The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I'll try to keep this brief but am looking for some perspective with my current situation. I have been off and on with an alcoholic boyfriend for almost two years who I love very much. I've broken up with him several times as he was too deep in his disease (benzos, alcohol). In January he went to rehab for three weeks, but did no follow up. He's thankfully off the drugs, but still struggles with alcohol. We went away last weekend to connect and have fun, and he ended up getting a DUI and spent the night in jail. But I feel awful as I was drinking with him, which is what I usually do when he wants to drink. We had a sincere talk and recognized that we do not have a healthly relationship, and either have to put in the work to better ourselves and our relationship, or break up and do it separately. We've never had that kind of conversation before. We confirmed that if we stay together he has to go to AA meetings and I have to go to Al Alon. I'm meeting a friend for a meeting at 10am tomorrow. My sister is a 6 year recovering alcoholic who tells me I'm an idiot for even trying to salvage things. Am I crazy for wanting to try to get healthy with him? He's shown me more love than I've ever known, and has never been close to violent while drunk, its more his internal struggle. Thanks for reading this.
What I can share is that if nothing changes .. nothing changes. So whatever you do if someone does the same thing over and over again thinking they will get different results it's pretty much the definition of insanity.
From what you have shared it sounds like even if you weren't with your ABF that you would qualify for alanon. For me the best thing I have done in the past 2 years is get myself into alanon. My relationship has not worked out however I am ok, ... and I'm really learning about me. Very honestly, even before my STBXA I should have been in alanon. The family I grew up in, my first marriage ( that whole nothing changes .. nothing changes), and now this, .. I really encourage you to give alanon a try. Regardless if you stay in your relationship or not .. I found a whole lot of support and it's so important to have regardless of the decisions you are making.
Alcoholism is never cured it is merely arrested, like a disease such as cancer .. the cancer never really goes away it just goes into remission. So regardless if your ABF never takes another drink, addiction will be a life long thing to deal with.
You did not cause the addiction, you won't control the addiction and you won't cure it either. I get my butt kicked daily when I think I am anything except powerless over other people, places, things and the past.
Please keep coming back, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You aren't crazy. It's just a bit harder and more complicated to keep the focus on you when he is such a distraction and strong presence. You stated he has shown you more love than you have ever known. Does that include more than you love yourself? That could be the problem in a nutshell for you. When your feelings about yourself are hinging so much upon another person - and that person is unstable...that's a recipe for disaster.
Thanks to all for sharing your experience. I'm heading to my first al-anon meeting shortly, and understand I have work to do. I'm also meeting with the boyfriend today to decide if we should fight together or separately, and I still don't know what decision to make. But I want to get to a healthy space and have that serenity you all speak of!
Welcome Hopeful to MIP. You bring part of my story to the board also. Yours is part of my experiences also including the "when she drank so did I". Additionally it was my drinking that she chased...wanting to be able to "drink like me". Our relationship was insane and beyond acceptable and we hurt each other deeply until we hits our own separate bottoms and went to find help...first me and then years later herself. Alcohol doesn't cut deals with people...it does the very same thing to everyone without prejudice everytime guaranteed. When I stopped drinking...my mind cleared up and my emotions came into perspective and I knew what they were and learned how to live with them and change them at will. My spirit became free and positive and the yellowish/green tint in my skin went away 5 years after I stopped drinking. (This is one powerful chemical...it disolves cells). The miracle for me started when I broke off my relationship with my alcoholic/addict wife and started to build one, thru the program of Al-Anon with a power greater than my my self, my alcoholic/addict wife and the chemicals. Changing that focus changed everything. I learned a different definition of love and was able to love my alcoholic/addict wife to the point where I could let her go from under my controlling grasp and manipulation and abuse. When that happened she also found sobriety and in a way which left me with powerful positive experience I have been able to use myself. She became an instrument of my Higher Power...I'm grateful beyond words.
Might be that the first and only decision worth making is attending face to face meetings consistently for the next 90 days...(Al-Anon only...it's what was suggested to me and what I did) and listen with and open mind to the similarities of your story with those in the room. Memorize the serenity prayer and the steps and the slogans and repeat daily for 90 days. If after 90 days you find that Al-Anon isn't for you, you can pick up your miseries at the door and go seek other help. That is what was told me when I first arrived. It made me nauseaus from the thought of picking my miseries back up and then after 90 days I never even thought of going somewhere else beyond secondary help from time to time.
Keep coming back here also...you'll learn alot from this family of recovering people who support and care. (((((hugs)))))
