The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi..first post but been reading for a while..all your posts have been so helpful. Married 15 years. AH left last July..just came back home not to get back together but because he had no where else to go. I've been in therapy for almost a year healing from the insanity of this disease. I have also met an amazing man and started divorce proceedings. Finally ready to move on with my life.
I was ok with AH coming home temporarily cause I didnt want to see him alone and hurting and scared. But I feel myself going back to that very dark place of blaming myself and wondering how this happened and how I can fix him. His drinking has gotten worse and I sit many nights looking at him passed out crying my eyes out feeling completely helpless and sorry for him.
Just wondering why I am having these feeling of feeling sorry for him. I want to take him in my arms and hold him like a mother would a child. I want to make everything better for him when in reality, he seems perfectly fine and I'm the one who is again falling apart.. Thanks for listening.
I think you feel sorry for him because your a compassionate beautiful person. I know the feeling. My XA husband did not have a Mother , she was a poor Indian and couldnt support all her children, so he was brought up by his Grandparents. His Dad died very young and was also a alcoholic, His Grandmother died also, whom he loved and was his only Mother figure, he was left along with his abusive Grandfather who use to kick him awake every morning. He was a small child.
I wished I didnt know all this because it tore me up inside. but I also know that Im not responsible for what is his responsibility, getting sober. But just like a good parent, we must be strong and know our kind of love will kill them.
Carry on Deb and know you did your best. You didnt cause his disease. Happy for you that you have a new life to start , good fortune for you.
Thank you Bettina. What you said makes so much sense. He was abused by step dad growing up and his mom did nothing to stop it. Verbally abused by his mom as well. I promised to never hurt him like they did. He asked recently to go stay with his mom and she said no cause it would interfere with her lifestyle at home so now he is back with me. My heart breaks for him. I was only one to truly love him and even that wasn't enough.
Whose fault is it that people don't love him? What has he done to build healthy relationships? If you buy into and treat him like a tragic victim, he will act like one.
I suspect you got to feeling better because when he was not with you, you let go of your portion of the insanity of this disease. It is a family illness and and you stepped right back into your role. That's neither good or bad - Not judging you, but being in that role seems to hurt you and it keeps your from moving on.
The best way to "fix" him is to let him fend for himself - even if he has to live in a homeless shelter or a halfway house.
