The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying to just go about my business. It's not working. He paws at me and I ask him to stop. Then he yells at me and says, "Well, that's not very attractive." Then just now he had a fit because I wouldn't help him find his wallet. Then he found it and is going to the store for more booze. I feel like a prisoner here. I feel stuck.
What should I do? I can't really go far, my daughter has my car. Something has to give. I keep thinking he will leave and not come back and then he comes back.
He smells like booze. I try to be nice, but distant. It doesn't work. I am doing something very wrong here. I have no peace and no serenity. Ugh.
I am sorry, I have been taking up so many threads. But, thank you all for listening.
-- Edited by katfshh on Sunday 8th of July 2012 04:24:32 PM
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I am so mad at myself right now. I just had a total breakdown, temper tantrum. He looked at me like I was crazy and he was totally in control. I am so stupid. Ugh. I really feel like this has to be my bottom. I am just so out of my mind. I love him and hate him. I told him I hated him, that I regret our entire relationship. I wish we never reunited. I was smarter at 20 years old when I broke up with him, than I am now.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Can you call a cab or a friend to pick you up? Maybe have them meet you somewhere within walking distance so there is no drama when they pick you up? So sorry you have to deal with this. Sending love and support.
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Namaste~
"For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Shakespeare
Oh that smell of booze will trigger my 'old-stuff' faster than anything and takes me right back to my ugly childhood. There is no amt of therapy in the world that will ever erase that smell from my memory.
Sit down and go thru your justifications to stay and your justifications to leave...the ones that result in your peace of mind and serenity...follow.
The courage to change the things I can...part of the serenity prayer.
When it was me I admitted I was done...overly done....burn't toast and had no other thing to trust other than the unknown after I walked. I walked and today I'm here with my peace of mind and serenity sharing that experience with you. I did something different than what I was doing and got a different result.
It's just a critical turning point in your life. It's going to take your internal resources to move fowards. Getting mad at yourself is futile. How could you have known things would turn out this way? You didn't. This is a rocky point in your life, but you will move past it. Keep searching for spiritual guidance and support and you will walk through the other side of this with your head held high.
I have been there, the pawing, the smell ... the demanding tantrum crap. I'm sorry.
Things I did to help with those situations included Noting my breaking point so i could get out before hand the next time Safety bag outside with extra keys and enough money to get somewhere (I was lucky to have a workplace I could go to 24/7 via walk or cab) Practice handing it all over to my HP Asking for help from my HP (pretty amazing how many times that worked .. like someone inviting my exAH to go out etc)
Don't beat yourself up. You are doing the best you can right now. Take care of you.
Thanks everyone. Yes, that smell digs up something inside of me that I can't even explain. It triggers something very deep. I hate that smell like no other. It's bizarre.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Can so relate to the feeling of losing your temper and them somehow gaining an attitude of control from that. It seems that the happier I am, the more miserable he seems. So screwed up!! My husband is in very early recovery, if you can call it that. I call it a series of relapses with lots of the bad personality changes sticking around even when he is sober.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
The answers lie within you. Serenity is within your grasp if you chose it. I read your ups and downs and they help me so much everyday. I wish you weren't in such pain right now, but your hardship helps me to remember the insanity that I left behind only about 40 days ago. When I second guess myself I read about your qualifier in your posts and think, "oh yah, that's why I left." It feels awful to say that your struggle strengthens my insight into my own troubled relationship, but it does. You seem so kind, compassionate and intelligent from your posts. I think that maybe you don't know how incredible you really are.
Sincerely, Chaya
