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That's the big question in my life right now. Do I stick around my sick family members or leave for a while?
I've been in recovery for years and it took me a lot of hard work to accept, then work through the pain of, the truth. Some folks know the truth off the bat but in my case it was very well-hidden and they kept telling me not only was I wrong that they could have any fault but I was also bad, real bad. It was all my fault. So I grew up with no self-esteem and had a life of suffering from trying to get others to validate me, which I didn't even know was underneath my relationships with sick men.
So now I know the truth. And I no longer tell my parents what is "wrong" with them but in order to get some self-esteem, do I detach and if so, how? Not talk for a year or so until i get some strength to be myself? Keep showing up at family events and tolerate the passive-aggressive comments and just leave the room and use tools, or am I not ready for that? What is the order in detaching?
I worked with someone who said she left her family and went to the west coast and it's not the solution. But I don't want to "save" people anymore. Is that something that can be worked out inside of me while sticking around my parents who keep hurting me? My mother who manipulates then my father who says it's my fault so he doesn't have to deal with her. Not saving others is a Principle. But so is Love, Patience, and Tolerance. Should I detach fully for now, then use Alanon tools when I'm ready to see them again? Most would say that's correct I think, but I don't know...isn't recovery an Inside Job? Inside of ME?
Confused.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Sunday 8th of July 2012 06:07:46 PM
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Sunday 8th of July 2012 06:11:13 PM
For me detachment isn't the same thing as abandonment. Detachment for me means exercising choices about what I do for my life at anyone period of time and then doing it. Detachment for me has no guilt or shame or fear or anxiety. Detachment is the hinges on the door that I can open and close at will.
My family (both sides) was alcohol crazy untreated and I was in program; only Al-Anon at the time. I was also a counselor working in a rehab and I was visiting my parents who lived down the road from me. My Mom had just fallen and broken her hip and that didn't keep her and my step father from continuing the nasty war they had fought for years and years. I was powerless and so I headed for the door with it's hinges. When I grabbed the door knob I said to my HP something I often say when I'm in doubt about my HP's will in things. "If there is anything here you see that I can do...tell me now or I'm gone". My HP's response was "You are a counselor aren't you"? and I got the full meaning of it. One of my skills was dropping the levels of attachments between the people I worked with and their relationship with me...in other words my Mom became just another woman and my Step Father just another man. I went back in and separately asked them for the permission to speak with them for some time on condition that they do not respond or ask questions of me during my time and they both agreed. With that we all got together in the same small space and I held an awareness session only from my own awareness and experiences and then...I left. I detached and left the outcome to my HP and went home without further involvement or concern. The next night I was at the hospital as my Mom was being scheduled for surgery and while I was saying goodnight and getting ready to leave my Step Father called me back into the room. He told me that he and my Mom had spoken after I had left the night before and both agreed that they had never heard what they had heard the night before and that all of it was true and they were surprised and grateful that it had taken place. At that point I did the same thing I did the night before after the "session"; I turned away with a smile, said good night and left them with HP. Before you do what it is you feel compleled to do as your HP if your HP has any suggestions...and then listen. In any case sooner or later you have to detach...go on with YOUR OWN LIFE. (((((hugs))))) In support
Thank you. I am asking my HP and the only answer I'm getting is, "Move forward with your life."
One part of me says, "Accept, tolerate them and mature spiritually. You don't have to elave them. USE the fact that they're still there to grow in this way."
Another part of me says, "You're not ready for that. For now you need distance to become yourself first, then go back later."
"S" you know that you have all the time, ability and facility to do it any way you choose. Listen at the meetings at how others are doing it or take a bite out of this one and then a bite out of that one and compare. For me I learned to rely on the experiences of others in the room learning that If I did something different than what I was doing I would get something different than what I was getting. Sometimes different made all the difference in the world (oh that sounds hmmmm). You sound like you have your option hat on and it fits really good...now "the courage to change the things you can".
My experience is that I used to think in black or white, all or nothing. But now I see that it can be more subtle. For instance, you don't have to see them every week or only once a decade; you could see them once a month. You don't have to stay for a whole meal; you could just drop by for half an hour, or send an e-mail. You don't have to do it all the old way or all the new way. You could experiment with whatever works for you, keeping careful tabs on your feelings so you know what's right.
My experience is also that our families of origin can push our buttons and pull us back into our old reactions like no one else. Detaching and taking care of ourselves for extended exposure takes a PhD in human wisdom! We shouldn't feel bad if we need to take breaks or it's beyond us sometimes. It's one of the biggest challenges out there.
