The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can only speak from my experience, I was with the A for almost 28 years, I loved him, still do, in a different way. We are divorced.
Nobody in my family drank, came from a warm Italian family. My Mother a little crazy but we blamed it on her Italian, lol. Now I am her caretaker, still learning.
When I married the alcoholic, he hid his drinking, I had no idea about alcoholism, it blindsided me. They say its a progressive disease, It is. We fall in love with all kinds of people, we could have picked people with any number of diseases.
I have learned and experienced a lot in the last 28 years. I really believe it all happened so I can try to help others in some small way.
I dont think we can ever be free of some kind of drama in our lives. Im glad Im not one of those people who never experienced a road bump or two. How else can we grow as people .
Your going to be fine Tortuga, be patient, because you seek answers.
Hugs, Bettina (sorry , this was suppose to be under your newest post)
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 15th of July 2012 01:32:17 PM
Dear all, this is a longer post, but I really needed to get this out of the system.
I need a little bit of help here to put things into perspective.
I don't know, I keep loosing track. Somehow I know who I was, who I am, and why I'm here. And I started working on the 12 steps, and it slowly helps me to get calm and focused again. I have serene moments, openings, short ones, which motivate me.
But my thoughts go back to what happened lately with my ABF, and it all seems like a nightmare that sneaked slowly into our lives, and it all became messy and unmanageable for both of us. It seems like a dream, the moments we were close, the good moments. It's hard to believe it's gone, where is it gone, why is it gone? Was I so blind, am I addicted to drama, am I crazy, is it him, or are we a dangerous cocktail? Or are we just escaping from realities?
My moods keep swinging from strong courage, letting go, trying to handle it peacefully and with clear and logic thinking, and between helpless doubts about myself, about my ability, and insanity. (and this 4-5 times in a single day, go figure!!) I have been through a tough depression when I was 27, went to counseling for 2 years to get to know myself and learned to listen to my sorrows and joys, needs and limits. and I did a great work on myself. I managed to heal and get out alive, more responsible and so I threw myself out again, into a world that suits more my personality. I used to laugh a lot those following years.
My self-esteem has never been that of a colorful parrot, but i put it fairly together to be simply but genuinely happy, following my dreams. Life had become more or less peaceful, nice. So i had come back to trust myself and my instincts and my judgements. I was a single woman all that time, trying relationships, but crashing in the first steps always.
Here I am back in the doubt now, 8 years later. Addiction in form of alcohol (passively through ABF) and of a relationship (through me trying to control things and him) is back in my life, and with it along the craziness. I came such a long way, and I handled so far so good. and BAAAM...
I know I handle it all more 'trained' now than 8 years before, but I was actually hoping not to have to deal with that at all anymore, not with that intensity and craziness again. I thought I had learnt my lessons, I learned to see the signs, the red flags. I thought I could blindly trust my heart. But I found myself, those last weeks, back to whining, self-pitying, helpless little lonely me, doubting every decision I took, and every emotion I felt lately. It all seems unreal now, even the love I felt. This ship I thought I had built for myself, capable of surviving many storms, well today it came more than once close to falling over and drown. I kept myself from crying so many times today, out of despair. ABF is gone, into detox, or into oblivion, disappeared, without leaving a trace, or explanation of some kind, as if we never existed, without a word, without regret, like he had been escaping from a monster, Me.
And I'm left back, with a big question mark, and especially I never wanted us to get hurt, I might have done mistakes all along, because I didn't know at the time, I didn't see how manipulating all of my actions have been, pushing him into despair probably with me constantly holding him a mirror so he could realize his disease. but it wasn't my intention to hurt him. How cruel of me anyway. Of course he could't see my love in those actions. He just said he went so deep with me, and it is true, we did. But what for me was a happy discovery seemed more to have been a scary and shocking roadtrip without a map to him.
Maybe I get better.... I think I might, I have done it before, and I love life. But there will probably stay this little devil on my shoulder telling me to stay away from relationships always, because I'm crazy, and I'm hurting others through pushing. I'm only 35 and already deciding to stay lonely for the sake of me and of others, how sad is that again.
I am sorry...but even this I can't really believe myself today. My positive vibes are gone, evaporated. Maybe it was just one of those bad days today. and Patience is still on my 'To-do list'. But had to write it down, just for the record. Maybe there is a lesson here, for me , for someone, at some point.
Thanks for letting me share. I am thankful for having found this group.
Tortuga, Have you attended face to face Alanon meetings? Have you picked up any Alanon reading materials. I really recommend if you can get the big blue book , this will open up your understanding of the disease of Alcoholism. You can read the many experiences of the Alcoholic, how the disease affects them and the degradation they have gone thru with their spouses and families.
You must first learn that you dont have that much power over the alcoholic , if anyone is manipulating its the Alcoholic who orchestrates. Only power you have is over your own life. Whether you decide to stay away from relationships or enter into one. You need Alanon because an alcoholic has affected your life. Dont let the Alcoholic make your life smaller, theres too much out there to enjoy, yes we may suffer, but we must also enjoy.
Holding on too the alcoholic is like sand going thru your fingers, there is nothing substantial there. Happiness doesnt depend on the other person making us happy, we have to do it for ourselves first. Anything after that is frosting.
Thank you Bettina, yes indeed the big book is an eye-opener.
