The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My recovering addict husband and I have been going to couples counseling but sometimes I feel like it's never going to work because it legitimizes his insane behavior. He projects all his frustrations onto me, blaming me, etc. He treats me so disrespectfully I feel like it's bordering on being abusive. He is a dry drunk so as he sees it, I'm the one who can't accept responsibility but he's the one with so much denial, anger and irritability. What do you think?
By saying he is a dry drunk, do you mean that he's not in a recovery program? That, or actually drinking, are usually a fatal hindrance toward real recovery.
The fact is that in counseling, like drinking, we can ask them to do the work to make things better, but we can't make them. A good counselor should see through his smokescreen, but he or she can't make him either. He can only call him out on it. What counseling does is to let us see how willing they are to work on getting better. Good counseling also helps us see our part in the insanity, so we can get better whether or not they choose too.
I hope you can keep on taking good care of yourself.
Thanks, Mattie, for your reply. By dry drunk i mean he's not drinking but not in a recovery program. He is irritable, irrational and discontented. You make some very good points. Sometimes I feel like just giving up on the marriage, it's so hard to live with him. I feel like I'm doing everything I can, but it's never enough.
The first thing that came to mind reading your post was , we teach people how to treat us . ugh Your husb is only doing what works for him , abuse leaves us confused and hurt and it takes the focus off them .. because we allowed verbal abuse in the past there is no reason for him to think he has to stop .. the first boundery I set was telling my husb to stop talking to me like that or I was going to leave the room , he didnt so I left the room, it didnt take long for him to realize that I was serious and the verbal abuse stopped .. for me to sit and listen to someone abuse me is insanity on my part . Drinking or not Al-Anon responses work in any relationship . If you are not attending meetings for yourself I hope you will consider doing so for your sake there you will find the courage to stand up for yourself and stop the insanity . I have a friend who always says this is called alcoholism not alcohol wasm , not drinking but changing nothing the ism's rule . Louise
I tried therapy with my husband and the first thing the counselor said is that if there were drugs and/or alcohol involved he couldn't help us until he was in active recovery :( good luck girl
I was married 15 years to a dry drunk... oddly he did not drink before or during our marriage but had all the thinking of an alcoholic and was raised by two severe alcoholics. He did not stop treating me badly even after we divorced, until I demanded it. It took a long time, was very difficult, i was often called the B word and I ignored it. Now, 5+ years later, he's not willing to act that way with me anymore because he knows I won't put up with it.
But it takes hard work and I agree, Al Anon, it's meetings, philosophies, and support can help you do it.
