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Okay, so I am finding myself flirting with the option of divorce. It is an option afterall. I don't have to chose to live like this but I need to know that I am serious about a divorce and not using it as a tool to try and manipulate my AH into being serious about his program/rehab and about us. Honestly, I not sure of my motives here... Strange but I'm not... I don't know myself very well because of always trying to fix other peoples issues... so I tried stepping back and taking a look at the situation as if it were my sister or even my mom, I pretended like I was trying to fix someone else's problems. And divorce was what I came up with. Not to be taken lightly, but I think our marriage is hendering my recovery and his. The truth is I love my husband but I don't think he loves me, I am security for him, a place to live, someone to take care of him, someone to keep him from being lonely, a bed warmer, someone to drive him where ever he wants to go, but not his wife to love... And to get a little personal here, we've only had sex about 12 times in over a year... What kind of marriage is that. And it's not that he is having problems in that area because I have found porn on his phone... lots of it... and he has admitted to masterbating instead of having sex with me. He told me is just easier to do it that way...
And when I write down all the reasons that I want to stay in this marriage, it's all contingent on if he changes-quits drinking and because I don't want to let other people down...
That's not fair to anyone... I feel like I'm being selfish but maybe I'm just being honest? I'm trying to look at myself realistically but I'm having a hard time doing it... Part of me feels it is too late to set up boundaries with my AH because I didn't have them before but another part of me tells me I need them even if he doesn't like them...Gosh, I'm just confused. I need to spend some more time with my HP on this...
Thanks for listening.
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
Just wanted to say.... well thought out, thus far....
Divorce (and the whole stay vs leave) thing is not something that should ever be taken lightly, and we should always fully understand our motives in taking any such action......
For me, I wavered on this one for many years.... I almost had a "camp" of supporters for either option, so almost drove myself crazy by - whenever I got too far across the pendulum thinking I wanted to divorce, I would go seek out my "stay" friends...... and vice versa....
In the end, I finally came to the conclusion I did - because the pain/anguish of staying outweighed the pain/anguish of leaving.... That's certainly NOT the case for everyone, and I DO think that I left a bit naively, only in that I thought my life would get "magically better" once I left.... That isn't the case, of course, as the old saying still holds true: "wherever I go, there I am"
You're doing great - understanding your motives, spending time with your HP, opening up and sharing on here - all good...
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I separated from my AH with the hopes that it would be a wake-up call for him and a chance for us to reevaluate our relationship. After one year, I came to the realization that he had no desire to get help in order to save himself and our 29 years of marriage. It was a very sad conversation when he told me that we needed to be married or not with no in-between. I am trying to move forward and take care of me right now. I still love him and always will, but there was no compromise in our situation. I am getting better everyday, despite that fact that he is not choosing to stop drinking. It is now clearer to me that, although the process of divorce is painful, it is not as painful as it was to witness my husband get sicker and sicker everyday. The drama has lessened and I can breathe again. When I first joined Al-Anon three and half years ago, I really held hope that our marriage could be salvaged. But as I became more self-aware and began to work on myself, things became much more clearer and my HP showed me the path that I was to take- and my HP continues to take care of me as I enter a whole new journey in my life.
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 18th of July 2012 01:14:04 AM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 18th of July 2012 01:14:51 AM
I agree with Tom. Some good soul searching there. No matter what, it's never going to be an easy decision. About setting boundaries: It's never too late there cuz you are pondering divorce anyhow. What's to lose relationship-wise? Boundaries are for your sanity - If they don't help the relationship - Oh well, you have your self-respect more in tact and are more prepared to be independent due to keeping healthy boundaries anyhow. So the boundaries are a win/win situation.
Thanks Tom and Pinkchip! I've been divorced before. It took me almost 3 years to make the decision to finally leave my exhusband. He was a cocaine addict and we had small children. He was actually putting them in danger because of his addiction... I do need to really thing this through. I love my husband but I can't live with an active alcoholic or a dry drunk. I have a feeling my motives are not pure here though... but I am going to give myself a month to realize my motives, to figure them out. If I don't figure them out by then, I'll extend it another month. I really don't know what I want. I just know I want change... And during that time I will establish boundaries that I have been allowing people to trample all over. I will actually write them down and the consequenses so it feels more concrete for me.
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
Bettina... that's a good question! He's in rehab right now, it's a 9 month program. He's been there for about 2 months and he's not drinking but he's a big jerk and saying every mean thing can think of including that he wants me to divorce him - although he doesn't mean it and tells me that... I need to get this all or nothing mindset out of my head and think this through...
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
