The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wish I had had this in front of me at a couple of odd junctures in my life. A lot of this is just basic common sense. And that's something that I was often lacking in after a disastrous relationship. Anybody who treated me halfway decently seemed like an answer to prayers.
I'm actually not sure I agree totally with what the author wrote, but I do agree with you, Tempest, that I had the unhealthy behavior that if any man paid me any sort of attention that he'd be "THE ONE" for me.
Something I'm learning is that if I want a relationship to work, then I need to treat the other person like a human being and a friend and carefully watch MYSELF in how I interact with the person.
The author of that post kind of leaves me feeling like she views relationships as commodities, and kind of has a skewed perception that men need to do all the work.
Here's some things I've learned.
#1. Respect and love myself and truly, TRULY mean it. If I treat myself with love and respect, I'm a lot less likely to allow someone outside of me to not treat me with love and respect.
#2. Recognize and accept the person for who they are right NOW. If I don't feel good around the person right now... if I catch myself thinking "oh, he's nice, but he'd be better if..." then that's a HUGE red flag on the part of my own behavior. If I'm wanting a person to change and not accepting them for who they are at present then I'm going to be fighting a heartbreaking battle.
#3. Do I feel like I'm fighting tooth and nail for this person's attention? Then it's time for me to walk away.
#4. Do I feel nervous and/or anxious around this person? Like if I say or do the wrong thing then they might leave? Another red flag. Time for me to walk away.
I've really had a lot of personal reflection time since my divorce. I've mentioned in here many times that I promised myself an entire year away from dating because I wanted to learn to enjoy my own company. During that time I really did start to truly love and respect myself. And also during that time I asked myself a lot of questions about how I viewed relationships.
I seemed to forget that this person was another human being who was not obligated to me in any way, shape or form. They deserve the same respect as I do, too. I used to feel like once I was in a relationship, that person somehow owed me something. Their time, their resources, their emotions. They don't OWE me squat. The same goes the other way... nor do I owe them anything, either. It's just a mutual agreement that we enjoy each other's company and we're both happy that we like being around each other... and that's it.
I'm certainly no expert, though. The above, again, are just my observations on my own behavior and how I treated other people and how I was treated in return.
I am currently loosely dating someone right now, and these are the thoughts that run through my mind when I think about the two of us.
