"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

How do you know when it is time to leave?

Inawhirl · Member

Of course the answer is to go to Alanon meetings. Who am I to counsel you since we don't even know each other?

When I brouse these boards this question comes up again and again. There's even a thread by someone who left and is now in a good place.

I was lucky. I gave the uptimatum - maybe a bit differently than you did "I've looked at an apartment for the kids and me and I'm putting down a deposit and moving there the next time you drink." He quit, got in the program, and has been sober 12+ yr now. I would have left. But maybe I waited loo long. My kids really suffered. (I'm back here because of one of my kids - both early 20s - here because of the one not in the program, not becasue of the one in the program.)

Good luck

-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 4th of July 2012 10:33:28 AM

Eddie1248 · Member

Hello everyone. I am new here and have not yet attended a real Al-Anon meeting yet. I married my wife 11 years ago, and have two step-children. The first thing I noticed was that she liked to drink. Not often, but when she did it was binge drinking, until she passed out.

About our fourth year of marriage, her drinking had gotten progressively worse. She worked at a gas station, which closed around midnight. I would drop in after dark and help her finish up. Eventually, i found out that she had customers buy liquor for her and she would be drinking during her shift. Some nights she would even pass out after closing and I would have to finish her work for her.

One day, she just said she was finished letting alcohol control her life. She dumped out an entire bottle of vodka and that was it (at least for a few years). During this time, she came to the realization that she suffered from depression and began taking anti-depressants. They were mildly effective, but didn't cure it. She went back to school and got registered in the healthcare field.

Eventually, she started drinking again. She began by drinking a few wine coolers here and there. She proclaimed that she never wanted to actually be drunk again. Well, last summer everything changed. The kids went to spend 6 weeks out of state with their biological dad and that gave her a new found freedom to drink (as she never would drink in front of them). She got to the point that she was drinking about a fifth of vodka a day, seven days a week. She continally proclaimed that she would stop when the kids came home.

Her depression got worse and she would occationally state some passive suicidal thoughts. I got her in with a psychologist, but she stopped going after 3 visits. After the kids came back, the drinking improved slightly, but she had now started drinking in front of them, just hiding it.

This year has been the worst. First in Feburary, she got so drunk that she fell and hit her head. This sent her into a rage and she got violent with me and my step-son (16 yrs old). She began saying that she was going to kill herself and she attempted to take a handful of pills. I finally had no choice but to call 911. She was hospitalized over night and once she was sober, had no suicidal intentions, so they released her.

In April, she did it again. First she was fired for sending text messages and leaving drunk voice mails on a co-worker's cell phone. This gave her more time to drink. Three weeks later, she actually took an entire handful of pills and almost choked on them. I had to perform the heimlich maneuver. She was subdued for a while, but then began actually taking pills while I wasn't watching. I had to rush her to the ER, and call the police to have them force her to go in.

I finally put my foot down and said enough is enough. Me or the alcohol. Her response was to take her car to town, and get drunk in it. A woman called the police and she was arrested for public intoxication and resisting arrest. Now she is on probation for a year.

Well, this still wasn't enough to stop her. We are now having trouble paying our bills, our hospital charges are into the thousands, and she just keeps telling me that she doesn't want to drink but that it helps with the depression (even though, it doesn't). She has cut back to a time or two a week. She has gone to AA twice (even though she still says that she isn't an alcoholic and doesn't belong there)

I have talked, yelled, threatened, cried, begged, ignored (so she would eventually hit rock bottom), all to no avail. Tonight I came home to find her drinking. She was up until 3 AM, and then she finally passed out on the toilet. I am so frustrated, that I just don't know how much more I can take. The kids have both told me that they want me to move out, so that they can live with me while they finish school and they don't have to be around this.

I guess my question is: how can I continue in my marriage under these conditions. I mean, when she is not drinking... we have the best relationship. She is truly my best friend and we get along famously. When she is drinking... she is polar opposite. I can't stand her. What's more is that as she rockets to rock bottom, she is taking me with her. My credit is beginning to suffer due to our lack of money... my work is beginning to suffer as I have a hard time concentrating at work. I know Al-Anon can help, but at this point... how do I know that I can even stay in my marriage, when it is like this?

