The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband and I met about two and a half years ago. There was never alcohol in my house growing up. So when I met him I didn't know the warning signs. He had two small boys and after a few months I moved in. He eventually started to become verbally abusive and was drunk all the time. He put me down all the time and I was scared to leave because he only would feed the kids after he woke up from his hang over. One winter it snowed really bad and he was out of cigs and beer. That was the first time he hit me. He used my own hands to hit me and was saying that I couldn't call the cops because HE wasn't hitting me. Later that day of course he apologized and I forgave him. I should have left that day. Months later I got pregnant and his herbal and physical abuse continued yet he still didn't quit drinking. When I was 4 1/2 months I finally fought back. He was on top of me hitting my stomach and I managed to work my legs up underneath his chest until my feet were on his chest and I used all my strength and made him fly across the bedroom. I hurt him pretty badly. Even now he still can't extend his arm like he use to. I managed to get my phone back from him and called the cops. Needless to say the cops didn't.take him away because I hurt him and they said they'd have to take me too for assault. A week later he quit drinking cold turkey and I STILL am so proud of him for that. The ugliness though was still there when we fought and I eventually started to match his ugliness. He's horrible drunk, high or when he abuses meds. I cant stand being around him, but want to so badly. He started drinking again a few months ago and his hitting started all over again. When I found out ie was drinking and getting high ie stopped, but begs me everyday to let him and tells me I can trust him. Yeah right. I don't love him anymore, but don't want a divorce and can't financially handle what that would cost. My boy is 6 months and his two 4&5 are with us now. I recently quit my ft job to be a stay at home mom. So many fights have happened, but not worth writing. He tells me he needs me to be kind and loving in order for him to get through this. Truth is I have no more kindness in my heart to give and I'm a monster towards him. I feel I cant trust him because of his lies and constant need for harmful things.
((((wangxue)))) welcome to the board...you've got serious work to do to protect yourself and the youngsters. Verbal and physical abuse and assault are normal in the disease of addiction. He's not arresting the disease, not going where others go to get help for himself and so you continue to be in danger. Not doing anything to protect yourself is what makes it bad for you. I am a former alternatives to violence mens' case manager who taught that there is absolutely no justification for violence on any level, verbal, physical, sexual, mental, financial and more and you have to stop it for you. There is nothing that he has that you want which should leave you in danger. Find a family and child support agency and go see them right away...make a report and file a temporary restraining order and take him into family court before the judge. Let everyone know what is going on and have them stand guard with you against it. I am serious. Alcoholism is a fatal disease and that does not mean fatal to the drinker only...I've seem many family members die as a result of this disease who didn't use or drink at all.
If you do nothing it enables the sitatuation to get worse...and it will.
Find the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and get the places and times where we meet and come talk with us...also get the phone numbers of the fellowship in your area for near support. Lots of us have been where you are at now and are still alive to talk to others about it.
Keep coming back here. It is terrible that you had to fight for the life of your child and yourself in that manner. The police at times are as dumb as sticks...hmmmm dangerous. (((hugs)))
I'm sorry to read that you are living with a violent and abusive man.
His drinking is only one part of his abusive behaviour.
It sounds to me that you have been trying to protect yourself as best you know.
You will get a lot of understanding here on this forum.
You do need to learn how to protect yourself and your child even more as generally violence in the home only gets worse.
Please be brave enough to continue to find support, your local phone book usually has Domestic Violence hotline numbers in your area, please ring them and ask how you can receive information and help.
You will not be judged for trying to protect yourself by people who understand your type of situation.
Are you sure there weren't warning signs you avoided - not necessarily about alcohol itself but about other things? Why were you so eager to move in so soon? Did you really have to stay in the face of alcoholism and abuse in order to take care of someone else's children or is that an excuse for abandoning your committments to yourself?
Did you stay after he hit you because you think that's the best it can get for you, that you deserve that somehow, so you might as well give up on yourself and secure this "relationship" with a pregnancy?
Nothing you can do will stop him from drinking - or being who he is. He needs his own Higher Power and you are not It. Sounds like you know he is a manipulator, so it's now up to you to decide if you want to stay in that or make some changes.
Even if it means being financially broke, I'd want to be free. I'd go to Alanon and whatever other 12-step programs can help.
12-step fellowship is about the only place left on earth where we don't allow ourselves to be victims - we know we're volunteers. Taking responsibility for our choices and doing the 12 steps to heal and grow and change leads to freedom.
All the answers are already inside of you, and now it just takes courage. You can do it.
