The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am tired..frustrated...near the end of my patience.
All I hear from my AH is that he is alone and blames friends and family for abandoning him while he is "sick" (we have been separated for a year, he's been trying to be sober for 2). I have heard it over and over for two years. When I ask, what do you think you need to actually find happiness? His answer "an actual support system! I'm alone" Is he stuck in the victim role?
I ask him, "well what are you going to DO about it" and there is no real answer from him. I keep saying the changes need to come from within him...and I get dirty looks, eye rolling, or him walking off telling me I don't support him. He seems to hold MAJOR resentments that I actually have friends and support.
I have no idea how to deal with it anymore...I have stuck by him as best I can while honoring my own boundaries and taking full responsibility of our house and kids while having a challenging career on top. He has NO clue what it takes for me to get through a day and be civil to him, much less try to have compassion.
I end up losing my patience many many times--today I really yelled at him and now I feel bad about it but I cannot stand hearing him whine about his situation anymore. Then DO SOMETHING to change it!!
Thanks for letting me vent. I have some majors decisions to make. I need to really accept that.
Hi sookie, your post is a reminder that nothing outside of me had changed. I had waited for 26 years expecting him to change (that's all, lol.) I became a very sick, very resentful human being.
Higher power did not change my life or my circumstances, Higher power changed me through the 12 steps and by taking all the suggestions of recovery. Once I hit my bottom with it all, and became sick and tired of BEING sick and tired, my willingness gave way to the miracles. My sponsor told me to just suit up, show up, and leave the rest to God. For me, it was my last option, I had tried everything else first. It took what it took to get me here, 26 years passed me by. But I am full of gratitude.
That's my story, please take what you like ((my friend))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I do feel I need to hunker down in my program a bit more focused. What I have been doing got me here and through the last insane year and I am grateful for the changes in my perspective and reactions--but I need to go further and I am SO glad I have a program to help guide me. Thanks glad lee!
Sookie the real question here is what are YOU going to do about it. The alcoholic is content even though he complains, its just lip service. They dont know why they drink or act they way they do.
We never get anywhere if we take their inventory and put the focus on them.
You have heard the saying in Alanon "Nothing changes if nothing changes." Really connect with your HP and dig deep down to know what is the change you need to do. We cant change them as you already see. We only have power over ourself.
Keep coming back and uncover the solutions and continue the journey for your happiness.
I think you see by now that you have to do for yourself. Keep coming to meetings and keep working on yourself. The answers will come..... slowly or fast, but they will come to you. I hear the "you don't support me" often. He keeps the focus on him and he wants to have me keep my focus on him too....just like the old days. I kept saying "when is it MY turn." But with an alcoholic you don't get a turn unless you take it for yourself. Wondering about him is just keeping the focus on him. Worrying about supporting him is just keeping the focus on him.
My hubby was sober for 7 years when he got cancer. Really bad cancer. He was told 2 months to live. But he decided to fight it hard and he beat it. I was there the whole time. But I heard from one of my friends from my AlAnon meetings that he didn't think I supported him "enough". (She heard this at a cancer support meeting that she also went to because she had cancer.) She was smiling when she told me this because she had been at all my meetings and heard me week after week about his treatments and how it all affected me. I asked my 4 daughters and my 3 SIL's if it could possibly be true. Had I been non-supportive? I didn't even trust myself to make that judgment about myself.... that is how entrenched in him that I was. My kids all assured me that I was fine. And I learned that no matter how much I did for him, he would always be a victim. It is 5 years later and he is still a victim, although he puts on a brave face for everyone else. He can let his guard down around me and be the negative, depressed victim. It takes all I have to ignore it and stay positive and upbeat. It is up to me to decide how much I can take of it. He obviously is not capable of supporting me, but that is what this disease is all about.