I am learning a lot through reading about the disease, it's what prevented me from going completely nuts actually. But still having a hard time dealing with my part in this. It's not about the A this time, it's more about understanding how I put myself there in the first place. It's like me, babylike, keep on falling and still not knowing how to walk.
I am mastering the letting go with time...what I'm worrying is, why do I still end up in messy situations like that? Why can't I choose 'normal-meaning-healthy' for myself?
Im 35 too, and feeling the exact same way. When I study, I find that a lot of people do it again even years after being sane again. I also read these stories as well about As who are sober and in recovery after years and years. Its like, Ill always be an addict. Ill always have to be alone, so that I dont hurt myself or anyone else. It scares me. The only way I can keep from going insane is to think about it being one year. Put the idea of it on a shelf, and look at it again in a year. I know the reality is, I wont be ready in a year, but it helps me from stressing too much. (hugs)
I don't know much but I'm trying to learn a lot. I'm feeling so much of what you posted... the mood swings ranging from strong, confident & healing to the depths of despair... questioning myself, worrying about what I've done and what I will do. what will happen.
I KNOW I did try to make him face things he just wasn't ready to. Was I wrong? Hell, yes! Can I do anything about it? Nope. So.... I have to forgive myself. I am human after all, and not the healthiest member of the species.
Would things have turned out any different it I had been different? Maybe, but that doesn't matter anymore. I wasn't and it wasn't and maybe, just maybe... everything (including all my mistakes) were part of the HP's plan all along. Either way, I have to let go and let God because I just don't have any other choice.
The only thing that seems to be helping me is constantly reminding myself that I can't change what's past and worrying about /projecting the future isn't going to change it. It only has the potential to destroy my serenity today. To negatively impact trying to live (and enjoy) the here and now. (((((hugs)))))
I could hear myself speaking through your writing. It is so very hard at times. When things would get to be the very best and I was feeling so close to my ex and we were really in sync--CRASH!!! He would sabotage the relationship through his betrayal, lies, and disrespect. This was all while he was sober! It was so devastating each time. With each breakup came a new make up and that feeling of falling in love all over again. He wouldn't have to change because we were "starting over" and I would make the decision to cut down my needs to make it easier on him. This was my first relationship that went to this extreme, but these patterns have been in other relationships before as far back as my childhood. When my mood is changing all day along with my hope and my self-love, i realize that i am still in those same patterns of the relationship, but with myself. My brain is all miswired now and will need a lot of nurturance and repetition of program everyday to heal. What will be different the next time i enter a relationship is that I will be working the program. I still hadn't forgiven myself for being in a 2 month abusive relationship over a decade ago. I was still full of shame. That was only 2 months!! This time I'm not going to carry around the shame from this last 2 year trip to crazytown only to put myself in more identically destructive relationships. This is the longest I have been without a relationship since I was 17. I thought it was funny when my mom gave me a 30 day chip for making it a month without a guy back when i was 23. I get it now! That is actually hard for me. And I don't want to just be casual with someone, I want the closeness, and security, and comfort of a committed relationship. Now that I'm in one with myself I am really enjoying it. I'm learning to treat myself well. Tortuga, we are going to be ok. It doesn't always feel like it but we will. If we keep working the program and stay in touch with our higher power I have no doubt that life will unfold before us in ways we never thought imaginable. Love from another 30 something, Chaya
"I would make the decision to cut down my needs to make it easier on him" -- that really says it all about my relationships! Food for thought! Thanks, Chaya.
Wow... thanks for sharing. This has been my life. A few years ago, I thought I finally got myself together. I went a whole 9 months without a relationship, loved myself, embraced being a single mom and realized I was okay and that I did like myself... actually love myself. Looking back, I wish I would have given myself more time to really find myself... I wish I had Al-anon then... But I can't change that now. I have to start my road to recovery today. I married a recovering addict a year ago and fell right back into the craziness I had known all of my life... Trying to help someone else become a better them, instead of helping myself become a better me. ((((HUGS)))) I am so glad I have found a family in MIP! Lots of love and encouragement being sent your way, Tortuga!
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
Interesting post and responses..... I know, for me, that I had to expand my timeframe when it came to myself.... our recovery is seldom a straight line, and we all do that proverbial 'two steps forward, one step back' (at least on our good days, lol).
What helped me was to expand my timeline.... when I focussed on how I was daily, it was driving me crazy.... when I expanded my approach - considering where I was a year ago, or even five years ago - it was much more evident as to how much recovery I had under my belt, and how much it had changed me for the better.
Hope that helps
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
wow, great posts guys !! I can relate to you Tortuga and to all of the heartfelt responses! I feel normal!!!! lol WHAT is normal anyways :/. I agree Tom, looking a little further back on a larger time span, I have never thought about it that way ,but you truly were one of my messengers today....something I was in great need of reading at the right moment, so ty...it does get better ,as do we when we learn better...I still stumble, years later and the caretaker in me does and will try to takeover if I am not careful...I too am taking some time from romantic relationships for now for I clearly still am drawn to the same stuff, the difference today is that I am so aware, doesn't stop me all the time, lol but I am more aware today than ever....sometimes from the first glance...and I step back and go "whoa" and think to myself..realllllllllllllllllllllly???????????? ughh all these yrs later, but hey progress not perfection, right folks??? thank you all for sharing !!!
__________________
"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess."
