The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can really identify with seeing that picture and reflecting on the changes that happened, oh so gradually within me. I was walking down the street and a construction worker whistled at me--I thought He cannot mean me I am old and over the hill--I was 35!!! It was a wake up call.
Keep doing what you are doing and you will get to that happy, playful place again!!!
Attend your meetings, work the Steps read the C2C and within a short time the inner happy serene person will shine again
keep coming here sn sharing that miracle with us.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 15th of July 2012 06:22:46 PM
Last night before bed, I took a look at some photographs of myself and my kids that were taken about three months before I started dating my exA. Goodness. I was so stinkin' cute. I was thinner. My skin looked great. my posture was awesome. I had done my hair and makeup, and I remember that I used to do it that way everyday. It wasn't just special for the photographs. I look so happy and spunky. My smile reaches my eyes. I don't look like someone shot my dog; I look like someone just gave me a basket full of free puppies! Yay! I don't have circles under my eyes. I'm crawling around on piles of pumpkins, hugging scarecrows, and making silly faces with my kids. I even stood on a hay bale, assumed the super man hands on hips pose, and the wind was blowing through my hair and you could see the clouds in the beautiful blue sky. Man. I would give anything to feel like that again. I feel so...old and worn out. I look at the girl in the picture, and I just feel...like I wish I could reach in there and tell her what is going to happen and to just stay that way. Don't change. You're perfect just like you are, and yes that guy at work is interesting and handsome but you are going to hurt each other so badly. Anyway, hopefully...I'll get to that place again. Thank you for listening.
I have a picture of me that I carry around from when I was with my Ex-A. I was 70 pounds heavier, unhappy, and a mess. I compare that to myself now. Yeah - I know there was a time in my 20s when i was also on top of my game so to speak but that was youthful innocence. Putting the work in and really engaging in self-care will produce a new you that you can really be very proud of. (and it's not all about your looks).
I have totally had the same experience. I look at pictures of my ex when we started the relationship and though handsome with lovely soulful green eyes, he looks tired, ragged, sick. I on the other hand look really cute! As the relationship progressed, I was the one who looked tired, ragged, and sick. By the end he looked awesome. I need to remember that although he is a shiny red apple on the outside, he is all wormy and rotten on the inside. Since the time I started AlAnon, I have been receiving more compliments on how I look, but I think it's from the work I'm doing on the inside. It's shining through to my outer appearance. I don't want to go back to that girl in the picture, though. I want to be the woman I am growing into right now with my Higher Power lighting my path. I have always had an idea of the type of person I wanted to be. I always found the peaceful and serene ppl I encountered in life to be the most beautiful inside and out even if not by popular standards. AlAnon has been what I have been searching for all along. I am feeling grateful today. My little one and I did our reading from ODAAT and I encouraged her to do her list of assets. This morning is off to a nice start. I will be around my ex husband today (not the A but full of his own dysfunction) and I plan to use my program and strength from my Higher Power to be the best person I can be today. And, I'll take a picture!!! Love ya, CDK! Let your inner beauty shine through today!! Be silly! Love, Chaya
Dont let this disease rob you of your life force and vitality. Its possible to shine every day. I am grateful to Alanon and my Buddhist practice. In order for us to keep shining and retain our life force We have to take the inner journey. Life isnt about the A, Alanon and Buddhism teaches that nobody else should be at the center of your life, its like dedicating yourself to something outside of yourself. The center of your life is YOU.
I really recommend some of the Eastern arts, Tai Chi, Yoga, meditations, it trains the mind. Find something that totally disciplines the mind. Try to get out of yourself. Read from Alanon literature everyday. Take long walks. Do something out of the ordinary that you wouldnt ordinarily do, go to lots and lots of face to Face Alanon meetings. Join the Red Hats, a ladys organization that wears red hats and do activities. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! When the Alcoholic would go on his binges and was acting his craziest, I was never home. I was with my sponsor at a Alanon meeting. You have to keep practicing Alanon, till you get it. Because once you get it, it will set you free. I hope I dont sound like Im preaching, I dont mean to do that, I just want all of you to feel good, most of the time. Thats within the realm of possibility with or without the sick A.
Practice , Practice , Practice, Action, Action , Action.
I like the pictures and the person in the picture alot more after the program of recovery. I didn't know happiness when the disease raged and made several attempts to leave the life I had then. Addiction is progressive, it destroys until I found a way of arresting it and then rebuilding my life. All earlier pictures of myself were somber and depressed. Not now. Good Post. ((((hugs))))
Thank you everyone. I guess, I dont really completely want to be that girl...she was naive and ignorant and blind. I know if I hadnt dived into that A, it wouldve been someone else. I just miss the smile and carefree, creative happiness of myself that is shown in the pictures. There is more of my true self in them than there exists today. I cant seem to find my smile. I do kundalini yoga, practice affirmations and mantras, daily meditation books, write gratitude and asset lists, read other literature, and go to mtgs. Im doing the best wor, I can. I keep telling myself to keep trying and to not give up, and a year from now will be totally different. Iy has to. I cannot live like this forever.
It took me about a year and a half to find the ability to have a good fun day and actually enjoy it. I was so exhausted the next day and crabby that I was surprised. I hadn't done anything strenuous, but when you haven't been able to just have a nice day in so long, nice days are emotionally exhausting. LOL Now after 6 years in the program, nice days are not emotionally exhausting, they're just very nice and I can enjoy them.
Hope that makes sense. LOL
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
