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I am learning slowly but surely how not to enable my ah. He moved into the garage about 6 weeks ago suppopsedly to have the time and space to work on himself. Working on himself has consisted of getting drunk every night with his husband and wife drinking buddies down the street and stumbling into the garage whenever the drinking is over. Things have gotten much worse since his move into the garage to work on himself. Yesterday we were supposed to sit down and talk however he sent me a text message from the garage that he was sick and depressed and didnt come out to talk as agreed. Later though he was not too sick or depressed to walk down the street to get drunk with his drinking buddies. He is not working and/or contributing anything at all to the home and family at this time. Just doing whatever he does in the garage and then going down the street to get drunk every day. I personally think if he cant do what he says and contribute something to the home and family that I am enabling him by letting him stay. Im basically providing free rent electricity etc. I told him yesterday that he has 48 hours to decide what he is going to do or the power goes off in the garage and the locks will be changed. Of course his response to my ultimatum was to suddenly start being really nice versus all the nastiness that he had been spewing at me. He also informed me Im not an alcoholic but Im thnking of going to AA. I also became angry.....I have to admit it here and told him I hope his alcoholic friends plan to let him move in there. That was met with what a bitch I am and that I shouldnt talk bad about people I dont even know and that they are really good people. Im sure they are in his eyes they are enabling his addictions. I know it is fruitless if I dont follow through with what I say and I am getting better slowly but surely. My question is this.....Is it enabling him if I let him continue to stay in the garage? I cannot keep paying the bills to cool the garage so he is comfortable. What is the best way for me to approach this so that I am taking care of myself and not reacting and making things worse for me. He sent me a text that he will talk to me at 9 am in the morning. Maybe he will actually do it this time. Id like to handle this in a healthy way................
Speaking strictly from my own situation: If I pay the mortgage, utilities, car insurance & gas, buy food, cook meals, provide washer & dryer for my A's comfort while he lays up drunk without requiring/demanding he contribute toward those expenses, then I AM AN ENABLER. IMO
I declared an ultimatum several days ago and the night before that deadline kicked in, I refused him entry into my home - my A spent the night on the porch - I live in the SW desert and sleeping on the porch in 100*+ temps (without access to bathroom facilities) appears to have driven home the point that I'd had enough. We have over a wk's sobriety now and he even went out and rustled up several days of work. When I awoke this morning, I found cash on my desk with a note saying 'love you Mom'.
I'm thankful for today. I will deal with tomorrow when it comes.
I think your situation is hard. Do you keep the utilities up for yourself or children? He lives there it will be difficult to get him out. Honestly the garage arrangement doesn't sound all that bad. Maybe just leave him be?
I suppose the only other thing I might consider is that I do nothing for him specifically (cook, clean, help, etc) and disengage from contact while he's playing wayward teenage boy living in the garage.
I suppose another idea might be to leave. Go rent a room, get an apartment (if possible), live with a relative etc and allow the house to go down (nothing paid, no cleaning, etc) while you don't have to witness it.
I'd definitely stop talking to him. That's just sucking you in.
Where is the incentive for him to make a change. If he was contributing to the household that would be different. Where does the money come from for the booze.? There are no free rides in this life unless he was a harworking man who lost his job like so many American have and he had a bad break and he didnt lose it because of his drinking.
I say there must be consequences. This is my opinion. Obviously you feel like your being taken advantage of. Your not his wife , he thinks your his Mommy. I think its a invitaion to disaster to let him stay in there. What do you feel you must do???
What is the reasoning behind talking about it. That wont change anything. What is the work situation?? Did he lose his job? Only you can decide what your boundaries are. I think you need to seek some professional help and also to start going to face to face Alanon meetings so you can be strong enough to put some boundaries in place.
When Alcoholics are so out of control we really need the tools to cope. Most alcoholics need professional help, we are not professionals. We can only do our best. I dont believe in labels, but thats my thing. I dont like the word enabling. I think it all depends on the circumstances and how you feel about it.
