The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I dreamt of telling my ex on the phone how much he hurt me in the relationship and his inability to love another person, when suddenly his new gf gets on the phone and tells me before abruptly hanging up, "I feel loved by him." I woke up not knowing if it really happened as it was such a realistic image of my waking life. I felt hurt, angry, betrayed, and resentful upon waking up. Looking deeper into my response to my dream, I see that I am still operating under the belief that I am not good enough. It is this belief that underlies most of my destructive thinking. I was not good enough to deserve his love, but she is. This belief keeps me entrenched in codependency. My greatest mission in working Al Anon will be to nurture and love myself unconditionally through my higher power's love to break down this ever present belief. "The best way to do this is....by replacing those hurting ideas with thoughts of love and gratitude." (ODAAT pg 235) Thanks for letting me share, Chaya
Right there with you. Im having vivid dreams as well. I got hit with a bit of a real life similarity. Ran into a mutual friend yesterday who wouldnt know we arent together anymore, and he said "!Oh hey, I saw him the other day, and he looks much happier." I shrunk up inside, and exploded inside, and went all kind of crazy in there. I went to theh bathroom and had a talk with myself. The reality is, he might be. He might not be. And most likely, he id a little bit of both with a huge bit of blackout void of any feelings. Then I reminded myself that it does not matter it does not matter it does not matter! I am loved, loving, and loveable!!!!! Then, I bought a tv at the thrift store, put it in my bedroom, and had a movie night all by myself! So, my ESH is practice.practice practice. The affirmations that velt hollow to me before are starting to be of comfort. In support and thinking of you!
When I thought my ex was with someone I was furious and physically sick that he didn't try to get help and save our marriage first. They are weak and need someone to make them feel good about themselves. If they are true active A's they will eventually blow it and end up alone again on the hunt. I thought he was great in the beginning too!! It did leave me to try and reconcile our marriage - I thought no one else is going to get him after all the shit he put me thru. He choose our marriage and in three months he choose the alcohol. It is not a reflection on you. He knows he can't get over on you anymore and he would have to change. Hang in there. I just keep telling myself instead of what if which makes me feel like a failure what's next - what can I do for myself to move on.
