The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been doing too much posting here, but I have been doing weekly reading of the board.
My parents are coming to stay with me for 3 months. My Dad has been in AA for 33 years. He and I argue alot. We just seem to be able to press each others buttons.
I hold a lot of resentment toward him. Funnily enough, not toward his drinking so much... but how much he abandoned me after he got sober. He hardly ever spoke to me again. The 8 year old inside doesn't understand but the adult me is starting to understand that he was doing the best he could to make our lives better by going to AA. The fact is, for me, it didn't really get much better. He was a dry drunk for the rest of the 9 years that I lived at home.
I can deal with him better in the last few years as I have mellowed in my age, and he has started going to meetings again after a break of about 15 years I think (doing online meetings and international letter writing as opposed to actual face toface meetings).
There is a round up in my area during the time he is here. I would like to go to some of those things with him.
He believes I am not affected by his drinking as I was too young. I believe I was affected, am affected, by his drinking years and his dry drunk years.
Dad is very much all about one day at atime. Even now he says he is 33 years sober, but that is only for one more day. Tomorrow, we will never know. Keeps me on edge a bit but that is how he has managed this long.
A part of me wants to talk to him about our 'stuff' and another part of me is scared to do so in fear of more abandonment. I feel I should have been part of his step work and I never was.
NOt sure what I am looking for posting this here.... just felt the need to share I guess. My husband recognises that i was brought up with addiction, and probably how we ended up together with him being an addict also.
BTW, he has been going well, we are going well, he has smoked pot only twice this year and I was not around either time, I was away working. He is respecting my boundaries today. That may change as this is a chronic relapsing condition.
In a couple of weeks I will have two addicts in my home. One totally abstinent working a program... one not.
Family staying for a few weeks usually will present issues . I would up my meetings and make sure I am using all my tools every day.
If Dad feels you were not affected by his disease I would examine my motives as to what I hoped to achieve by bringing up the issues from the past.. If you are looking for him to make amends that may be a stretch ---if you would like to work a Step 9 and make your own amends who knows where that conversation would go.
I would also discuss the upcoming visit with my sponsor and at Face to Face meetings. You will achieve clarity and will know how to proceed.
I know when I went to visit my family of origin my expectations were way up there. Of course since they are alcoholic I was bitterly disappointed but I wasn't really being realistic.
I too wanted my family of origin to shift through the past with me. They were not of the same mind set. Nevertheless things from the past did come up and that was healing for me.
I would really have to say examine all expectations. If your father isn't going to face to face aa he probably isn't going to go to a roundup. Certain people go in for round-ups generally they are active in face to face AA. I went to some large conferences a while ago and really had to work on limiting my energy and expectations.
I don't know what your father's goal is in visiting. Perhaps you can find that out and work on ways you feel about it.
You will certainly need to work the program of Al-Anon with your parents living with you for all that time.
Especially the tool of Detachment.
You may discover that he is unable to discuss the 'feelings' either you or he have had in the past, or how you feel even now. My AH even though sober for decades cannot discuss emotions.
The expectations and hopes I have had are a complete waste of time.
What is the saying on the board..... "One cannot get bread from a hardware store".
Thanks guys. Dad has returned to meetings in the past coiple of years and is looking forward to the roundup. Sorry i may no have made that clear
I am starting to think my motives are found in the want for him to say sorry and admit he harmed me.
I guess that runs a high possibility of me being bitterly disappointed
My parents come to visit every year, this year they are staying a bit longer.
Im looking forward to it. Maybe its not such a great idea to bring it up yet. Check out my motives first
