He's sending me flowers - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

He's sending me flowers

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

My ex-AH used to promise me the moon! What I said I wanted from him was a sincere apology for what he had put me through with his drinking, and some sincere working of his program. He said he would do it. He would give me that apology. He said sure, it was no problem. He was just going to wait until he felt inspired. Funny, he never felt inspired. I got the box of chocolates and the cheesy gold earrings, but I never got the apology, and needless to say he never worked the program. Funny how it goes.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Enjoy what there is to enjoy!!

Luv, Bettina

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Bettina, I will enjoy the flowers for what they are. The gesture is an empty gesture that he's tried before and usually wins me over. There's too much water under the bridge right now and these flowers won't fix anything. Not sure he understands that at this point, though. We're only getting along on the phone right now for about 10 minutes a day, that does not mean that life is hunky dory perfect. There's still so much that needs to be addressed, I wish that flowers were the answer as it would make life so much simpler, wouldn't it? Sigh, I can only hope that the time he has at home has given him some quiet and some time to reflect. Maybe, in time, we can talk about what has been going on and start addressing our issues. Only problem is, I won't work on anything until he addresses the drinking and the mental issues behind it. And, even then, things may not be reparable. I leave it all in my HP's hands.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

It was my personal experience, too, that every now and then, the AH would on rare occasions suddenly decide to be nice and make kind gestures towards me. I used to eat that kind of stuff up like a starving person eating breadcrumbs. I'd believe suddenly everything is better now... and I do believe the A also felt that a simple gesture like that was supposed to wipe the slate completely clean, that all past problems would suddenly be absolved. He'd then act shocked when, mysteriously, such a gesture did absolutely nothing to repair the relationship and would drop right back to his resentful behaviors.

For me, there's a huge difference between a gift coming from someone just because they wanted to give of themselves and a gift coming from someone that's basically supposed to be a bribe. Here... I gave you this nice thing. Now you're supposed to forgive me.

It's disingenuous.

I know for me, if I want to amend for past wrongs, then that means I need to change the behaviors that created the problem in the first place. And this is generally not something that comes over night. Buying someone a gift is not going to solve anything. In fact, it may make things worse because if I give that gift with the expectation that I'll suddenly be forgiven and then find out I'm NOT forgiven, I'll just get angry and resentful.

I do agree... the flowers in and of themselves are nice. You certainly deserve them. :) But it's great that you understand they're not the magic bullet that will cure all the problems alcoholism has brought into your lives.

oldergal · Senior Member

Does writing to him about the issues, and having him write back bring things to the front? This way it is minus the body language and the eyes.....which cause a lot of emotion.....Just an idea....

In support Oldergal

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

Enjoy those flowers, you have earned them in more ways than one. I'm glad you see them for what they are. What Aloha shared really resonates with me about being so starved for attention and kindness anything that was the smallest thing seemed HUGE!!!

Hugs P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember hon, he is the maturity age he was when he first started drinking.

You only see the outside, which looks like an adult man.But inside he is just a child. Such a horrible disease. hugs,deb

Tasha · Veteran Member

The program taught me not to expect my husband to fulfill me. I had to do that for myself. When I get home from a meeting, if the kids are sleeping on the living room floor - covered in cheese balls - orange from head to toe in cheesy mess - teeth not brushed - pj's not on - books not read - probably going to be puddles under them cuz they weren't reminded to go potty before bed.... I should see it for what it was: My safe, warm, fed, healthy, sleeping children. Unharmed and loved. It's only "wrong" if I expect him to be something other than what he is. It's only "wrong" if I'm not accepting him for the father and husband he is. When I treat him like he's on my team and I'm proud of that, he is. When I see the good in life, I draw good towards me. When my husband gives me flowers that are half dead from the gas station, I adore the man, because I would anyway without the flower. Only when I accept him, and expect to sustain my own love tank, does he begin to feel it's safe to love me. Now he loves me for the person I am, walking with integrity and boundaries and love and acceptance. I don't need anything else from him, like I once thought I did - envisioning an 80's romance movie.

I loved what was said above about a gift being given with expectations - I have done that. And I was pissed when I didn't get the result I wanted - and I did the sulking and pouting and back to my angry little drawing board. What was the use when he didn't care anyway? I wondered. I couldn't quite figure out that until I was giving with no expectations, and simply because that is who I am, was it going to even be classified as a gift. When I give truly faceless gifts, I can feel the spirit (HP) arrive, and that's my desire today. I owe this knowledge and new way of life to the program. Without it - I'm just a drunk. Overcome by a disease, and no longer even me. With the program, I can be in fit spiritual condition and build my marriage into something incredible... beyond my wildest dreams. I feel really blessed, and wouldn't want to be anything but me. Who else gets such a wonderful design for living but those of us who have lived with an alcoholic, or are alcoholic and can now be a part of such an amazing fellowship and strength? I am grateful to be here to learn how to be the best daughter/person I can be for the wonderful alcoholic father I have, who is not in recovery... and happy to be in recovery myself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.