The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good question, CDK....one I have never really asked myself. I will think about this until I come up with the answer. It is hard to believe that I am getting something from this when I hate the way I feel about myself. I don't think I even know where to start with this but I am going to give it my best shot
-- Edited by Gailey on Tuesday 10th of July 2012 09:55:04 AM
The other thing I do... if I keep focusing on others, taking their inventory, looking at all their faults, etc, etc.....
I don't have to look at MYSELF. That's the hard work right there. My first sponsor taught me to work a step 4 inventory every time I had a resentment, every time. That's how I get to know me.
Maharishi used to say, "See the work, do the work, stay out of misery." I am my life's work. The same is true for others.
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 10th of July 2012 03:26:03 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I have such a problem with resentments toward people that "get away" with actions that I think are so self seeking. I cannot find a way to "let it go"
I have been praying to HP to help me to release these resentments and take care of and focus on my own life but I keep slipping back. It is like I want these people to suffer consequences but they have no idea....I am the one that is suffering because I feel "done too"
One example is my boss. She is not a good boss in my book but she is also a long time friend. She does so many things that a boss (imo) should not do. It would not be tolerated by her employees...BUT...she is "THE BOSS"
I keep fantasizing about the day I retire that I am going to write this very long list of things that she has done over 15-20 years that I thought was wrong and let her know. I know then I will no longer be a friend of hers but in my "resenting mind" she has to know.
There are many other areas where I feel like this and it is just ruining my life. I must keep praying about this and do whatever it takes to let go of the obsessions of the way others carry on with their lives.
What's the saying......"Resentment is like taking poison and expection the other person to die"
I have to remember it's not my job to monitor other people. I hear the term "taking someone else's inventory" I don't know if that applies but it makes sense to me. We all have the dignity to decide who we will be and how we will be that.
Also when I was going through work with my therapist on resentment, what came up finally is that when we worry about other people, we aren't worrying about ourselves and we are getting something from it. I was getting a false sense of confidence and self-esteem. I felt better than the other person by focusing on their faults.
Now when I feel myself doing that, I just remind myself it's none of my business what they are doing. But it's not easy and I still slip back into it sometimes.
What am I getting out of it? I need to ask myself that more often. I have the opposite problem. Whenever something like this happens to me, I tend to swing the other way. I begin to think of all the ways I deserve it, and am probably the stupid one and they are doing it right. I never protect myself, and keep myself in harms way. So, thank you for the question.
I finally bit the bullet and prayed my HP would grant the person I resented (or whose list of misbehaviors I obsessed over) the very blessings I treasure for myself. If I want it for me, I had to want it for him or her.
Tough as that was to do, I think it worked relatively soon. I forgot to notice it because I no longer had them living between my ears.
Hehe... had to smile at this one Gailey..... one trick might be to write out all those resentments, and then throw the list into the fire, and watch it burn away (or put it into your God/HP box, and let it get taken away).
You know the program well.... holding onto those resentments only hurts YOU, and not the person you're holding them against...... When I got better, is when my sponsor carefully explained (many times) that very true fact.... I wanted to be better, and happier, and healthier - firstly for my kids, but (ulimately equally important) for me as well....
Take care, and light that fire!! :)
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am really struggling with this right now and I am so glad you came on here to share. I know, in my heart, that resentments only hurt me but it's so hard when I feel that someone else's actions affect our son and myself. I feel they are unacceptable and that they aren't in accordance with my beliefs and values. I truly understood every word you posted and I'm so grateful for the feedback you got here today!
Great thread, it reminds me of how sometimes "what I'm getting out of it," is simply my need to feel "right." If, in my mind, I'm right, that means someone else is "wrong," which means I'm the superior one when I walk around with those thoughts in my head....
Before recovery, I didn't know I spent most of my life playing that plus/minus game, comparing and judging myself against others. For me, all of that was just how I handled having such a low self-esteem and not valuing myself.
The slogan, "Do I wanna be right or do I wanna be happy?" helps me a lot. Today, my goal is to just keep practicing this program to the best of my ability. Working an inventory with an experienced sponsor has brought so much light to my life, life is good, I am so grateful for al-anon.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I know the people pleasing me wants to be friends with everyone. At the retail job I am at I have one supervisor who is really really mean and downright rude. Then she expects me to turn around and be social with her. I have had to learn to set really hard boundaries around her. Certainly I can't say anything about her actions at work but on my breaks I have no need to try to get her to like me anymore.
I think all relationships are very very hard for those of us who are drawn to alcoholics. That is one reason I put up with the alcoholic because I could so easily judge him and believe how much better I was than him!
I used to have this geiger counter about what people "should" be doing at any time or day. I was also riveted to what they were saying about me. The only thing I could tolerate in that area was that I was a fountain of goodness, kindness and white light. I am, needless to say far from that.
There are a lot of relationships I had to re-evaluate in the light of working an al anon program. I used to pour my heart and soul out to anyone. Now I don't. Of course I do discuss my problems and issues with certain people but I'm not an open book.
I've found really setting certain boundaries are about the ability to walk away. If someone crosses my boundaries on a consistent basis what are they doing in my life? Why am I tolerating it? What can I do differently. If I keep saying no to someone and they don't hear me maybe I have to say no in another way which means another kind of a relationship.
The easy way is they are wrong and I'm right. I could feel very moral and righteous with that. These days I am willing to let people be wrong. If someone wants to drink, use drugs and not take care of themselves I no longer feel its my duty to step between them and their self destruction.
Examining every single relationship is a very painful process. The way I behaved around alcoholics and addicts had a lot to be desired. They way I behave around them now is very different. I engage on a whole other level, my expectations are much more realistic. I don't spend my evenings feeling superior to them either I'm too focused on what I neede to do next.