What has helped me in my own life and situation is to assess whether or not the cost I am paying for the status quo is within my means. I use the term cost both literally and metaphorically to help me assess if I can continue to afford what I am giving (time, money, comfort, conveniences (i.e. rides, etc.). I also assess and list the costs (stress, health issues, long-term financial security). Additionally, I use a strategy I learned about on Oprah called 10-10-10 where I assess how I will feel about something in 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years. It's a great way to help me get perspective on my situation and make the best decision for the long-term.
Can you afford financially to pay for the electricity, the food, the mortage, etc.? (Even if you can, doesn't mean you should, but often I find that whatever I am paying for I can't really afford it financially).
Can you afford emotionally to pay for the elecricity, the food, the mortage, etc.? Is it causing you to work long hours or does it mean you have nothing left over for savings/retirement?
When you look at this situation with nothing getting better how do you feel about it in 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years if nothing changes? What would the impact be on you financially and emotionally if nothing changes?
Asking these kinds of questions has allowed me to set boundaries for the different relationships in life. When someone close to me is productively meeting goals (working, even if it's part-time, going to school, studying for the GRE, etc.), I am more than willing to help - everyone can use a helping hand at times. However, if someone close to me is actively in their addiction and disease and is not getting help, then I consider "help" to be enabling. The difference for me is whether it is a "favor" (a one-time or short-lived help) or a lifestyle (ongoing, indefinite "help" with no end in site and the only person "helping" is me). I do favors, I don't enable lifestyles of not working, not talking, and drinking alcholically.
Before I could make serious moves on whether to stay go from the now ex A I had to make a plan be. That is what did I need if I was going to leave the ex A. I roughed it out. The plan be I had was pretty rudimentary. Oddly enough once I began making it all the resentment at the now ex A diminished. I stopped being obsessed with him and his friends and his issues. I started focusing on mine.
I think the issue of enabling is a very hard one. Personally I think its a way to point the finger. There is a fine line between enabling and obsessing about they have to get sober. I was always way way way over the line for decades. I always found myself incredibly frustrated and angry around alcoholism. I have to really really work on detaching and think about what is best for me.
I think the book Getting them Sober is a great resource on what to do and when to do it. There are legal issues when you are a husband and wife that have to be worked through. Consulting a lawyer might help
I know it sounds easy to do but the obsession with who he drinks with is a hard one to let go of. The ex A always had someone. When he lost one set he found another, they were all perfect for a long long time. They suddenly they were his worst enemies. If I didn't agree with either side I was not supportive. Oh and I was always but always a bitch. For me these days I expect an alcoholic to call me names and blame me. I can let it go but for years I wanted their attention and esteem. I was expecting a sick person to give me self esteem that I didn't have.
Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences strength and hope! Everyone shared something that I can take with me to help me take care of myself and grow stronger in this area. I am finding that I need to learn to detach in order to do what I need to do first and foremost. I really like the 10-10-10 strategy. I had never heard of it but I think it will be a helpful tool in decision making for me. Thank you again to all of you for your support!
What would he do if you tried to kick him out? Would he actually leave or would he make a scene? Is he on the lease/mortgage? If so, it's going to be more difficult, I'd imagine.
I own my house and had it since before we were married. I have not put his name on anything. He says he has nowhere to go and he has no job but I am sure he will manipulate someone else to enable him however that is not my concern I have to take care of myself and my 3 year old granddaughter that I am raising. I told him today that I am going to turn off the electricity to the garage next week and he informed me that he would like us to try and start over and date and try to build a foundation that we never had. I told him I will let him know what I have decided on Friday that I need to think about it. I dont see that happening as he is not even making any attempt to change anything. Hes still hanging out with his drinking buddies down the street tonight. He has to make his own choices and follow his own path and I need to do what I have to do to stop the insanity. I will consult a lawyer and have started therapy.
Aloha RhondaP...what I finally learned about the difference between helping and enabling came down to this...If they have the time, ability and facility to get their responsibilities taken care of and I step in and take over I'm enabling. If they lack any one of those three things...and they ask for help first I then make the decision to help or not. That is how I look at it today and that is how it works for me.
I don't look at it anymore from the angle of "I am responsible".