I apologize for such a long post. Thank you for any thoughts and suggestions you might have.

Smukke · Veteran Member

Hi Eddie,

I know you know that we are going to recommend you to go to face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. One thing I learned during my first meeting that I am going there for me, not for my boyfriend. Even if I broke up with him, I still would want to continue working on my recovery. It seems so clear that the alcohol drinking, and pill swallowing in the case of your wife, is the only problem. I am telling you, mostly it isn't. Alcoholism is a family illness and families and friends often need help as well.

Now, after a few months in Al-Anon I am still trying to understand the story of my childhood and my family. The thing is, we thought that once my Mom moved out, the problem would be gone. We felt relieved at that point, but this was an illusion. Today I am so much angrier with my Dad, because he blamed my Mom and because he was so codependent.

You are doing your best for your wife, your kids and yourself. Please try to go to a few Al-Anon meetings anyway, even if it is too late for the marriage. Get some Al-Anon and other books to read. Maybe you can postpone a decision to stay together or brake up until you have worked the programme for 6 months, as a fellow member recommended me.

Things are so hard for you right now. I wish you and your family all the best.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Eddie!

I was married to an A for almost 30 years. He had long periods of sobriety, but never really worked a recovery program.

I rode the fence for YEARS. (should I stay? should I go?) I took my vows seriously...and I did not want to break up our family. I held on longer than I should have, perhaps.

For me, there was a moment when I absolutely KNEW what I had to do, after years of not being sure. All of a sudden I had absolute clarity (HP?, don't know)

My Dad says "If you can't decide what to do, then it's not time to decide." For me, that is absolutely true. All I can say is there came a time (for me) when there was no longer a question about whether it was time to leave.

God be with you as you weather the storm of alcoholism. Sending you strength...

Keep coming back.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Al-anon helped me to get clarity in many ways on most things and I have a new outlook. I am hoping you can take care of you and call the number under my signature here and find local meetings. You are in a hard spot for sure and I am glad you found us at MIP. I am sending you love and support!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so glad you have found us. You ask, "how do I know that I can even stay in my marriage, when it is like this?" The short answer is that you don't have to stay in your marriage -- you have a choice at all points. Al-Anon offers tools to live with the alcoholic still in your life or without, so you will be freer to make a free choice. I encourage you to find a good meeting (they say to try six, as they're all different) and work on your own recovery. Alcoholism sucks everyone around it into insanity until it's hard to know whether we're thinking straight. Our own recovery helps us get perspective and balance again.

Al-Anon has the Three C's: You didn't Cause it (alcoholism), you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. It sounds as if you've seen the truth of these already. And sadly ultimatums such as "Choose me or the alcohol" do not work, as most of us have found out already. What we can do is draw boundaries, which are for our own protection rather than to control the alcoholic. So, for instance, you might say, "If you continue to drink, I will have to...." But it's good to do some hard thinking and recovery before drawing big boundaries, as choosing them and enforcing them (which is essential for them to mean anything) takes practice and wisdom.

The question I wish someone had asked me early on is, "What would you choose to do if you knew that your alcoholic were going to remain just the same?" Because without an earnest desire to go into recovery (which we can't give them), the odds are overwhelming that things will stay the same. I was always waiting for the magic switch which would make my alcoholic see the light and change. The magic switch didn't come, but I spent many miserable chaotic years waiting for it. I wish I hadn't waited years to start making my life happy. How exactly that happy life would look will be different for each of us. But do start your own recovery now! I hope you'll keep coming back.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome , please find meetings for yourself you need support , in our program we encourage you to go to as many meetings as you can , dont make any life altering decissions for at least 6 months , with the help of the program you can then make a decission with a clearer head and an understanding of the disease your dealing with . There is nothing you can do about her but alot u can do for yourself , get the focus back on you and allow her the dignity to do her life the way she chooses . Detach with love & remember you do not have to go down with her , on the message board there is a site called Alateen * at the top of the board * it is safe and the only approved site for teens living with alcoholism , there are several meetings listed on this site all diff time zones so kids can attend a meeting almost every nite , the sponsors are Al-Anon members they will meet other teens who will share thier own recovery . Louise

-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 4th of July 2012 01:58:18 PM

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry for what you are going through, addiction and depression and mental illnesses all seem to go hand in hand and they can wreak havoc on a family. Those children are trying to tell you something. AlaTeen is for the kids and they may appreciate it if you make the effort to find both Al Anon and Alateen meetings. You have been through so much and it is a reminder to all of us that every alcoholic's bottom is different.

