The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am 51 years old and have been sober since 1984. My brother is also an alcoholic and dying from this disease. He was diagnosed with liver failure and damage that almost killed him 9 years ago. He quit drinking, but left treatment and dropped AA after a few months.
He currently is on life support and has pnemonia in both lungs, low blood sugar, failed liver and kidneys, a blood infection and a compromised immune system At some point he secretly went back to drinking and as of this moment he may never wake up. He is only 46.
Why would anyone do this to themselves?
The thing that is hard to explain to non-alcoholics is that we have a disease and we may keep drinking even though it can kill us because we are sick. They don't see why anyone would drink or get high when they know if they do they will die. They sometimes take it personally because they think it's a characteristic of the person and don't see that it's the evil nature of the disease, that it effects us all in the same manner. They think WE are doing this to ourselves by choice, not the disease is doing this to us.
This is no excuse for non-action or saying "I have a disease, so it's not my fault." I am saying the nature of this illness makes us do things no sane person would do.
Why do we experience this special type of insanity? We will use drugs and drink even when we know we will lose our job, family, love, health or even life?!? This is why we talk about powerlessness and insanity in Step 1 and Step 2. If we don't admit that we have this disease and that it makes us do insane things, we can't be sure that it won't cause us to destroy ourselves. The sad thing is we cause such damage to those that care about us. How can a disease make us act so contrary to our own survival and true feelings?
Alcoholism has a cunning and elusive character. It's insidious and unique nature makes it something more and something worse than the average disease. We have a physical, mental and SPIRITUAL disease. It has a malevolent and dark spiritual component that destroys us and everyone close to us. Other diseases don't make us steal, lie and cheat to continue hurting ourselves.
I urge non-alcoholics to consider the unique nature of alcoholism and drug addiction and remember the person doesn't think clearly when they do these things. They are not their true self and if they get the chance to change they will someday greatly regret their actions. It's so sad that some people can't do it and we lose them in them to alcoholism.
In the middle of all our insanity, the people who care about the alcoholic have to take care of themselves first and allow them to make their own decisions. The sad thing is we may lose some great people to their disease, but we can't take care of them or save them. They have to that themselves.
Right now my brother is still alive. I sincerely hope we get a chance to talk to him again. I hope he wakes up and also wakes up the serious nature of this disease before it's too late.
I hope you get that chance too. As someone who has seen this from both sides, is there ANYTHING that a loved one can do to help or for that matter hurt an alcoholic who is attempting to recover? I feel that I am all over the place in my trying to do the right things. Will be praying for your brother.
__________________
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I think I have to focus unequivocally on what the disease of alcoholism does to me personally and why I have to detach from it. Being around the disease of alcoholism makes me angry, grief stricken, rageful, upset and very very resentful.
I know absolutely that the disease of alcoholism affects the lives of the alcoholic but its what it does to me that I have to work on with all my focus. I've allowed that disease to take me to the extremes of anger, rage and grief. I am no longer willing to go there with an alcoholic. I can certainly understand that they have a disease. I can have compassion for that but I'm no longer willing or able to sit "in" it with them.
Welcome. I hope you get a chance to have your brother back with you again and with the help of his hp he recovers. The Alanon program makes many references about separating the person from their disease and Alanon uses terms like we didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Those things were especially hard for me to understand when I was a newcomer. Alcoholism as a disease was something I had a lot of trouble grasping and it took a lot of hurting before I got it. Admittedly, much of that hurting was due to my own lack of recovery. Going to open AA meetings helped but not in the beginning when I was full of resentment and wondered just what sober alcoholics could have to laugh about at those meetings! I still attend open meeting today but now I understand what happy, joyous and free means.
I appreciated your post very much and your candor. Congratulations on many years of sobriety one day at a time. It's obvious you love your brother very much and see the person under the disease. Although I'm not an alcoholic, I have more than one alcoholic in my life who I love dearly. Some are sober some are not.
I hope you'll keep taking good care of yourself. Hp has never refused to sit with me while I was waiting at someone's bedside. It's helped. Keep hopeful, keep sharing. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I agree this is indeed a cunning, powerful dreadful disease. My son,like your brother did find sobriety (for 12 years) then thought he could drink again-- he passed from this disease at the age of 41.
I do understand the pain and will hold you and your family in my prayers.
