Counseling for yourself? - Al-Anon Family Group

callmemara · Veteran Member

Counseling for yourself?

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I've done various counseling for years. The only time I ever got help from it, was when it was my own therapy (not with another) and it was work based where each session we were actively working to undo my poor coping skills and learn to set boundaries, let go of my self hate and move forward.

I have to say, I was ready at the time to make changes so maybe before all those times they knew they couldn't get through to me and were hoping I'd 'come to'.

My work found mine but now I know that I would seek out anything BUT a talk therapist and anyone BUT a therapist that is into dragging up the past. Neither of those are effective for me. And I didn't do it on purpose but mine is also an addiction therapist.

BlueCloud · Senior Member

Yes, I have done counseling for myself in addition to Alanon. I am an Adult Child of an Alcholic and I have found counseling tremendously useful in helping me process the chaotic circumstances of my childhood (Afather, messy divorce of my parents, estrangement from my father). Specifically, counseling helped me discover and be honest about the emotional pain I was in. Counseling helped me set boundaries and affirmed that it was OK to set boundaries to maintain my emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental health.

Here's my ESH on counseling in terms of finding the right fit and to make it work:

Counseling has worked best for me when I work on myself. For a LONG time, I went to counseling NOT because I thought _I_ had issues, but because I thought my going to counseling would help me improve/save the other person or improve/save the relationship. I wasn't really there for MYSELF. I thought for a long time, if I save the other person, then I will be saved. i.e. if I can get them to stop drinking, then our relationship and I will be saved. Now, when I start saying he/he/he or she/she/she, I know now that I am taking the focus off myself. Now, I try to stay focused on MY problem...it's tough to figure that out in the beginning because we get so entangled with the disease, but it's worth it because we are the only ones we can change. ALL of the analyzing I did of why the alcoholic (or anyone else) did what they did was often a waste of time. I have to stay focused on what I can change and ask the counselor to help me change what I can. When I am telling a story of how awful/crazy my life is, I realized, I am not actually working to make it better. Now, I talk about what changes I want to make, try making them, and then talk to the counselor about what worked/didn't work, what feelings came up, etc.
I found that working with a counselor who was familiar with addiction and worked with addicted families have been the best fit for me because they know how addiction/co-dependence works. I have also found that if week after week I am not sure counseling is working, then it is not working for me. When it is working, it may take a few weeks but it FEELS like I am working, things are getting better inside of me. I have also learned that a counselor can be a nice, good person, but still not be a good fit - doesn't know how to get me to do the work/challenge me in the right way to change my behavior/thinking. My saying now is: just because it isn't BAD, doesn't mean it's good. It should feel like work. It should feel helpful. It should feel like it is making you happier, stronger, better (even though you may go through hard, tearful sessions).
I looked for someone starting with the on-line database on Psychology magazine (you can search by city/state, type of issue, etc.). You will see profiles of psychologists, their picture, their speciality, etc. I interviewed several people and REALLY CHOSE my current psychologist and he is TERRIFIC. The first few people I interviewed rubbed me ever so subtly the wrong way (messy office, messy hair, looked super tired, etc.- made me feel like their lives weren't together), they weren't BAD, but it didn't feel right. Then, I interviewed someone who was very nice, empathetic, soothing office, etc. but I just didn't feel like it was helpful (I went for a few weeks, but did not feel better/helped). Then, finally, I found the guy I see now. I liked him immediately. It felt immensly helpful and insightful within the first few meetings. It took me about 8 months off and on until I found someone that I liked, who worked for me, and who took my insurance (many people around here don't take insurance and I can't afford to pay out of pocket, etc.).
Counseling has been a huge help because it has been very healing to have someone truly listen to me and emphathize with my challenging childhood. Counseling has helped me by helping me implement what I learn in Alanon about taking care of myself and being true to myself. In Alanon, we don't get feedback. In counseling, the counselor can help by giving feedback by giving me another viewpoint by pointing out my strengths and helping me not beat up on myself. Counseling helps me deal with the inner turmoil by giving me a place to fully process my feelings.

Alanon has helped me ALOT and I wouldn't trade the community and the belonging to a group of people who have struggled with active addiction and no what it is liked. Counseling has helped me get to know myself and do my very best to implement Alanon and to take care of myself. I found that I needed several healing modalities at the same time to truly get better.

Hope this helps! If you have additional questions, please PM me! BlueCloud

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I have had TONS of counseling. Back when I was in my early 30's I sought help. Back then my challenges stemmed from being reared by a mother with a personality disorder.

There was a time when I pretty much forcefully nudged my then-AH into the office of a pysch because were having some problems. He lasted *I think* it was only two sessions. The pysch wanted to address his drinking. When he did, AH (who is now in recovery) told the psych that I was the one with a problem and not he, so he said he wouldn't return.

I hung in there with the psych for years. We addressed all sorts of challenges, one of them being married to an alcoholic.

Did it help? Yes, but it took YEARS. Moreover, when I was at my witts end and recently divorced, I stepped into the doors of an Al-Anon room. It was there that the lights came on for me. All that the pysch was trying to get me to see began to make a lot of sense (very rapidly, I must say). Listening to others share their ES&H is what got me going on a good recovery plan.

Currently, I'm not a regular at meetings for reasons I will not disclose here. But, I sure do practice the steps and all that the program teaches.

Whether a person needs both, counseling & Al-Anon, is based on an individual's needs. For me, I don't regret all the years I spent in counseling. I accept it as my personal path. You have to try what you feel is best and not be afraid to change courses if the need arises.

Oksie · Senior Member

There is no way I would have been able to apply half of what I learned from the program without also seeing a psychologist... and vice versa.

The biggest thing for me was to find one that I 'liked', or at least resonated with. Only way I could do that was by trial and error.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been in and out of counseling for years .. I think part of the problem for me was that I started so young and I really didn't understand a lot of what counselors were trying to tell/ share with me.

This time around though I am doing both counseling as well as alanon and for me that has just doubled the healing I've experienced .. I do tend to agree it can really take a long time based upon the kind of counselor you have .. are they going to hold your hand and not say anything of value until you figure it out .. OR .. are they going to say some pretty stirring things to get you to where you need to go.

I also think it's important to see a specific counselor who specializes and is respected in their area of practice. I'm seeing an addictions counselor and we are able to address the issues that I have on a multitude of levels. It is really amazing to me to watch the different light bulbs go off. She asks me extremely pointed questions about my healing and where I am .. it makes me think a LOT. Based upon those questions I'm really able to take a look at things around me and say hmm .. really?? THEN I can apply the steps of alanon.

Anyway .. it's amazing and I love it. Everyone is different and you have to figure out what it is that you are or are not getting out of individual counseling. I like the fact that it's an hour that can be about me. Sometimes I need that especially with what I'm going through at the moment.

Hugs P :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.