The material presented
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Okay... So, I've been to probably a dozen Al-anon meetings and have been part of the MIP family for a month or so and I think I have conquered the world! LOL!
So, my husband is still in rehab but he was allowed a 2 day pass for July 4th. I was a little hesitant and I think he was too but all went well.. no drinking at all! We didn't fight, we just enjoyed each other's company. It was quite nice. Last night, I texted him and told him how much I miss him and can't wait for him to finish the program, blah blah... and he calls me. We talk for a few minutes and I realize he's not in a good mood and wants to talk about how he may not be able to find a ride for Pink Floyd. And I almost, ALMOST!, said that I would take him. But I didn't... the words started out of my mouth before I even thought about it. Whew.. glad I was able to stop myself... When I didn't say I'd take him though, he got mad and told me he had to go... I got off the phone and cried like a baby and wanted to call him and tell him to come home and that I'd do anything for him and that I just want our lives back... And then I pulled myself together and reflected. What am I doing!? I was caught off guard because I took my eyes off of myself and tried to control how he was feeling. I wanted him to feel better... Then I thought about while he was there. I had my "control and manipulate" gear on. There was one time he said, "I'm gonna walk to the store".. which was always cue for "I'm gonna get a few beers"... and I sat straight up and questioned him. He said he just wanted a Mtn Dew, Jeez! I said I have some and got him a cup. He looked a little frustrated with me but I thought, whew that was close... (Like his sobriety was my responsibility)
Not having my A here while I am recovering is a little decieving because I'm not actively dealing with him everyday and so I'm not exhibiting some of my behaviors and my anxiety level is a lot lower. I've still got a long way to go - heck I don't even have a sponsor and I think I'm better... Now I sound like my A did when he stopped drinking for a week... He thought he ruled the world and nothing could make him drink again...I thought I was cured... Nope! I am still just a miracle in progress.
I must not try to control my husbands behaviors - even by being passively manipulative. I must not tell him what he should and should not do - even if I do so in a way that makes me think I am not doing it. I do not need to keep tabs on what he is up to and I do not need to question his decisions - because that just makes me want to control him. He is a grown man and I am not his babysitter. I am his wife.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference...
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Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
I soooo needed your share today because it really hit home after not having my STBXA in the house for so long and then dealing with him as I have it really really threw me this past week. I'm so grateful for your share. Thank you!!! It does give me a false sense of security in my own program. It was shocking to deal with that part of things this week for myself. How far I have come and I had to remember this is a marathon with no finish line really.
You have no need to beat yourself up about things. I hope you have a sponsor .. my sponsor for the past few weeks especially has been such a God send .. she is so flipping awesome, we've helped each other face fears that neither knew the other was going through. How wonderful that is!!
Hugs to you my friend and be gentle with yourself!!
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Mandy, you are showing some great awareness, so proud of you, girl!!!
I am on vacation in South Florida and I went to a HUGE Al Anon meeting here on Tuesday. There were women in the program who have been in it for over 30 years and they still found themselves slipping up in the program. Something would happen and they'd catch themselves falling back into codependent character. It's a journey, don't beat yourself up. Those ladies made me realize that I am just beginning to scratch the surface of finding a better way to relate to others and in finding my peace and serenity. Love to you!!!
I get that. I've not gotten the "cured" feeling ever but I sure have gotten the "things are going so well that's all I see" thing which is dangerous. But I just keep getting back up. I know that's what I need to do. Great share :)
In what part of my relationship with someone did I ever agree to be this person's errand-girl. AND, at what point did that person ever agree to be my errand-boy?
It's amazing how much I've taken for granted in relationships. Some part of me equated my partner with that person being someone who would follow me around wherever I wanted to go and do what ever I wanted to do because they were somehow obligated to do so. The shoe has interestingly fit for both myself and the A, however. He always figured having a wife meant having someone who would do his bidding, as well.
Real amazing stuff. Really makes me observe and take notice and want to watch that about myself in a relationship now.
Just because this person is interested in my company does not automatically obligate them to be at my beck and call. Nor does it obligate ME, either.
I don't expect these things of my friends. Why do I feel it's acceptable to expect those things of my partner?
Not saying you're expecting him to do something for you - but in reading how your AH has this underlying expectation that you ferry him around made me think of this.
LOL!
