The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is in sales and qualifies for a work related trip every year. They have them in October and this years trip is to Costa Rica. I would love to go to Costa Rica but I really don't feel ready to go on a 5 day trip with him right now. I'd be expected to go to dinners with the president of the company, have to smile and act like the dutiful wife in front of his co-workers, etc and it's just not something I feel like doing right now.
He usually should have gotten the reservation request email by now, as we get them in early July every year but he hasn't forwarded it to me yet nor has he brought up the trip yet. Maybe he already knows how I would feel about it?
I have no idea how to talk to him about this as we've been getting along well over the phone. I am gone for the next 3 weeks still on our extended trips and as long as I don't bring up drinking, the dui, his driving on the suspended license, etc we get along just fine. Not sure how things will be between us when I get back home in late July. I know he has to respond by a certain time, too, usually by the end of the month as to how many people are going, what airlines we like to fly, and which restaurants we'd like to go to for dinner. There's a part of me that thinks I could suck it up and just go and enjoy what I can for myself, but will I really be enjoying myself if I'm just not enjoying his presence or if I feel anxious about whether he'll drink, etc? I just have not gotten to a point where I am at peace. October is a long way away in some respects but I know this trip needs to be planned early so I have no idea how to talk to him about it. Sigh, guess only time will tell!
I had that same decision to make many times. Many conferences and places to go that were his work related. I would usually go with the knowledge that I would be on my own.... just like at home. I would see the sights and activities provided and have fun. I knew he would be drunk by early afternoon, limp through the rest of the afternoon and miss dinner because he was sleeping it off. His excuse was that he was "tired". I would go to the dinners with the group, or go by myself, whatever I wanted to do.
On the other hand.... we usually rented a condo in a vacation place every October and I finally had to tell him to go without me because I was tired of seeing him so drunk and not able to be with me. I was bored. I was tired of just reading a book a day. He may have been having a good time, but I wasn't.
Do what is good for you. If you think you can have fun with everyone else, then go. Your hubby may have already may the choice that he doesn't want to go. If it matters to you, then ask.
Funny thing, though, he never drinks on the trips(except for once during the golf outing last year and he denies it to this day even though I know the truth). He is too afraid of screwing up in front of the company brass so he is on his best behavior and actually seems to 'hide' out more than anything. It's just the fact that things have not been good between us and I am not sure I want to spend that many days with him. I know I could use the time to talk stuff out but the way he's been lately, our talks end up poorly. He's so deep in denial and in pushing his own agenda to 'do whatever he wants regardless of the possible consequences' that I don't think talking about our marriage will really yield any positive results. These past few months have been the worst in so many ways and I'm really enjoying my vacation right now. I am leaving this one up to my HP, praying that I have the answer when the time comes.
You answered my questions with your response, ilovedogs. He doesn't drink on these trips... not in front of his co-workers anyways. Will he be getting wasted after dinner in the hotel room? If not, I say go! Seriously, you might be able to enjoy something of him and certainly enjoy the country and experience. Are there any other wives you can get along with?
Also, maybe forgive him for the DUI? you said "and as long as I don't bring up drinking, the dui, his driving on the suspended license, etc we get along just fine" So is there any reason to talk about those things? I know you desire to work things out like a mature person, but that's not possible with a sick person.
I am so used to that "no-talk rule" that relationships develop when they start to get very dysfunctional. The problem is that soon almost everything is subject to the no-talk rule, and then there's not much left of the relationship.
I suspect that, like many things, there is no one right answer here. There are pluses and minuses to going, and pluses and minuses to not going. What we generally need to do more of is to take care of ourselves, so whichever choice does that more is probably the more helpful one. Hugs.
Mattie hit the nail on the head. We are so dysfunctional right now that there's not much to talk about. The relationship is really just a co-existence right now. What Mara said about forgiving for the DUI, etc. Yes, I have forgiven him and I'm relaying things as they are currently about the drinking, the DUI, the driving, etc because these are things that are going on right now. He is still on license suspension and I am still having difficulty dealing with his lawlessness as I feel it puts our family at risk. Forgiveness is one thing, accepting unacceptable behavior is another. And, I feel, at this point, that I am tired of accepting his behavior and acting like it's all OK and listening to him justify his poor actions.
I think I've hit a wall these days. I accept him for who he is, but does that mean I have to live with it and allow it into my life to create disharmony and to put our family at risk? I once heard this saying: What we permit, we promote. That really hit home with me these days as I sit here and think about what I really want in my marriage and for my life.
