The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thankful for a relapse. His and mine. Crazy I know.
I feel like a truck drove over me and backed up. I made it to work, I made last night normal for my kids. I refused to "go" for him anymore. I handed off his suicide threat to his brother and sat down.
Text after text, please come, I feel abandoned. My phone is dying. They admitted me come see me just need to hold your hand. It took me 4 days to realize I'd had my first real face to face encounter with enabling in that version.
I'm thankful for the boundaries I did have and thankful that I can learn still. I learned they weren't enough. My "you have to go away from me" turned into him getting me to come to him. I didn't see it until last night but at least I did. Thankful for that.
Sorry for the drama running here for a few days. If you read it cool, if not no worries I'm not really needing anyone to follow it. But for those who have been supportive, thank you, it means more than the world to me.
I woke up with a plan, it will get me through today. His phone is dead I have no idea where he is. It doesn't matter to me right now. I hope he did go to detox, I don't hate him but you can better believe I've got some stiff anger I've been 'writing out' all morning.
My plan today? No more rides anywhere don't care what he says. Not picking his stuff up from the hotel. It's pretty much everything he has but that's his issue. He loses it, then that's the consquence. Not going to visit him. He will not see me again for awhile - I haven't set a time limit but for now I'm focused on 2 weeks.
With the help of two people outside of here, I am working on new boundaries. For me they have to be set up in advance and clear so that I have them to use when the time comes. The biggest one is that my original "you can't be with me" boundary is now "zero contact". And that is one I can uphold. I may have slipped, I may have enabled, I may have gotten back into bad habits but I'm not willing to roll over and give up. I just fight harder when I see that.
Also for today I have to start forgiving myself again because I'm not uspet for my relapse, I'm upset that my kids encountered this by my hand. And that's going to take me awhile.
The future is uncertain. He asked a couple times while drunk "how will I win your trust back" and the answer he will be getting is "you won't, I keep my trust, I'll let you know if I will give it back to you but there is NOTHING you can do to get my trust back" and that's the truth.
I know he is sick, I know I am sick. I know I sound cold but this is the only way I know how to love a sick person right now. If he can't accept that, he can walk away. This tough exterior is filled with love to the brim.
I so get where you are at!! Hugs!! I don't think you sound cold I think you sound like you are doing what you need to do to take care of you. He's exactly where he needs to be and where he goes from there is up to him.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Good for you! When you gained clarity, you really whipped into high gear. I'm always so gratified when I see the Mama Bear kick in. I know your posts have been helpful to so many of us. Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
So far so good. Working on step 3 and 4 I guess. He texted me a couple of times before his blackout, basically I just told him I'm very angry right now, I need a break and talking is a bad idea. Then he sent me the hall phone (they can get calls in detox on this hallway phone) with the message "you can call me here if you feel like it" or something like that. No I don't feel like it sorry.
I'm still evaluating my boundaries and when, if at all I want to speak to him or even see him. And the more I just go over the past few days in my head, the more I realize that he sure sounded like someone very into AA and doing well but clearly he's still very sick. And that means I have to deal with me for now. So this weekend, I'll go ride my horse, in fact I'm going to ride him a couple times this weekend. My son is celebrating his 9th birthday tonight with a buddy sleeping over and going to chuck-e-cheese. And my friends are going to the water park tomorrow so I think I'll take both boys there tomorrow.
And for now I just keep asking my higher power to show me where he wants me to be. But I do know at least one thing - I do know that this past week is not the life I am willing to live. So that clarity is a big thing for me and my HP to work with.
