The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been surrounded by alcoholism and addiction my entire life. My father was an alcoholic and my mother an addict. I'm engaged to a recovering addict. I didn't know her when she was using. I believed I had made a great decision being with someone who decided not to tolerate addiction in their life.
I never understood the disease and what recovery looks like until her. She had been sober for over a year when we met. She communicated so well and for the first time I realized how much the disease had shaped me as an adult. We just celebrated our one year anniversary/got engaged two months ago. She had 2.5 years sober. I really believed I would never see her sick.
I started going to Al-Anon meetings for myself from being a child of alcoholic/addicts. I loved the lightbulbs that went on for me every time I went to a meeting. I learned that I was a mirror image of an alcoholic/my parents in dealing with life with reactivity and pointing the finger. It was a lot to deal with/repair with my busy life. So I started to neglect the program.
The night before last, my fiance didn't come home. The last I heard she was going dancing. At 3am when she wasn't home I texted her and she said she was out and would be home around 4:30. I woke up at 7am in total panic. She didn't answer her phone, and finally strolled in at 10am. I asked her two questions: 1) Are you cheating on me? 2) Did you relapse? She confirmed the second, but I was praying to God she had cheated!
I was so angry. She refused to talk about it and wanted to sleep. I left her alone until last night. Then I blew up on her. We are planning a wedding and making offers on houses right now. I told her that I was so glad that the last offer wasn't accepted and that we hadn't put a deposit on the wedding venue. I said a lot of other really harsh things and cried myself to sleep.
This morning I picked up three books - "How Al-Anon Works", "Hope for Today", and "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions." I have a Nar-Anon meeting in an hour. I'm really trying to stay strong and work on me. But the fear is intoxicating. Every time I hear her keys I'm afraid she will go use again. I feel like I can't trust her. Part of me wants to get out now and save myself. I feel like this fear and inability to trust is not a healthy place for me to build a family and future. But I'm so in love with her, that the idea of it breaks my heart.
I don't know what to do with myself. Do I stay or go? Can I ever trust her again? What if I stay and she does this again? How many times do I let her tear us apart? Part of me thinks I should give her ONE chance, but what if the next time she relapses we have children. My biggest fear is exposing my future children to what I saw growing up. I feel like everything I was so sure of 48 hours ago is all in limbo.
Thanks for reading. I am brand new to this website. Any stories/advise/kind words will be helpful and healing in my time of uncertainty.
I'm so glad you have found us. I hope you'll read many threads on this site, find a good meeting (they say to try six because they're all different), get the literature, and learn all you can about alcoholism and addiction.
I had the same response that you did when I realized my partner was an active alcoholic. I thought I should give him another chance. In fact, I gave him dozens, if not hundreds, more chances. I thought I was trying not to be hasty and throw away something good. And he always talked a good line -- "It's under control, you have nothing to worry about." I didn't realize how incredibly powerful addiction is.
What I wish someone had asked me early on was, "If you knew that nothing was going to change, what decision would you make?" Because I, like so many others, held on and on waiting for the change that would make everything okay. I put my whole life on hold waiting for that change. In fact my alcoholic was a lot less concerned about that change than I was.
Years later, I finally left when my husband (as he was by then) endangered our baby in a drunken state. I hadn't even known that he was still drinking at that point. I was completely blindsided. And it was only an act of God that our baby was not killed in that incident.
Everyone's situation is different, and only you can say what's right for your situation.
Please take good care of yourself. Learn all you can. I hope you'll keep coming back.
Seablu no matter how much feedback you get in the rooms and from us you know that the ultimate decision is yours as it has been in the past. I had to ask myself "what did I get from my past decisions" and then acknowledged I was living in a way I never ever intended for myself. I was doing it on pure luck and almost all of it bad. I learned what the meaning for "trust your gut" really mean't and then I learned the meaning of "It works when you work it". Look in the mirror...tell yourself "Seablu I love you unconditionally and I will protect you" and then do the next indicated thing. Stay out of fantasy cause this disease is nothing but real. In support (((((hugs)))))
As a young child I grew up in a home with alcohol and drugs, a hippie atmosphere I guess you would call it, addiction was not present in my immediate family to affect me but the environment did build a tolerance for acceptable use in people I met later in life. My lack of understanding of addiction was actually my biggest downfall.
