The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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I think I'm trying to run before I walk. I want answers and I want them now... I am not being patient but I am being forced by my Higher Power to be patient and I don't like it. I just want to know if my marriage will eventually work out or not... but I have to take this all one day at a time. I know my husband is being a "manchild" (as I saw someone explain it earler today) and I know that he is sick. I knew that when I married him, but he also knew about my "sickness" too. He can't deny that I had already been married twice and had 3 children by 3 different men. Yep, I'm screwed up... We talked about my life just as much as we did his. I didn't try to make myself out to be someone I'm not. He knew I grew up in an alcoholic home. I knew he was in recovery and trying to quit drinking but that recovery has been a battle for him that he keeps losing time and time again. We chose each other, but I have been serious about my recovery and I've been detaching from him and he does't like it. He throws insult after insult at me and I'm just supposed to take it! His latest was again about the stupid Pink Floyd concert-which he found a ride to. Sunday, 2 days before the concert he told me how everything I do is to punish him and that he doesn't understand why I want to make his life miserable. What?! I just didn't want to drive 2 hours for a concert and I didn't have to. I engaged in the arguement for a few minutes (well more like 20 or so - with a yelling match in the rehab parking lot). Then when I got home he texted me and said he finds me "displeasing" and "At least I didn't misrepresent myself to you like you did to me. You knew what you were getting into with me and you accepted it. What a scam. Thanks a lot lady." I never responded to him. Well Tuesday, the afternoon of the concert, he walks into my job all smiles and like a kid excited... He was stoked about this concert... I told him to leave, that he was nothing but nasty to me the last time we spoke and he expects me to be happy to see him, no!... Now he's been real nice to me again but no apology. I expect an apology. I want an apology. I have not said mean and nasty things to him, especially for the sole purpose of hurting his feelings like he has to me. I want to know where I stand with him. Does he REALLY think I tricked him into marrying me and that he had no idea that I was codependent. Really... isn't that exactly why he married me!? I mean seriously... I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster and I just want to jump off - don't even care if I land on my feet, I just want off! Don't get me wrong, I love him and want our marriage to work. Really I do but not at my sanity's expense... He is sooo mean to me just because he can be... I don't even know if he is capable of apologizing or seeing that he is wrong. But I don't want to stay committed to this marriage for the next 7 months just to find out that he doesn't want anything to do with me once he gets himself sober - if that is what he really intends on doing. I guess I just want answers to things I can't have answers for. I'm just frustrated and I want to be better. I want to have healthy boundaries but I don't want to have to hurt to get there. I want to have a healthy marriage but I don't want to have to hurt to get there. I want to stop being so darn codependent but I don't want to hurt to get there. Gosh, I just don't want to hurt anymore!! Why does it have to be so painful to look at myself and see that I really do have some major issues.
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Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
Amanda, I feel you... There was an All in the Family episode where Edith tried to explain to Archie she was going through "the change" of life"and he said (arms flailing) "Well, hurry up and CHANGE already!!" That's how I feel a lot of the time. Can't you just hurry up and DO whatever it is you're going to do?!! It's so damn hard not to feed into the crap, even when you know full well you shouldn't. I want to know... is my heart is waiting for....anything! I want to know... where we will be in a year, or two. But I know I can't know that ... but I WANT TO! I want to know am I remaining committed to a relationship that no longer exists only to have to face reality at a later date?
I prayed for years to my HP to save this man from himself even if it meant we wouldn't be together in the end. And I meant it when I said it and I mean it now. I love(d) him enough to want only the best for him even it it meant me being out of the picture.
I am sorry you are hurting. This disease is irrational and makes no sense to any of us and to get healthy for us is to change what we know and relearn through Al-anon how to find the answers we need within ourselves as time allows us to mend and make healthier choices. No one can answer your questions except yourself. It sounds like you are riding the train to crazytown and no one likes that ride as comfortable as it may seem and many of us have jumped off and have the bruises to show for it. It is not easy to turn things over to HP when you feel frustrated and want answers, but that is what brings me the most peace. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
(((((Amanda)))))...choose recovery...choose the program. You're moving that way, might as well just surrender to it. Manchild?...yeppers!! and your expectation is? Alcoholic?...and your expectation is? Practices manipulation, control and blame and your expectation is? These are some of my own inventory questions and just one of the follow up responses was the first step...I am powerless...over - people - places - and things. I just might as well do surrender and acceptance constantly and nothing else. It worked for me. My alcoholic/addict wife was a womanchild and even at times sounded like a child...it wasn't a bad thing; it was a sick thing and I had to go find recovery for my own affect from the disease. I was certifiably insane and that wasn't a good thing to be.
You're growing in awareness...now keep practicing the behaviors of recovery. In support ((((hugs))))
Thanks everyone for your support! I'm glad to know that I am not alone in my road to recovery. I talked to my dad, who has been in AA for over 15 years, and he helped me put into perspective some of the things I am dealing with. I really need to bite the bullet and admit that I am "completely" powerless over alcohol and not just "mostly" powerless over alcohol. I need to get a sponsor and start some stepwork. I think I'm ready.
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Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