You asked about knowing when to end things. That's a tough one and only you can answer it. As Rehprof said above, she sat on the fence for years. And, that's where I am right now. For me, it's not just about the alcohol, it's about ALL of it related to him: the selfish behavior, the driving on a suspended license and taking risks that are unnecessary while risking the family's security, the personality issues like being sarcastic and racist and just mean about humanity, the depression, the suicidal ideations, and how he really doesn't care about what kind of example he is setting for our 13 year old son. It's madness and yet I still stay married because sometimes I see the good man that I married 17 years ago. Our marriage is hanging on by a thin thread these days and he thinks that I must be having an affair because he's not getting 'any', he doesn't even see that his behaviors make him unappealing to me and that I am tired of having sex with someone who breaks the law and just does what he wants when he wants. There's nothing sexy about lawlessness or getting a DUI, either(which he did a few months ago). I am taking care of me and then taking care of our son these days and I am working very hard at detaching from him. Al Anon is helping me do this. I hope you can find a meeting where you can get some support.

canadianguy · by **toby** » Sat Oct 02, 2010 6:43 am

Hi Eddie... welcome to MIP, and glad you found us..... wow, your story is eerily identical to mine - you could honestly just substitute "Tom" in wherever your name came up, and the story is literally the same.... My story has somewhat of a happy ending, I suppose.... my AW is now over ten years sober, and has returned to being a very good Mom to our kids, which is a huge victory..... Unfortunately, our marriage didn't make it, but overall - her sobriety is more important.

The best initial advice I could give you is two-fold.... Read "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews... that book literally saved my sanity, and got me on the path to MY recovery. Secondly, I really hope you choose Al-Anon, to help you deal with the 1001 feelings/emotions that you are feeling dragged through each & every day.....

I've copied an old post of mine on detachment (written by Toby), as it is the best I have ever read on the subject....

I wish you well, and hope you keep coming back

Tom

Okay, so what CAN we do??	Reply Quote More Edit Post Delete Post Ban IP Report Spam

