The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I decided that I was going to help my church with service work before the fireworks display in our town. I really didn't think my soberA would want to go so I didn't ask him. This morning he said he wanted to help but then at the last minute he backed out. When i knew he wasn't going I was ok but when he said he would go I was surprised & excited he would want to participate. But i feel so upset he backed out. He even said he would probably not make it to meet me at the fireworks display. I feel rejected & unworthy. I'm so mad at him. It just makes me think he is probably going to meet up with the woman from FB. I need to face it he is cheating he hasn't acted like this since he was actively drinking & I don't know what my next step is??
I wish you could go to a meeting tonight because it really makes the difference. The reality is you aren't going to control what he does or who he does or what he does or doesn't do. It just is what it is and how do you take care of you in this situation.
As a side note .. RA's have character defects just like we do. If he's not addressing his stuff and not doing what he's needs to be doing then yes the behavior is still going to be there. Nothing changes and believe me nothing changes.
You guys really sound like you need some space and I encourage you to focus on you and stop obsessing about him. It has never worked for me .. worrying, wondering, anger and so on .. it's just one of those things of I get stuck in my own stinking thinking and it hurts bad. I don't hurt the other person I strictly hurt myself.
Hugs P :)
Keep coming back.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I forced myself to go help instead of staying in the house. I went and helped cuz it was the right thing to do not cuz I wanted to believe me i wanted to stay in isolation. I'm so obsessed with what he is doing who he is texting who he is messaging of FB. I've only got my soberA on my brain. I will go to meeting tomorrow. I made plans to keep busy today cuz i get so crazy in my thinking here in isolation at home.
I'm hoping you can get to meetings as well.... the obsession thing is so draining - all our energy goes onto absolutely useless stuff over things like the A, what he is doing, what he isn't doing, etc., etc...
The key with our recovery and regaining our sanity, is when we are able to re-focus our attention and efforts onto the one person we can do something about - ourselves.
Just a thought - you write about FB almost daily..... have you considered either deleting your account altogether, or (at least) unfriending your A and this lady?? It just seems to be keeping you totally focussed on them, and it is such a hard cycle to break...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I deleted FB last Friday I get upset when I see him on it. I'm meeting with a program friend for dinner until I can go to meeting tomorrow. Sometimes I feel so crazy when I'm obsessing over him. I feel like I'm out of control. It's an ugly feeling. Today I'm keeping busy with other things. All I can do is try to do for me for today which is very hard for me but I'm getting thru one hour at a time today.
I spent a lot of time fuming about where the ex A was all the time. Most of the time he was off doing drugs and drinking with his friends. I was so jealous I thought I was missing out. Now I know I was not missing out on anything at all but more heart ache.
Every single bank holiday no matter what my wishes were he took off and I felt absolutely desolated. I felt like it proved how unworthy I was. I wasn't really taking into account that his obession with drugs was what drove his desperate need to get high. His actions had nothing whatsoever to do with me.
When I started to detach things got much much better. The paradox was that I detached by not knowing. I kept reminding myself I did't know. I didn't know what he was doing, whether he would be killed that night driving like a maniac, arrested (he was many times and never told me), crash the car (he did that many times too.
Not knowing meant that I wasn't speculating what was he doing without me and what that meant to me. Not knowing meant that I could let go.
I made a huge point of not knowing when I eventually left the ex A. Of course there was times when I wanted to know. But everytime I got back on the bandwaggon of not knowing things got easier.
That is really the way I manage dealing with any alcoholic or addict. My younger sister is an alcoholic. She has two children. In the past I worried about the children and somehow felt that I needed to be responsible for them. I had to work on not knowing about that too. The inevitable part of it is that with an alcoholic if they don't recover they do end up messing up a lot of lives around them.
Keeping busy helped me a lot. I kept busy by making a plan be. What would my life be without the now ex alcoholic what did I need to take care of me. Of course at that time I had no idea but I worked on it anyway.
When I got a sponsor lots of things changed. One I was open to letting someone else into my shame and fear and two I stopped being so dependent on people who were undependable.
I'm glad you are here. Get the book Getting them Sober. Keep reaching out to people you can depend on. Maresie.
