The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why is it easier for me to set boundries, move on and take care of myself when I feel anger towards the A. When I feel compassion and try to detach nicely, I feel hurt and weak for myself and the A. When I'm angry, I go into self protection mode and know how to get motivated to take care of myself and not be taken advantage of. When I am compassionate I let him yell and verbally abuse me. When I'm angry I demand respect and know what I deserve.
Yes i know that dilemma too. I try to look at it different now: Compassion towards YOU vs. Compassion towards the people around you. Which helps me a) to eliminate 'anger', it's a hurting feeling, not only towards the one that it's expressed, but to myself, i feel. b) it sets the focus on 'Compassion' and 'Myself'...which is really what it should always be: that 'healthy selfishness' . (can't find the perfect word for it in english...selfishness has a too negative connotation actually As the Buddhist tradition on 'loving kindness' sets so nicely ( and they are actually known for having produced countless outstandingly generous and selfless individuals) there is an emphasis on developing love for yourself as an indispensable prerequisite for loving others. Putting boundaries... NICELY! a challenge!
(...and finding a ventil for that hidden frustration...like running, swimming or buying a punching ball, lol ((((Jelene))))
I can only answer for me on this one. I had to really get that recently. It is easier to feel anger because then we do not have to recognize the truth under it all. It was easier for me to be angry at my BF for "hurting me" and "doing this/that" to me - than to recognize the truth which is I let everything happen. Once I grasped that, and then was able to deal with that I was able to get past the anger and see this disease for what it really is. there is not one alcoholic in the equation, there are two - one drinks, one participates without drinking. Neither is innocent and neither means for it to happen. But anger is a really good too for denial and I'm working so hard to stop that in my life. But it's comfortable to focus out instead of in.
And I agree totally with the others that I have to forgive myself and have compassion for myself before I can give it to anyone else. I must love myself before I can love someone else. I must be compassionate with myself before I can be compassionate for anyone else.
-- Edited by AStrongerMe on Wednesday 11th of July 2012 01:52:56 PM
I certainly understand where you're coming from. I was once there ALL the time. It's a good sign that you have self-awareness. That's the start of recovery, which is endless (don't mean to discourage you). But life is one continuious school room in my opinion. But once you learn a few basic "laws of the universe" the challenges that arise are less intimidating.
Through a lot of work on my part, I have come to realize that when I'm angry over anything, my perception of it all is fear-based. When I face my fears and question them, fear melts away and makes room for compassion. I had years of frustration.
It's all a process. Al-Anon meetings and literature can help that process along. That's one avenue for recovery. Are you on that path?
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I had to find anger before I found compassion for myself. When I was holding on tight treading water and all my time was consumed with figuring out how to hold my alternate reality life together all I had was fear and exhastion. After letting go of the need to try to fix the fallout I was able to get angry ... almost in the wy I would get angry about a friend being mistreated ... which was actually compassion for myself. And yes, anger motivated me to follow thru with difficult taks more than anything else. It makes me think of a parent who can lift a car off thier child when needed. With my focus on me and practicing self care (including protecting myself from his decisions and actions) I did not have as much to fear or be angry about. Somewhere along the line I started being able to do those hard tasks without being eaten up by anger and find compassion for everyone involved. Not always but more at least.
I'm having the same problem. I think I am ok, then my A comes near me and tries to talk to me, then asks if he can lay down by me, or sit by me, or hold my hand. I am so angry at this disease, and him for allowing it to ruin our future together. I look at him, and I don't even see my AF, I see a drunk, pathetic, guy. And I feel so much hate and anger. I am going to try to get past this a little today. But, I truly wonder if I can. I just want him out of my house and gone from my life. He keeps saying he is going, but he keeps drinking and not leaving. And all of this just makes me so angry, I wind up yelling at him to get away from me. Then he says, "OK, try not to be such a bitch." Or "OK, try not to be so hateful." Then he walks away and comes back 10 minutes later. Each time he has done this today, I can just feel my blood boil.