I decided to marry my exAH after a 4 year relationship with 1 year of sobriety. My lack of understanding the difference between sobriety and working a recovery program on his part is my second largest regret. The first is not having a program of my own to help me form the tools of detachment and boundaries I needed in my life. To be honest I would have walked out on the ceremony seeing him hung over for the first time on over a year But I did not have those tools yet.
One thing from AlAnon I really like is the suggestion, when you do nto know what to do ... do nothing. it took a while to become comfortable with just waiting for not just an answer or reaction but for the right answer for me. Try to keep the focus on you and to get back to your program so the answers you need will come.
I have a similar story to yours. My AF has had 4 relapses in the three years were have been together. =( I don't think anything will ever change. He was my boyfriend when I was 18-20 years old. We reunited on FB. He was in recovery. I thought it was wonderful that I finally picked an A that KNEW they were an A. I was blindsided by the first relapse then walked on egg shells praying that there wouldn't be another relapse, in the middle of one right now. We live together, and have planned our wedding. It was supposed to be Aug 18th 2012, then we cancelled that date and moved it to May 18, 2013. Now if I am wise it will never take place. I don't think he is able to have recovery without many more relapses. He has been lower than low, you would think he would never want to go to that lonely bottom again, but apparently he will.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Thanks everyone for all your support! This website is a wonderful resource!
I went to Al-Anon yesterday. I am going again today, tomorrow, forever... My fiance met with her sponsor (who is amazing) and is back on track right now. I'm just working on ME now. I'm going to make Al-Anon a regular part of my life. I have SO many personality traits that I've developed over time from all the alcoholics/addicts in my life. I have a lot of self work to do - that that's where I'm at right now.
When my Fiance came home from her relapse I said so many terrible things. I told her she was a terrible Mother (we have part time custody of her 6 year old who was not there at the time), I called her a "crack head" I told her I was so glad we weren't married and that I was closing all of our joint accounts because I can't trust her and never will again! I told her to take the motorcycle back (which is in her name) because I won't help with the payment. I told her that she might as well walk right back out the door and get high, because she has ruined everything with us and our life. I think I ended it with caller in her a selfish B**CH and told her to get the HE** away from me and take a shower because her smell and presence was repulsive! Then I picked up the clothes she walked in with and threw them in the dumpster because I felt like they were contaminated.
An enabler, I am not... But I think was wrong for treating her that way. I was really reactive, and I was using manipulation to make her want to be sober. In hindsight, I'm surprised she didn't listen to me and walk back out the door. I was just so angry because I told her if she ever used again, I wasn't sure if I would stay.
Right now I'm living with the rule of: If it happens once, shame on them... If it happens twice, shame on me."
My hope is that it was her last time. She was sober for 2.5 years. In the past she was only sober for under a year and her relapses lasted weeks/months/years. This time she said she came right home because she doesn't want to use. She said she hates this disease and could feel that she was "off" for weeks before it happened because she hadn't seen her sponsor and hadn't been going to enough meetings. She said she got arrogant about her recovery, believing she had control over her addiction after 2.5 years. She knows now that she does not, and says she has to operate with the mind that she never will. We made a deal that we will both work recovery, me in Al-Anon and her and AA. I need to keep my side of the street clean by being more supportive of her recovery. I know now that it's never okay to ask her to skip a meeting so we can have time together. I guess I didn't realize how serious it is for her to be at those meetings, as I'd never seen her use and never thought she would. I can work the steps in Al-Anon right along side of her and be supportive in that way, as well as take care of myself. I need those meetings just as much as she does.
I pray that this will be the last time, and that if it is not, I'll have the strength to walk away as I said that I would if it ever happens again. For now, we are slowing down with everything we planned for the future and living one day at a time. Thank you ALL again for EVERYTHING and for such wonderful support! HUGS/LOVE...
Question: I see a lot of abbreviations used in the above responses. What is A? AH? AF? etc?
But I did not have those tools yet. 