The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Had a wonderful 4th with family. Will see my sister again today for awhile. I'm from a huge family, 3 brothers, 1 sister, lots of neices, nephews. Was honest with my parents and siblings about why BF couldn't come. They understand and were also cautiously concerned, who wouldn't? And they also care about BF and were praying for him.
He opted out of detox, went back to hotel after request to stay at my house denied. It seemed a recipe for disaster. I admit I worried but I enjoyed the party.
No contact between 5 pm and midnight. After checking my phone a few times for an hour or so I out the phone away.
At midnight he texted he had slept the entire day, could I talk? I talked to him for a few minutes, he was sober and apologized but didn't wallow. He said he needs to prove to himself he can do this and he knows I did everything right.
He is on muscle relaxers so they make him sleep. He asked me to get him to his car tonight so he can get to a meeting, I said that would be fine.
I'm 2 hours away from him and explained I'll be seeing my sister first and would be later. I told him I was proud of him for being strong and getting sober. Didn't see any point in rehashing the past 48 hours.
Hugs .. woman I can't imagine how difficult this whole weekend has been and you have handled it amazingly well!! I only hope if I am in the situation with my STBXA that I am able to hold boundaries no matter how hard they are and still treat him with respect and dignity. I'm so not there you give me hope of aspiring to get there!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You know the concept of bottom? My version was after 2 years of continued controlling and abuse by my ex POST divorce. With the help of my therapist I got mad enough to do it. I was terrified of my ex but did it anyway. Then I learned with my kids (including the mentally ill son). So this was only hard because of the pain I saw in him. For me its become something I see as saving my life each time I do it.
Don't want to take up anymore threads here. I don't know if anyone is following this anymore or not - it's more something I'm just thinking out loud with now and the entire thing digests like a giant learning experience. Yes my feelings are a litle detached right now, I do that but I am aware I need to process them soon.
Latest deal, he made it sober until 4pm today. He accepted a new excuse, he had a huge PTSD dream (these things actually are severe and I feel for him on these dearly, this isn't a wake up sweaty deal, this is a wake up across the room screaming deal). He drank, then it just dissolved. Several texts asking for a ride to detox (I couldn't get there for awhile as out of town) then was going to call 911, then suddenly suicide threat and I took some time to determine if I thought it was a play for pity or not. I finally erred on the side of caution, contacted his brother, he called for a wellness check, next thing I know he's in ER 5150.
He asked me to come see him and has been asking now for 3 hours. I told him no. His brother and I talked a long time, his brother is long time sober AA and knows all too well. He said I'm doing a good job with boundaries and offered me further, stronger boundaries and I like them. He suggested I not allow him back at my house for a long period of time (determined by me) until he's back to focusing on his program. He also recommended that in a relapse, not just "away from me" but actually "zero contact" and that my last words to him should be "call me when you are sober".
Finally - I now have to sit and determine where I go from here because I am the type of person that will run out of patience for this almost instantly. I'm pretty certain that what he will hear from me is that the next relapse, is most likely the end. And while I'd like to state that in the finite - I know better. But I also know that yes I CAN keep that boundary. I don't know where this is going next. I know that he will be without contact for 5 days once they take him into detox. He is sitting in the VA ER begging me to see him, I'm ignoring him now and being told I abandoned him, etc. Call a quarter for someone who believes that line... grrr. He is willing to go to detox but it took him 3 days which is alarming.
So I don't need ESH or feedback or anything truly. This process written down here I may return to just so I can evaluate the level of insanity I have been stuck with for really almost 5 days in total.
I want to say it's amazing how fast we can get sucked back into old patterns so quickly. I remember listening to a share in the open AA meeting which was so very interesting to me ... the A said that they had 2 hard relaspes and they know on the 3rd one they won't be coming back. It was a heart breaking story. I have often wondered what it took for them to get sober again? It must have been pretty scary and pretty bad for him to look at this way.
I will be praying for you and your RA. PSTD is so not a fun thing to deal with on any level let alone the night terrors.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
" He suggested I not allow him back at my house for a long period of time (determined by me) until he's back to focusing on his program. He also recommended that in a relapse, not just "away from me" but actually "zero contact" and that my last words to him should be "call me when you are sober"."
I was given this same suggestion by my AF's closest (sober) long time friend. In fact, when he gave me that suggestion he told me that if I don't do this he (AF's buddy) will never speak to me again. He hasn't.
-- Edited by katfshh on Saturday 7th of July 2012 03:23:41 PM
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
