The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If it's not one type of something it's another that he pulls out for a while. Then it seems to go into regression and then 'bam' he's slurry and ack again.
I have to admit that he sure hid this from me. Really well. We'll be married 2yrs next month.. and wow. I had brothers who were addicts but having a husband that is one -- it is quite awful.
I feel that I really don't have someone who will take care of me, who will be there if I get a flat or have an emergency or just need to talk and talk. I feel that he leaves me alone and goes into his own world-without me. Trust is very difficult lately. He's a wonderful man -- when his mind is available.
I found a site with addresses for Narcotics Anonymous groups and gave it to him, telling him that he needed help and to call someone. He asked me if it was something we could both do together and I told him that I thought that the group was for the users and not for me because I wasn't a drug addict nor an alcoholic. And then I got angry inside.
Why do I have to take the time and energy and effort to go to these meetings--I'm not the one who made the bad habits :( I'm not sure that's the right attitude. I don't know. But I do get pretty angry at times. Inside I get angry. I've never told him that it makes me angry just thinking I may need to attend one of these meetings.
For a short while I went to Celebrate Recovery. I kept looking for myself and didn't see me. Maybe I am blind to myself. I would hear everyone's story and it was one that they went through at one time and maybe now it's a spouse. I've been blessed with good health and am not interested in letting drugs/alcohol control my mind, my body, my health, my words etc.
My brother told me that I needed to insist that he attend meetings and that I need to attend something as well.
Part of the alanon process is learning to focus on yourself. Something that really ticked me off in the beginning of my journey was of course I didn't have an abuse issue so why did I have to make any changes. After all if he would only think and do what I told him to do everything would be wonderful.
Something I have discovered along the way is that my thinking had become just as distorted as my STBXA, .. I did NOT like the person I was becoming. As much as I wanted everyone to believe I had it all together .. i soooo did not. I was angry, hateful, bitter .. well let's just suffice to say I didn't have a lot of joy or gratitude in my life at that point and time.
The blessing of the program for me has been the fact I have a life now. I am becoming a person I am very proud of, .. I'm no longer the shrew. I am enjoying my children so much more and on so many more levels than I ever thought possible. We laugh a LOT now, have a tremendous amount of fun .. silly fun. I have to admit that was a hard road to cross for me!!!
The healing I have found and the fact that I didn't get here by myself, I'm not crazy, the disease of addiction is a terrible terrible weight on a family as a whole and it affects EVERYONE. Even though you think other people don't know they know enough to know something isn't right.
As far as your spouses program .. it's his program and it's his business (meaning .. it's not yours to fix), only he can find his bottom and decide if he's going to quit or not. Your program is only about you.
I hope you will decide to give alanon a chance .. it's completely ok to feel how you feel just come through the doors anyway, you will find family there and you will find you don't have to be alone as you make a journey of recovery for yourself. No one is going to tell you what to do. I was never told I had to leave my stbxa. That happened on it's own for various reasons. Ironically I look back over this year and a half period and I wouldn't trade it for the world!!! I'm soooo grateful for that, the people I have met, who are such a part of my life now it's amazing!!!
Hugs to you and keep coming back you are worth it!!
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
AA groups have two different kind of meetings - some are for the As only and there are also some 'open' meetings where both the As and families can attend. I'm guessing that it's probably the same with the NA groups. I know that I learned a lot when I attended some open AA meetings and incorporated that with what I got from my own Al-anon group.
I did a quick search and yes, NA does have open meetings but the addict needs to work his own program as you work yours and maybe down the road when you both have a better understanding of how these programs work, attend open meetings together. Your husband cannot depend on you to walk him thru his recovery - he has to take that step on his own - having a sponsor from within his own group will give him the support he needs. Or on the other hand, maybe you could both attend an open NA meeting initially then split off into your own individual groups -- you do have options - it comes down to what works for you.
I started my journey in the open AA meetings, looking for a way to help my A Father and was welcomed into the group but also referred to Al-anon for my own personal healing & growth.
It's been a while now that I've been wanting to go to a meeting but wasn't sure whether I'm supposed to go with or without. I understand you and as I read more, understand that it can be done both or either way.
I could kick myself that i didn't see this before we married. We lived 2hrs apart and would see him when he came over or when I went. I didn't see his daily living. When he talked about 'self medicating', shoot, I didn't connect with the term! I thought he took and aspirin or an herbal supplement or treated his cough before going to a doctor! i didn't realize that he was 'telling' me that he had addictions :( My counselor told me that they can hide it very well. He did.
OK. So today I am going to find myself a place to go for me. And I will remind him about taking care of his own business but I will go with him to an AA or Narcotics Anon meeting (open) if that's what he likes. I do realize that I'm not going to be his mommy but that his healing is his to journey to and mine is mine.
I am going to go to one for myself and will attend an open meeting with him. If that's what it will take to get him there the first few times, I am willing.
Before we moved, 3 months ago, he told me that he hoped the move would bring a change for him but if he continued in the same vein, he would seek help. He seemed to be doing pretty good until the past 3 weeks or so. Well, I thought so anyway. What do I really know?
Right now he isn't drinking. I think he's smoking something that makes him stupid and off balance. He's not 'here'. He's spending an extraordinary amount of time outside on the deck or below the deck. In this heat that is wild. It's like being single except I'm not. When he's drinking he gets verbally abusive. A fight picker. Critical. He's diabetic to boot. I'm glad it's not drink right now. But he does trade off.
When I realized that I had an addiction problem myself, I went to an open AA meeting because after deciding to stop the drugs, I found myself in a liquor store looking for something to numb-out. Now I literally hate the taste alcohol and realized what I was doing. I left the store empty handed and drove straight to the AA meeting. After the meeting a young girl befriended me, sat with me and listened as I admitted that I needed help. She offered to follow me to the rehab center and walked me in with her arm around my shoulders. She sat with me while I was checked in and then wished me well & left. Never saw her again and never knew her name - I was so scared of taking the steps to go to rehab and may not have ever gone that route if it had not been for her. (I couldn't turn to any of my immediate friends for help or advise because they were all my drinking/snorting-buddies)
Both you and your husband can find this kind of support but you both have to walk thru that door.
This morning I talked to my husband about attending meetings. He wants to go and I've agreed to go with him as well as to an A-Anon for myself. I asked him if he liked doing what he was doing and he said, "No".
Now we just need to, as you say, walk through that door together.
Since my last sharing 3 hrs ago, my HP tossed another lesson on my plate. I smelled alcohol on my A son (been sober for a wk) and I confronted him - in a loving way. That opened up a whole lot of sharing from him which he hasn't done before - he said that if I had come down on him this hard 18months ago, maybe he wouldn't be where he is today - he also equalified that statement by saying he wasn't trying to blame me in any way - just acknowledging that I was the smartest person he knows and trusts me 100%. My response to him was "honey, I can't carry the water for you and you can't expect me to keep you healthy - that desire and footwork has to come from within you"
We also discussed the fact that even tho I am a recovering A & NA myself, I cannot be his sponsor thru his journey to sobriety. Yes, I've learned a lot in my recovery but I'm tainted to some degree because I'm looking thru the eyes of a Mom and that he needed a true sponsor without that emotional connection. I told him that I have to work my Al-anon program for ME and hopefully he can find the strength within himself to do the same.
