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Our daughter has been so angry with us since she has been back home I have wanted to clear the air with her but haven't known how to approach it or her, and then last night she opened up a conversation with me, we spoke about alot of things but foremost in my mind is that I need to step back from her now and let her find her own way, she told me we don't move fast enough here for example the electric kettle broke at the weekend. I have just been using an old whistle kettle, in all the rooms throughout our house things arn't finished, jobs that my husband and myself had planned to do together I try as best as I can to do my part and then it's just left, it doesn't seem to bother me so much anymore I am just trying to deal with the things I can deal with and negotiating the important things for me, I used to feel responsible for everyones moods and feel like it was my job to make them happy, I was so releaved when our daughter left home I imgained she could learn to chose her path and be influenced by the people she met and see for herself it's all about choices, so now she is telling me I am wrong when for the first time in my life I feel I am getting to the bottom of and uncovering the real me, I usually have a megga headache at this point I may go on an eating binge, but I have done neither and have no desire to, my choices have affceted my children, my ways of coping have too, she is a true reflection of me the me that didn't know I didn't know, I would like to think I am not a controlling mother I just care is all, my first reaction was how dare you tell me I am not moving fast enough when every single day I struggle to put one foot in front of the other, I know I am moving forward ye slow but sure, she said something which is relevent here too, she doesn't know where she is with us or how we are with eachother, meaning my husband and I, we are friends it doesn't feel to me like we are much more than that for now that is all I can be, I had no boundaries and I lost myself, I may seem harsh in my responces to my daughter, but it feels right to be this way for her own good, she has her life I have mine, we can use our experience of life to blame or we can use it to change, I don't know how to put this into thoughts right now all I know is it feels like it needed to happen, I did lean very hard on my daughter she was my strength when I was weak she was the truth when I was in denial, we are going to be ok nite nite sleep tight hope the bugs don't bite x
((( Katy ))) Boy did I relate to your post more than you can imagine. I have 2 children my daughter the eldest. All she knew all her life was a strong, smart resourceful mother with energy to spare. We were very involved parents with both our children. I was my daughters confidante all her life, she knew i would give my opinion when she was older but support her decisions. She is very independant person and she moved out then back home every so often while she was in college and working and we were always thrilled to have her home. Then the bottom fell out big time for our whole family. My husband already disabled and unable to work I was the major bread winner. Not rich by any sense of the word but comfortable. I was in 2 tragic car accidents (neither my fault) had to have neck surgery from the 1st accident and was diagnosed with PTSD. I kept it under control with medication and continued my fast paced life style. Was working my dream job and damn good at it. I got to travel all around the US on business. 2nd accident 2yrs after my surgery sent me into a downward spiral i saw no way out of. I continued to work as long as I could But between my injuries and PTSD that came on like a bull rushing towards you. No meds could help that. My memories of abuse from my childhood I had suppressed for the majority of my life just washed over me like a huge wave. And none of my old coping skills were working anymore. I became severely depressed and had chronic anxiety. It got to the point i was literally a shell of a person (not saying this is you). I pushed everyone away and got to the point i developed agoraphobia. Did not leave my home for 2 years. I bankrupted our family because obviously I lost my job. We sold or had to have repo'd everything we owned of value. Family helped us keep our home thankfully. My daughter was living on her own at the time, and my son was sinking into addiction at the time. It was a total disaster. My daughter asked to come move home for a summer to save some money, we said of course. And it was her first real look and what her mother had become. And she wore her feelings on her sleeve, her distain for me, her embarassment at my behavior etc. I give her credit for trying to snap me out of it with tough love but that didn't work. When she left at the end of summer she was so disgusted with me she told me "Her mother was gone" she had no idea who i was anymore and vowed never to return. And she didn't for 3 yrs. We exchanged emails from time to time and I always reminded her she was loved. She threw it all back in my face, she was a very angry young woman. I thankfully was lead to alanon by the grace of God. I worked and still do work my program hard. When I thought I was ready I sent her my amends letter to her and again she threw it right back at me and did not accept it. There were no holidays or birthdays spent together and those days became very depressing to me. I had my wonderful husbands support always but it doesn't take the place of a child and he was hurting too. So I backed off just a little bit, kept emailing but not as frequent so she didn't get the idea I was trying to bribe or worm my way back into her live. This went on for 3 years and I had really lost both my children during that time. 1 with detachment without love and the other to addiction. I never ever would have made it through without the love, program and support of alanon. I got "me" back. Not the "me" i used to be but the one I was meant to be. And although things are FAR from perfect. I am ever so grateful for this program, the people here who nurtured me, cared about me when i didn't even care about me. I learned to turn my children over to my higher power (whom I call God) and work on taking care of and fixing my behaviors.And it is working beautifully. It taught me patience to wait for my daughter to return to the family of her own accord. Of course i always pray that HP watch over my children at all times and that "thy will be done". Unfortunately my beloved son continues his addiction but he too I must hand over to HP and pray for the best. In Dec my daughter extended an olive branch to reunite on neutral ground during the holiday. We met up and it was like old times. She didn't see the shell of a mother anymore she got to see for herself up close and personal how this program has chnged my life for the better. From there we started keeping in touch regularly and she has come back home for a dinner and we have been to her place for coffee. Our relationship continues to grow. It will never be what it was before but it is loving and careing. Could I have her live with me again? very unlikely. she is still leery and would be watching my every move and all my decisions would be made on pleasing her so i don't lose her again. I believe she knows that also. I am just ever so grateful to have her back in our lives. My son on the other hand I pray so very hard for that he stop torturing himself with his addiction and be the great person he was meant to be. But he too I must hand over to HP and hope for the best. Although an adult we have had to turn him out of the house. We don't abandon him, we keep in touch but I can't watch himself throw this young life away. So again Life is far from perfect but I take it one day at a time and hope for the best. I have seen my son OD several times, in jail several times and have had to let him live on the streets. It s most heartbreaking but he has to accept the consequenses of his behavior. I know your troubles with you daughter may not be as severe as the one I had. I tell you all this to remind you to put your faith in HP and let it play itself out. Wish you the best of luck Blessings
