detach and let go of whatever came at me. I would end with I love you, I'm sorry you are suffering from this horrible disease... then hang up!
In their 'sober' moments I would set the boundaries, saying it was for my health and serenity (A's have NO IDEA of the toll the disease takes on loved ones).
Regarding your Mum's forthcoming birthday it might help you to take a quiet moment to think what would be best for you. If you feel phoning her to say Happy Birthday would lessen your stress, regardless of what flies back at you from the other end, then a few Alanon slogans/sayings you may find helpful are JADE..you don't need to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain; 'Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean'; What other people think is none of your business, and 'You dont have to attend every argument you are invited to'!!
Setting boundaries is difficult. This includes everyone in your family. You gave an awesome example of setting boundaries with your mom. Your sister is trampling your boundaries by trying to tell you that you don't care about you mom. Nobody can tell you what your own feelings are. How ridiculous is that? Since your mom has not quit drinking through a crapload of consequences, it seems likely that eventually she will drink herself to death. She is going to drink if you dont set boundaries and she will probably drink if you do. So the guilt is pointless cuz you have no power over her drinking. Your sister seems to think that enabling absolves her from guilt - It is good that you seem able to detach and recognize that these are your mom's choices and these are the consequences of her choices.
More alanon will help give you support and ideas for setting boundaries and not getting drawn back into being manipulated by others and the disease of alcoholism.
I very much relate with your childhood and all I can say is dettaching and distance has helped me greatly with my Mom and after working through the steps I no longer feel the guilt. I am glad to hear you are attending Al-anon meetings and coming here. Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews ? Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi Summer.... glad you found us, and you'll find tons of us here on this site who can definitely relate.... Getting to meetings will definitely help, and depending on their openness to this, I might also suggest that you buy 3 copies of an awesome book - "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews - and give one each to your sister, your father, and yourself!! If nothing else, it will start the process of educating each of you about the complexity of the disease your mother has....
Hope you keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
