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today is the day, ABF got out of detox. I was prepared for this day...it's only day 5 without the poison, and these days are supposedly painful. But I guess I wasn't prepared enough. Of course he accuses me, telling me that I'm at the source of his frustration, because I made him realize how dependent he was on alcohol and I'm responsible for the difficult time he has to put himself through, and I'm guilty of making him feel like crap, like an animal. he says he's feeling like dying...me falling back in my old habit, trying to put sense to it all, defending myself, encouraging him... which of course he can't hear, and I shouldn't do. I can't help, I can't cure...I am powerless. And I miss him...
But today I feel like somebody died (already), I feel like crying, I feel like getting him back, I feel like I didn't say goodbye properly. I really see no way out. And if I have to see and love the person how he is today, then I will have to say goodbye, because in this situation I'm useless, powerless, hopeless and hurt.... I know I shouldn't blame myself, I didn't cause his disease. But it's true I triggered his awareness.... who am I to do that? He says if it wasn't for me, he would still be happy, drunkard , but happy. Now he feels miserable and says 'xxxx' you, but I love you too'. he says 'I have done so much for you, gone through so much for your love, but I feel crap and 'xxxx', my life has become a mess since you stepped in'. Sounds insane, it's insane...
I honestly feel like I created the whole mess, and now I am backing out of it, leaving him to himself and his struggle, because I feel if I stay I ruin myself and my sanity. I'm too sensible to stay close and 'detached'. And he feels abandoned of course. His traditional family will talk him out of it being in contact with me again, because they only see him cry and suffer and pitying himself at home. He manipulates them already longer and they are his enablers, the real source of frustration with their strict rules and absence of communication. that's how they can handle him, control him, which he doesn't see. And I became in a week the devil in person in this whole scenario, when all I wanted to find was friendship and love, and freedom. how naive I have been....it is more cruel even, since the day before he decided to go to detox, we had a really honest and lovely day together, real close and humble and in love and clean, and a big step in our relationship; that's what was his motivation to get clean in the first place.... and now this. Difficult to recognize now what's true and what's a lie.
I am scared..I really try to do the things differently than usual here, to finally break through the usual pattern, but today it feels, if I go that way, I will be a very lonely frustrated person, trying to do what's right, and nobody seems to see the effort, nor can i really see the benefit. Isolation is the result. I wish I could turn back time, and simply go invisible...not to hurt anybody anymore. As soon as I speak about what I observe or feel, people get hurt.
To let somebody you love die before he is actually physically dead is a real cruel action towards yourself I feel today. But yes, I know these are my new boundaries and protection of myself. well it feels horrible. Guilt... and more guilt.
Thanks for letting me share.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 13th of July 2012 10:11:35 AM
They saiy it's the disease, but I know how you feel. I left my A and we tried to reconcile but he is now telling me that he will not quit drinking and loves me and wants a life with me but doesn't want me to live with him because I'm going to ruin his drinking. I'm the bitch who made him feel guilt and shame when he drank basically. Stood by him drinking, sober and 2 DUI's, verbal abuse and I'm the enemy. I know the pain. He was crazy for me to move back until I mentioned he look malnourished and needed to start eating and take some breaks to take care of himself. They are always looking to blame. I'm scared for him and lonely for me but I can't live in the confusion. I even tried to compromise and just cut back on the drinking and that's not even me...
Get out and do something! Get out of your head with your own diseased stinkin thinkin. This was so hard for me to do, because I would shut down deep inside myself, but as I learned to get out to a meeting, read, exercise, anything to get myself in action and change the patterns of old that got me there to begin with. Small steps lead you into new healthier patterns and well it's not easy. I am sending you support and love!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Friday 13th of July 2012 10:47:17 AM
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
First of all, you didn't create this mess. But we do have to acknowledge our part in the messed up relationship and change ourselves otherwise the crap keeps happening over and over. My alanon friend told me that my ex A sees me as the "enemy" because I am the one standing in the way of his drink. Not that I have ever had the power to make him stop but in my resistance to the disease and telling him he needs to quit. You have probably said what you've needed to say a thousand times but his recovery will be his responsibility. It doesn't matter what you say. I too know the feeling that my A has died even though he's alive. And I didn't get to say goodbye. That is such a good point. Sad but true. But also an opportunity for you to let go and realize that you are powerless over people and their diseases. Focus on you. How can you start over today? If you pored as much care into yourself and your own dreams and goals as you have given the alcoholic how would your life be different? We all deserve a happy fulfilling life that we can be pound of. Just don't wait around got the A to make that happen for you. You will be ok no matter what he says and does. Turn it over to your HP a hundred times a day if you have too. I always feel so much better when I picture a big heavy book in my head and written on it is my ex - a's name and I hand that book over to God and I tell him, " it's too much for me, I'm handing it over to you". Sending you love and encouragement.
It's very similar to a way a kid screams "I hate you!" at their parent when the parent is making them act more grown up. At the root of it all, he needs to grow up and that is very scary, very threatening, and very upsetting. It's almost easier to detach if you turn the verbal/emotional abuse into what it is - which is him basically saying "Why won't you let me continue acting like a manchild?!!"
I can tell you from my own experience getting sober - That vitriol and anger I spewed towards others who threatened my drinking - It was pretty transparent. I was really upset with myself and I felt like crap about myself that I couldn't stop drinking and it was messing up my life. I also felt like crap about myself in general and that was propelling the drinking to begin with. If he was really "happy" with his drinking, he wouldn't have agreed to detox.
Thank you for sharing this, I really needed to hear ... I lost it today.
Grief,guilt and self-pity took the lead. Tired of my own reactions.
yes, <GreenerGrass>, the energy and understanding I put into him and this disease versus the benefit of the care I allow for myself...this equation is not quite right these days. and it seems too much to handle both at the same time, with this amount of issues involved.
In deed this is a very cunning powerful and baffling disease. If it is anything it is that. I had to learn how not to try to make sense of what was irrational and to accept that most of it was irrational. Considering that I learned in program that the first thing the alcohol destroys is the brain cells of the alcoholic (or every other drinker too) trying to act rationally with in an irrational situation was part and parcel of how it affected my own ability to be sane. The older definition of alcoholism which we use to read in my home group, in part says, "we are just as affected as the alcoholic in that we have learned to act and react in much the same way as the alcoholic except that we donot have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality". I am sooo grateful to the old tools because that part of the definition helped me put on the brakes and just stop playing "dry alcoholic". I was sooooo crazy while not drinking at the time.
They will say what they want to or feel like saying...None of it is real. They aren't telling the whole truth and they are not facing their part in the problem honestly. The alcohol has the control and alcohol is a mind, mood, spirit and physically altering chemical at the highest level. They drink and they are changed...abnormal. If and when we let ourselves try to deal with it logically we end up...abnormal also.
Get to the meetings, read the literature, learn the steps, traditions, slogans and principles of the program. Get a sponsor and make a plan for your life...How do you want it to be...you can have that cause this program works when you work it.