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I am a long time practicing Buddhist and "True Buddhist compassion has nothing to do with sentimentality or mere pity. This is because sentimentality or pity cannot help the other person achieve victory in their life. It cannot truly relieve suffering and impart joy.
Genuine compassion is about empowering others, helping them unlock their strength & courage in order to overcome their problems, even if it sometimes appears stern and contradictory. The essence of compassion is empowerment."
The word for compassion has 2 charecters, the first "to give happiness" the 2nd "to remove suffering". Buddhism teaches us to develop a sense of compassion toward all people.
The compassion I have is absolutely directed to me even when I am angry.
I can certainly get to compassion for an alcoholic when I detached but without detachment I am absolutely enmeshed.
The boundary issues you talk about don't just resolve overnight. Boundaries are things we should have got the hang of when we were children. If you grow up in a dysfunctional environment. Think about a child learning boundaries at school, then wonder if you would expect them to be resourceful, dignified and diligent straight away.
One thing I had to really come to expect about boundaries is that I was a beginner. If I had had boundaries I would not have been in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict for so many years. When I got started on them I was easily manipulated. I can't beat myself up over that. In some ways I had to just be willing to watch myself not be very good at them for a long long time in order to learn exactly what I was doing and when.
Somehow I had to put the stick down and be willing to let myself be a beginner.
Wow!! powerful awarenesses and experiences from the fellowship of MIP...certainly a great opportunity for anyone wanting to learn more about anger; what it is and how to live with it.
Anger is a normal, natural emotion...a feeling...and inner reaction to an outside event (some of my learning). I have learned about anger over time, from many elders in Al-Anon who came before me and by personal inventories comparing what I found to what I was being taught.
Anger is a "loss of control" emotion. Being in control is a normal, natural desire of people and loss of control results in fear and anxiety two emotions tightly tied to my pride and ego. Both get hurt and discounted and I get angry. It isn't self protection for me because my reactions in anger make my situations worse...always when I am out of program.
Anger developes in all four levels of this disease...mind, body, spirit and emotions and so in order to arrive back at peace of mind and serenity which is the goal program has set for me I need to rid myself of anger on all four levels all at the same time. Physically I release and relax...I let go of what I have allowed to make me angry. I don't react fearfully. Mentally I get rid of the stories I tell myself which perpetrate the anger and crazy mental pictures I project. These are false messages and the only real message is that I have allowed myself to feel scared and hurt. I visualize the opposite of what set me off or go back over the old truths about the subject I learned from the elders. Spiritually I become motivated to do positive, good, happy things for myself and for others...I stay away from funks and complaining and sitting on my pity pot with the seat belt tightly secured. Emotionally I seek an opposite emotion to Anger. If I practice it I cannot practice anger. For me that is acceptance. When I practice acceptance of everything around me for exactly as it is the anger sneaks off. For fear I practice love because fear cannot exist in the presence of love and love is the absence of fear.
Enough from me...and then just a bit more. "Compassion" is feeling with...for me. A little bit of that for me means that the other person isn't feeling very good about the situation also. "It's not about me"
I think you may be confusing compassion with sympathy. Compassion is sometimes standing your ground because if you respect a person, you don't need to baby them or allow them to have tirades and tantrums at you. Compassion can be letting someone handle their own mess and having their own consequences.
For me, I sometimes had to realize the most compassionate thing I could do for someone was to realize they were just not going to change to suit me and I had to set them free. It was not compassionate to keep trying to bend them to my will or to let them treat me in ways that made them think the behaviors were okay and also made me think I deserved to be treated that way.
In How Al Anon works there is a passage about verbal abuse , it is insanity to allow someone to tear us to shreds * just because they are sick * show a little compasssion for yourself , speak up and say enough , if you want respect you ask for it , tell him to lower his voice and stop talking to you like that or you will leave the room * a boundary * if he dosent now its up to you to leave the room , as long as its safe to do so ( if your concerned with physical abuse ) this is not a good or safe idea .