, so you are not a victim, you are a volunteer.
wangxue wrote:
My husband and I met about two and a half years ago. There was never alcohol in my house growing up. So when I met him I didn't know the warning signs. He had two small boys and after a few months I moved in. He eventually started to become verbally abusive and was drunk all the time. He put me down all the time and I was scared to leave because he only would feed the kids after he woke up from his hang over. One winter it snowed really bad and he was out of cigs and beer. That was the first time he hit me. He used my own hands to hit me and was saying that I couldn't call the cops because HE wasn't hitting me. Later that day of course he apologized and I forgave him. I should have left that day. Months later I got pregnant and his herbal and physical abuse continued yet he still didn't quit drinking. When I was 4 1/2 months I finally fought back. He was on top of me hitting my stomach and I managed to work my legs up underneath his chest until my feet were on his chest and I used all my strength and made him fly across the bedroom. I hurt him pretty badly. Even now he still can't extend his arm like he use to. I managed to get my phone back from him and called the cops. Needless to say the cops didn't.take him away because I hurt him and they said they'd have to take me too for assault. A week later he quit drinking cold turkey and I STILL am so proud of him for that. The ugliness though was still there when we fought and I eventually started to match his ugliness. He's horrible drunk, high or when he abuses meds. I cant stand being around him, but want to so badly. He started drinking again a few months ago and his hitting started all over again. When I found out ie was drinking and getting high ie stopped, but begs me everyday to let him and tells me I can trust him. Yeah right. I don't love him anymore, but don't want a divorce and can't financially handle what that would cost. My boy is 6 months and his two 4&5 are with us now. I recently quit my ft job to be a stay at home mom. So many fights have happened, but not worth writing. He tells me he needs me to be kind and loving in order for him to get through this. Truth is I have no more kindness in my heart to give and I'm a monster towards him. I feel I cant trust him because of his lies and constant need for harmful things.
I can understand you are very mad at him. I can also understand being "stuck". When I was trying to leave the now ex A I had no money, unemployment had run out. I had some awful job that didn't pay anything. I had no where to go either. I had pets as well and didn't want to leave them.
There are many many people in your predicament. There has to be a battered women's shelter in your area that has a hotline. Call them and get their knowledge and help. Violence around children is taken pretty seriously these days. Remember you are going there for help for you not for him and there are consequences to his actions.
I can well understand the "dream" of wanting a family and know what it is to keep trying and trying to make things work. My "trying" made me more and more dependent on the alcoholic and less independent, more isolated and more and more ashamed of what I was living.
Now the truth is out. You have this board you can talk to people here, no one is going to mandate anything for you to do. There is a great resource that you can get to help you work through his addiciton and your response to it. The book is Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew. Toby Rice Drew also has an extensive web site which I found really helpful.
I think the scary part of all the fighting and arguing someone can get really hurt by accident not that you wanted to kill them. I know I becamse very very very angry at the ex A. I was so incredibly frustrated by his behavior and continued addiciton. For me the answer was to focus on myself and take care of myself and that's been a long task to go through.
I'm so glad you are here and reaching out for help. You do deserve it whatever your situation you deserve to be violence free.
I am so glad you found us and a place of support!!!! You already know you are in a dangerous situation I don't think you need us to remind you of that. Many people here have walked in your shoes, worked the program and made the best choices for THEM and the CHILDREN. It sure doesn't always happen overnite. But if you can get yourself to some face to face Alanon meetings they will likely have tons of resources and help to give you. Jerry already gave you some great info. Abuse, verbal or physical is unacceptable period, end of story. Alanon has a rule where we never give advice on what someone should do, only our own experinces, strenght and hope EXCEPT with the circumstance of abuse. Here is where you put the safety of you and your children first and foremost. Abuse like alcoholism or any addiction is a progressive behavior so what you have experienced so far is just the beginning. And my personal belief alcohol does not make a person do anything they wouldn't be inclined to do anyway. It may lower their inhibitions but even if he quits drinking without a recovery program to teach him healthy coping skills you will just have the same man with the same behaviors (including abuse). I know you are afraid to leave but there are many resources out there to help you, and i would ask myself this question..... how long before he starts taking his anger out on the children? My dad was a mean drunk and when he got mean he set his sights on my brother. I can't tell you how many times as a little girl i watched my father go after my brother. Those are my earliest memories. So for your and the children's sake please look into getting help, letting the secret out. We are only as sick as our secrets. I wish you safety and courage and hope you find meetings in your area that will help you greatly. Blessings
I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I'd like to share a little from the eyes of the children: my father was a loving drunk (too loving - but that's another story for another day) and he was mean when sober. He most always turned his anger on my older sister. My mom died when I was a baby(with bruises all over her body) & Granny raised us while enabling my Dad. All the time growing up, I could never understand how Granny could stand by and let him do harm to us. This was 50+ yrs ago and there were no support groups at that time but I'm sure she would not have sought help - keeping the family secrets was her 1st & foremost responsibility. She made sure we were clothed & well fed but never spoke up about the abuse.
For my own personal growth, I have forgiven my Father but still struggle with forgiveness for Granny. Having been involved in Al-anon for many years, I do understand the trials & tribulations she suffered - having my own A son, I do have empathy for her but forgiveness?....I've not completed that journey (yet)
I apologize if my share is off topic but you and the children deserve to live in a safe, loving environment.
