The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am ready. I expect it. I know it's coming. I feel aweful saying that because love is supposed to believe the best, but the sickness endures. I'm not trying to be negative. He always says I'm negative, I say I'm realistic so I don't get dissapointed.
Hope for the best prepare for the worst.
On Sunday it was the 1st and time to pay the rent. We do our finances separate (praise the Lord he's not on my account... another story). I pay everything else and he pays the rent which is $600/month. This has always been the arrangement.
7 days before rent is due he has over $800 in his account, 1 day before rent is due he has $620. The day rent is due he has $540. So what is there to do when you are $60 short and it's due today. He has a side hobby/job of scrapping metal. So he goes to the scrap yard and earns $50 which means I still have to spot him $10.
In the car ride over to our landlords, he HAS to drink. HE JUST HAS TO. He'd already had a 6 pack and the liquor store is closed on Sundays so he NEEDS TO GO TO THE BAR AND GET A MIXED DRINK. It's like most people need food, he needs alcohol. He's begging me. I tell him I'm not giving him any money (even though I have $10 in my pocket). He says he's going to panhandle the money. He needs it. He says I'm trying to control him. I say he can do whatever he wants but I'm not giving him any money.
Eventually he chills out and goes to sleep. The next day, Monday, he is being so nice. Apologizes for being a jerk. THANKS ME for not giving him any money and admits he was "in the zone" and he's sorry for how he acted.
Tuesday he's nice too. Almost spookily normal! Like he stays home all night (he has no money yet, doesn't get paid until Friday). He's not his usual "you have problems", telling me everything wrong with me.
Well today it's Weds and the 4th of July, we're both off work, and he's going to the scrap yard so he will have money today. I know he will blow it all at the bar tonight. I am prepared. I hope I am wrong and can post tomorrow about how I stand corrected.
I am dissapointed because I don't have any plans tonight, no cook out or firework plans with anybody or anything like that! oh what to do with myself... bymyself.
The challenge - and we have all faced this - is how to get yourself better, so that you are not so deeply enmeshed in HIS disease, whether or not he binges or doesn't, etc., etc.... Your post is almost the "opposite of detachment" (which in my humble opinion, is called enmeshment). For me, I only truly started getting myself better & healthier when I was able to break this cycle, to stop being so wrapped up in what my A was or was not or was going to do.......
My wise old sponsor used to remind me - time and time again:
"She will either drink, or she won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Time to take all that effort, focus, and attention of him (who you clearly cannot change), and put it on the one person whom you can love unconditionally, AND effect change..... YOU!! :)
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
What I had to re-learn how to do was to "make plans"...
Do something nice for YOU tonight - doesn't matter if it is as simple as going for a walk in the park, or having a bubble bath, or reading a favorite (i.e. non-recovery) book.... Just something that you want to do....
My sponsor used to encourage me to do something nice for myself, each and every day... the whole concept seemed foreign to me, as I was too busy worrying and fretting about my AW.... Crazy thing is - my sponsor was right.... Slowly but surely, I started treating myself with more respect, tried loving myself as much as I loved others.... and my life slowly got better...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
What do I do when I don't have plans, but I wish I did? Here are some things that I do:
Last night, I looked in the on-line paper for the event announcements and saw what was going on for the fourth of July. I made a note of the "free" events and their locations. I plan to wander down to the free concert that starts tonight at 8 and to watch the fireworks at 10.
Yesterday, I did an inventory of the four spheres of my life. I do this often as a check-in with my self. I divide a paper into four squares for Physical, Mental, social, and spiritual and I write about how each was going for that day. Yesterday, when I realized, I didn't have anything for the physical column, I went to take a walk and to the gym. When I realized I hadn't been spiritual, I did a 10-minute meditation. I had done work (mental) and I had talked to friends on the phone (social).
I am also checking out the social networking site called "meetups" which is a listing of all the various groups in the area you live by interest (i.e. travel & adventure, sports, arts, etc.). If you live in an urban area, like I do, there are hundreds of fun groups to join. I will be joining the group that does regular hiking and I am also considering the group that speaks and practices German.
When I don't have plans, I often ask myself questions like: what would be satisfying today? Or, what am I really in the mood for? It may take me awhile, but once I have a list, I'm good to go. Then, I create a loose schedule. At 4 I will, at 5 I will, at 6 I will... The point of the schedule is to create a loose structure so that I stay focused on my intention to take good care of myself and really enjoy the time I have set up for myself. Otherwise, it's too easy to "wait" and "wait" and "wait" on the other person (to get sober, show up, ask me to do something, or whatever), and obsess, obsess, obsess, about the other person.
Those are all great ideas. I wish I had more self discipline to create for myself a "loose schedule". My Grandma does that since she's retired. Today, I am so thankful to have a job I go back to tomorrow so I have something to focus on!
In other news.. He did get some money today and he's going on a "bike ride". He swears up and down he's only going to have one and then come home... HAHAHA In good news though I found my cell phone charger so I can actually call or text some real-life people!
I hope you're having a wonderful night tonight. For me, I usually got to the movies or paint my toenails or sometimes I just go to bed early and decide that tomorrow will be a better day.