Hi folks... lots of great stuff on the board these days, particularly around detachment, enabling, and people genuinely wondering what exactly we CAN do, in order to help our A's find the light, to some extent. The "Getting Them Sober" book series can help answer a lot of these questions, as there are definitely some things we can do to help pave the way for sobriety to take place.... This is in no way conflicting with the three C's - ultimately it is still their recovery, but there are a few things we can do, as outlined below. I found a recent post that was very helpful, and hope it will do some good here as well. The following is reprinted, with permission, from Toby's website. Take care Tom "" How does 'detachment' work? Can one help the alcoholic and still be emotionally detached from his disease? And what if one feels stuck... like nothing will work? The following will help ........ "July, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month" (from the www.GettingThemSober.com website) copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books a. The hundreds of practical suggestions for things to do ---- that are detailed in the "Getting Them Sober" books ----- set the tone for the alcoholic to have the best chance to choose sobriety. **How does that process work? The process of learning 'detachment' ------ which is learning how to get a "clinical distance" from his alcoholism ---- i.e., learning how to give the effects of his disease, a very wide berth so that WE don't feel the effects of the disease on US ----- is of course first to help the family keep//retain//re-gain its sane way of life before the alcoholism. But-------it is also for the alcoholic. When the family to learns to emotionally detach from the effects of his alcoholism---- that gives the consequences of the disease back to the alcoholic. And then when he realizes that others-----his family----are no longer accepting the results of his disease by worrying, pleading, begging, etc.......... then he 'stands alone' with his disease. It is then that the alcoholic has the best chance to want to get sober. Because he-------not the family member anymore-----is feeling the full consequences of his disease. And that's when he often gets scared and surrenders to getting help. b. I have been attending open-to-the-public meetings of Al-Anon and all the other 12-step programs for over 42 years, as a health professional. And I have personally seen countless members of Al-Anon report that THE DAY that they no longer worried about what he was going to do------the DAY that he was entirely given back his disease------he asked for help and got and stayed sober. And so many times---- in the day or few days before that happened------ the spouse said, "He'll NEVER get it!" c. What about family interventions? 99% of them only work if you have leverage. "Leverage" means that you have something that the alcoholic wants----or does not want----- that has the power (in his mind) to make him seriously happy or unhappy-----and that you use that power//that leverage-----to give the alcoholic an ultimatum------'get sober or else'----- and if that ultimatum means enough to the alcoholic, then he gets help. That is why successful interventions are mostly accomplished by the courts, or by the job. Unfortunately, the family often does not have the leverage. And------the family is usually understandably too scared to do an intervention. *** But-------learning how to detach------ i.e., learning how to give the disease back to him-------i.e., letting him, not you, much more feel the consequences of his drinking------ doing those actions creates "mini-interventions"-----but without you having to give the alcoholic an ultimatum! * These daily ways we learn to 'detach'------ to get peace and let HIM suffer the consequences, not us-------- we are doing "non-ultimatum-giving MINI-INTERVENTIONS". The "Getting Them Sober" books are full of hundreds of practical, very do-able and effective ways to do those mini-interventions-------i.e., set the tone so that we get "clinical distance" from his junk // we finally get peace -----AND at the same time, create "mini-interventions' so that the alcoholic has a better chance to choose sobriety. d. Thousands of people write//call me and say they "did what the books said" ----and then he got sober. (I get calls from women all over the world who secretly meet in small groups to discuss the "Getting Them Sober" books, and hide them under their mattresses-------who report to me that (on an average) half of their husbands got sober within a few months. The women who contact me range everywhere from small towns in Poland -----to Washington, D.C., where women live who feel that they cannot go to Al-Anon, because of their husbands' "high profiles".) d. * Al-Anon talks about the "3 c's-- (Al-Anon says that 'one cannot cure, control, or cause alcoholism")-------- ** So----- how does one help the alcoholic to want to choose sobriety if one "cannot cure, control, or cause alcoholism"? a. Alcoholism is a disease----not just "a behavioral choice". No spouse of an alcoholic can 'cure' her alcoholic's disease of alcoholism. * But-----the disease CAN be 'arrested' (stopped from progressing) one day at a time--- with recovery! Can the alcoholic 'control' his drinking? No. With every drink, the alcoholic's disease progresses forward. But----- all that means is that he must be totally abstinent------THAT is what stops the disease in its tracks (i.e., arrests the disease's progress, one day at a time). The disease progresses forward no matter how much or how often the alcoholic still drinks. So-------there is no 'control' over the alcoholic's drinking...as long as he still continues to drink at all. * And can the spouse 'control' him to stop him from drinking? Not 'control'------but there are sooo many things that the spouse can learn to do that are in essence, 'mini interventions' that help "box the alcoholic in"-----so that he will have the best chance to want to get help. e. So, can alcoholism be 'cured'? No-------but it can be stopped in its tracks. That is what sobriety is all about------ when the alcoholic gets help and stops the drinking entirely ------- the recovery begins and the healing process starts. The recovery rate in A.A. is 75% ...the highest rate of any program .... what a huge amount of hope! Re: What CAN I do to help?! ------ "mini-interventions" by toby » Sat Oct 02, 2010 6:43 am When one feels 'stuck' and feels that there is nothing one can do to help with the situation in the home ------- remember that there ARE things one can do to help------ These 'mini-interventions' are ways to emotionally detach--------and they not only help us to heal-------but it's important to really realize that they are ALSO ways to accomplish "the cheese stands alone''..i.e., 'boxing the alcoholic in'' so that he has a much better chance to crumple and ask for help. When we don't fully try doing them, we often then say, 'this does not work'. When we go back and forth with saying what we mean, and then not meaning it..... of course it doesn't work! The alcoholic has radar--------he KNOWS when we've crossed that line and we won't go back to the way we were. He KNOWS when he can no longer get away with what he got away with before. When we feel that he holds all the cards....... when we feel that there is no way that we can make it without him....... he knows that he's ''got us''. And therefore doesn't have to really listen to us. But when we internalize what oldtimers in Al=Anon always said----------i.e., "you've got to want this program more than you want ANYTHING (i.e., you have to want to heal more than you want to stay in the relationship.)''--------- then, he has lost his power over you. IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. BUT YOU FINALLY GET TO THE POINT THAT HE IS NOT ANY LONGER YOUR TIN-GOD...I.E., YOU GET TO THE POINT WHERE YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN, IF YOU CHOOSE TO, LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP AND THAT YOU WILL SURVIVE AND HEAL. THAT HE IS NO LONGER YOUR 'GOD'...YOUR 'GLUE' THAT HOLDS YOU TOGETHER. HE HAS BECOME RIGHT-SIZED. And when you know it-----------he knows it. You do not have to say it. In fact, it's better when you do not say it. When you stop the talking about 'it'-------and just 'do' the actions----- he WILL know it--------his alcoholic radar will pick up your healing and he'll know that he no longer can get away with what he got away with before. Because, before------- he could get away with it all because he knew that THE BOTTOM LINE is that he could do anything because you are afraid to lose him. And when they realize that you no longer are terrified of that-------- they lose their power over you. Most of the time, the paradox is, you don't have to lose the relationship for you to heal and for him to lose his power over you----------- he just has to realize that down deep, you are no longer terrified to lose him. It will go without saying. And that is a much more powerful way for it to happen........without words. You just finally realize, down deep, that he is not the ''Glue'' that holds you together......... emotionally, financially, any way. He is just another of the 4 billion people on earth. toby

