The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Happy to say that my wife turned a corner a while back. Though she still suffers from depression related to a felony DUI charge. Drinkers often blame everyone but themselves for what they did. And they can do this for a LONG time, sometimes sadly indefinately.
Detaching has helped my wife to face her demons on her own. She tried drinking again thrice since the DUI and in each case things got bad again within 2 weeks of drinking, culminating in her driving a friend's kids home that she was babysitting... while stinking of booze. She 'got away' with that incident, but that was when I told her I had to go to Alanon to cope with her drinking. She offered to quit drinking if I wouldn't go. She doesn't like the idea of me talking about the family problems in an Alanon group. She then asked how long she had to be off... I informed her forever and explained that if you look objectively at the history of her and the bottle that she is 100% alcoholic. DUI with 4 kids in the car, huge public humiliation and family embarassment over it, then actually doing it AGAIN... with someone else's kids in the car??? Had she been caught a 2nd time, it would have meant certain prison sentences.
So... she's been off for ages now - months.
But that need for detachment still comes up. Her family whom she hasn't seen in ages recently had her over for a 4th of July party. And they made comments about her being pregnant again and questioning her ability to hanldle so many (5) kids. These things cut her deeply. She was telling me about them, and I had to detach a bit. The fallout from drinking and her irresponsible actions AFTER the DUI are hers to cope with on her own. Sure, they do need to give her a second chance and I think it was fair to make that comment.
But she actually started to realize that a lot of the fallout she suffers is from her own doing. Which is always a plus.
I truly hope you get yourself to Al-Anon meeting despite what she "wants"..... I didn't get better, until I chose recovery for myself, and it was a hard thing for my male ego to overcome..... after all, "I wasn't the one with the alcohol problem, it was her".... crazy thing is, I was "at least as" miserable as she was, possibly even moreso, when she was drunk...
Al-Anon is a great avenue for us to regain who WE are.....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I completely agree that alanon is a wonderful program for recovery. I wouldn't have learned how to detach with love if it weren't for what I have learned in alanon.
I dunno I am not much open to people making judgments of personal comments on what I can and can't cope with. When someone steps over that boundary with me I put one down.
That's one reason I don't go to parties or lay myself open to people telling me how to run my life. Sponsors, therapists and trusted friends are one thing, people who havent' seen me in a while are another.
Of course there is fall out from lots of things we do in our life. The fact I chose to be with an alcoholic for 7 years has a fall out. Having to work a rotten horrible job is a fall out. All my life I allowed people to say things to me that really upset me. That doesn't happen any more. If someone crosses my boundary like that I put up another one.
I do think detaching is a great great skill and one that requires a lot of upkeep. These days if I meet an alcoholic or an addict I detach immediately. I no longer get pulled in or sucked into their drama. But it took me a long long while to get to there.
I know one of the things I had in common with the ex alcoholic was that I had very low self esteem. One of the things that caused it was that I was obsessed with what other people thought of me and my life. Now I'm not. I can't say I go out and have blazing arguments with everyone but I can and do stick up for myself in a calm and collected way. I also really have to work on practising whatever other people think about me is none of my business.
Aloha GL...might be that one of the best supports you wife will have is you being solidly in the Al-Anon program. My ex alcoholic/addict wife also had complaints and suspicions about me being in the program and they were all mis-directed. She benefited...she got alot of uninterferredwith drinking and using time, lots of sickness and insanity, many life problems all sitting at her bottom for her. She finally got into recovery in a way that was stunning to my own growth and understanding of humility and the last time I saw her she was clean, sober, beautiful and "free at last". It's her responsibility to carry on with it.
