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Saturday night my husbands brother was taken to hospital due to a large brain aneurysm. To cut a long story short, he died on Monday night.
He was a lovely man, also an addict like my husband, but other than that, a wonderful man. He was a full time carer for his wife who is severly BiPolar on a disability pension. His addiction was cannabis. He grew his own as they had no money. He smoked about an ounce a fortnight.
His organs were donated and believe it or not, for that pot smoking and cigarette smoking, he was so young and healthy that his lungs were donated!!! Just shows hey.
My husband is going down for the funeral. My husband has smoked two cones this year. (for those of you who don't know me, I came here initially due to my husbands pot addiction). This funeral he will be with all his brothers who are all very heavy drug users, particularly pot. The friends of his brother who has died are all heavy pot users.
For my own boundaries to stay in place, I am not going interstate for the funeral (the family live all over the country). It seems harsh that I would not be wiht my husband at this time and people are a little surprised. His brother was in our wedding party. I do not want to watch my husband be stoned, grieving, drinking, and the family and friends all being stoned, drunk and grieving.
I am grieving, and I am very scared this will be the relapse we don't need in our family.
I have no control over that. I can hand it over to my HP and the spirits and I can only hope that this is not the beginning of the end. It is always a major set back when he is around his family and/or old friends.
I am emotional, worried, sad from the loss. I don't want to seem selfish but our life has to go on. At this point the only saving grace I have is that my husbands son may be there (he may just go a little slower), and that it is currently the peak season for my husbands sport which he plays professionally so there is urine drug testing. These things will not stop his use, but they may slow him down.
I can't believe this is happening to our little family. His brother was about 40. No kids.
That sucks. Of course those of us who are sober or not addicts know that wallowing in drugs and alchol is not an answer to any problem and it is also not a good way to honor a dead person but can't make others bend to our will or see sense in it :(
No sense worrying on top of the loss. Maybe he will surprise you. You didn't expect he was ever gonna cut down or stop using as of a few months ago...
Hugs!!! Sending lots of love and support to you and your family. So sorry for your loss. Hugs p
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother in law. I don't see choosing yourself as harsh. Once we're recovering and know serenity, it seems there's no going back. Self love and guidance from hp taught me to take care of the only one I really could - me! Nothing wrong in my humble opinion with choosing serenity over toxity. Your husband will do whatever he is going to do. Worrying will only rob your serenity. I would put a plan in place to really enjoy my day without guilt while he's gone. Hugs TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
My husband has already said bluntly he will be smoking. There never is any getting away with it when he is in the environment.
Maybe if it were different circumstances and it was just a bit of a smoke with a friend or whatever I may feel differently. But where he will be staying is a drug using house. All his brothers will be smoking. His passed brothers friends will all be smoking. He wants to put on a 'party/wake' for his brothers mates to celebrate his life. Their life involved drug use so a celebration of life will involve his favourite activities.
There will be family dynamics at play.
I am not good at funerals. I tend to break down anyway. They all remind me of my daughters funeral and I just melt and get extremely emotional. I don't want to be feeling like that when I am supposed to be supporting him, and then looking at his stoned face and that of all the other mourners if you get what I mean.
I will put him on the plane with love, I will pick him up 48 hours later with love and not talk about his drug use while away.
If it continues on his return, I will be as supportive as I can within my boundaries.
Unfortunately, he is considering giving up his sport after this season.... so no more urine drug screens..... that scares me also.
Either way......... I will be ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Such a new concept for me.
I would have felt exactly the same as you, in the few years after my AH stopped drinking.
It takes a long time to trust....and for the Ah to decide and practise not to drink/do drugs again.
Even when his mother died and later when our son was killed, he did not drink with the others of our family, after the funeral. By that time I didn't have any thought that he would.
It takes a lot of recovery and time.....for you both.
Sounds to me you are choosing to do what is right for you.
He hasnt' actually decided to cease his drug use. He has never made any noises to that effect either. Infact, the exact opposite. He assures me he will always be a user for the rest of his life.
At this point in time, he seems to have chosen to reduce his smoking. He has had maybe three smokes this year (recently had a couple).
This is purely because he hasn't gone of out of his way to get any. If it is there... he will smoke it.
We were looking at a show on Amsterdam and literally his eyes lit up and his mouth went dry and he was very excited and animated etc. He just loves the stuff.
My fear at this stage, is that this will instigate a full on move back to full time smoking. He knows that I will leave if that happens and at the moment that is keeping is drug use down to low to nothing.
If this tips him... I will have to re evaluate where I sit.
