The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So tonight was good then turbed bad. Isnt that the way in a active alcohoic marriage.i spent the day on lake without ah...he was working but it was saturday so drinking was involved. Id had a few on the lake too....we met back up around dinner time...it was clear he had "had a few" buf I ignored it....let it go. Our lake assoc was having a dance we were all looking fwd to going, soooo. We did ...in seperate cars. He claimed his sinus inf was bothering him and he wouldnt stay long. BS but whatever. My daughter whose 8was excited....so off we went. I sicialized, had fun ..he sat and drank...my daughter had a ball. Around 930 we realized we hadnt seen dadsy in awhile....went to look to see if his truck gone...nope...found him....drinking and smoking with some woman...he made all tge right smal talk when we approachwd but was clearlt loaded. I was mortified...for my child and myself. Tge,woman made small talk too..instead of her excusing hersef or him going back in w us...j took my daughter and went back inside. I tried to fake it that I was ok....notice,i said tried....a friend quickly picked up that something was wrong...she went out found him and was pretty clear about the fact that "daddy needs to go back in w his family.."she made small talk...came back in. he left....drove away. No "see you at home"....nothing. I had to leave I was fuming and just had to get out. Of course, imagine the eight yo at this point. We get home...no dad...im edgy and we cant get a hold of him. Its now 300am....goodness knows where he is and im sure tomorrow is going to really suck. He will be stupid hungover and I wont say a word....gotta go. Hes home ....later.
-- Edited by Theoceancalls on Sunday 15th of July 2012 07:09:30 AM
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
So now its the next morning. I barely slept and my stomach is in knots. I just so had wished he didnt come home. But no, hes home once again and i will be faced w the task of making the day seem normal when really I cant stand the thought of sharing space with him. I know leaving him should be easy....but again .... Its me that will have to do everything. I would have tofile, I will have to find a place to live, I will lose my lifestyle and to make it all worse, I will have to share my child w him. The idea sickens me. I keep staying because I know he will make leaving AWFUL...because nothing is the alcoholics fault. I want an alc free live. I dont want me daughter exposed to this shit aymore. My God is not about this lifestyle and I want to live and function in away that more honors Him.....but how to do that. I know....bite the bullet and leave. Does anyone out there go through the same agony? I feel like such failure. Iv become a doormat, an anxious, uptight doormat....please comment
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Oh I feel your frustration and hurt! No, your God is not all about this lifestyle. He wants more for you. He wants you to live in peace. And I know you are trying to live in peace with your husband cause u said you would act as if nothing's wrong. But acting as if will not make anything better, it really won't. I was scared of filing got divorce to, and losing mh lifestyle but since I did, my HP has provided better for me than my husband ever did! I am on welfare, going to school full time. Got assistance through the state with daycare, and my cupboards and fridge are bursting at the seems with food for me and my children!! AH has yet to pay child support but i have a lawyer and the divorce process is moving along. I know even if he doesn't pay I will be ok because of the govt. assistance and when I finish my school course I will make money to provide for my children. Sometimes you have to step out in faith, when you are do sick and tired of living the way you do. Without my husband my stomach is peaceful and not tied in knots. I have hope for a bright future because I am leaning on God now ( not my husband), and God has shown me that he's taking care of me! It's an awesome feeling. Whatever you do, it has to be what's best for you and your child. Nobody deserves to live in the messed up world of someone else's sickness, it's not fair or healthy at all. When I started praying only for knowledge of Gods will and the courage to carry it our, doors started opening for me and solutions to my problems became clear. I also had the energy to do what I had to do. When I was in the relationship with AH. I could not imagine having the energy to leave, go to school, work, get child care, etc. but that was because all my energy was drained by the alcoholic marriage. You are more than your problems and you can do all things through your HP! Sending love and encouragement to you~
I'm so sorry this is happening. You say, "I will lose my lifestyle" -- but isn't the drunken, unreliable, sickening lifestyle really the lifestyle you will be well rid of?
Just so you know your options, I would consult a lawyer about what you could do to keep your ex from having drunken visitations with your daughter. I was able to arrange it so my ex has no access to our child when he is drunk. (He is a binge drinker, not a continual drinker, so sometimes he is not drunk and he can see our child, under certain conditions, at those times.) We separated and I established a pattern of access, and the lawyer said the court would take into account that pattern, and continue it unless there was a compelling reason to change it.
Remember also that many drunks say they want access to their children, but can't be bothered in practice -- as sadly is true of many non-custodial parents who aren't even alcoholics.
Just saying these things to say that there may be more freedom and options than it seems like right now. Being around alcoholism sucks us into the insanity and part of that is feeling as if we have few options and things can never turn out well. I know many people on these boards who have lived through terrible times can testify that there is great hope.
I can relate to being afraid of the break. When I asked my AH to leave, he was furious, he even hit a parked car in front of our house causing a huge scene. It was so traumatic for both me and unfortunately my daughter as she was there to witness it all.
It got so crazy that me and my daughter had to leave and stayed at a friends house. So humiliating but also very humbling. The next day, he was gone. He took things that were not his, but I didn't care.
There was about two weeks of craziness and him begging to come home and saying awful things to me, but I survived and it made me so much stronger. He moved 2 states away to be closer to his family of origin.
I know how u feel about dreading having to do everything by yourself. I have no family close to me, they are 2 states away. I have 2 kids aged 5 and 13. Some days I have all the energy in the world which used to be sucked out by my AH. Somedays are hard and I have to remind myself that I AM doing it and it is better for our family. I have to ask for help from coworkers/friends, which is EXTREMELY hard for me!
I am not saying go or leave, just wanted to share my experience.
Keep coming back!!!
So its not the lifestyle so much that I would give up. Its simply that I dont want to share my child...w anyone. Furthermore it ticks me of that I have to do all of the changing. He takes NO responsibility while I do all the heavy lifting so to speak. It just sucks....here we are after last nites crap ...hes asleep...claiming he is sick...puleassse...his biggest prob is being hungover and guilt ridden . He is missing his daughter growing up...hes too hungover 2_3 times per week to care....it just sucks. Yet, my anxity diminishes when he is here......youd think him being gone would more settling. Anytime I dream of leaving the reality kicks in I have a panic attack and then recover once hes home....its all so twisted.....
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I gave up a farm house, horses and other animals and now live in a 2 bedroom apartment and am persueing my RN and sharing my kids with my exAH who does just fine with them on his weekends. You can stay or go, but until you let go and let God with the things you can't control, serenity will be hard to find. I hope you are able to dive into your program, get to Al-anon face to face meetings, get a sponsor, read all the Al-anon books you can find, keep coming back here to MIP and change the things you can. Remember be gentle with yourself it is about progress not perfection. "Getting Them, Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was a great first read for me! Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
What does it kean to really Let go and let God...i seem to fight that..nof course, im a control freak but when your maariage isvtovan active alc w a child what does that really look like....not trying to be flip...just need help
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