Eddie1248 · Member

Thank you all for all of your caring and sharing. I sat here with tears in my eyes while I read this. All of this used to be a secret that only I knew, until her first time in the hospital... then the cat was out of the bag. So I have had all my family and hers to talk about this with, but that is no replacement for people who have walked the same path.

I have talked with the woman who runs the local Al-Anon meetings here in town, several times. I understand a little about the program and how the meetings are conducted. The problem that always arises is that when I get ready to go, it gives her a reason to bargain. She will say, "I haven't drank in 4 days - I'm clearly not an alcoholic" or "I'm not going to drink tonight, so let's just relax and have a good night together". And I take the bait, trading help that could be life changing, for the solace of one peaceful worry-free night. I know that is the wrong thing to do, and finding this forum is my first baby-step into the direction of actually putting myself first and taking care of me.

I guess in the back of my mind, I have just been waiting for her to have that same epiphany that she had all those years ago and just pour it out again and claim victory over it. But, I know that even if it did happen... without the proper support system, the alcoholism would just come back all over again. That leads me to ponder on what is hardest about loving someone with alcoholism... worrying while they are drinking, or worrying that they will start again, during a time they are sober. At the end of the day, it is all just different forms of worrying. That is why I know that I need help to take control of my life back and I know that Al-Anon will help, so I will begin going next Tuesday (they only meet on Tuesday nights).

Thank you all for your love and support and Tom, thanks for posting the info on Toby Rice Drews. I've already been to her website (http://www.gettingthemsober.com/) and started reading some of the materials there. I will try to continue to do this until the first Al-Anon meeting.

Thanks again,
Eddie

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

I can relate to the absolute chaos you are experiencing. One thing I'd like to share is the " three A's": Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Awareness came to me when I prayed only for knowledge of Gods ( or higher powers) will and the courage to follow his will. I prayed on that for weeks and let me tell you my eyes were opened in ways you wouldn't believe! I found out a whole lot about what was going on with my A. That led to acceptance. To turn a blind eye would never do. I love myself too much and know I deserve better. I had to accept that things were the way they were even if I don't want them that way! And im not crazy. What was crazy was my A trying to pull the wool over my eyes and me letting him do it for so long. Because I thought there would be no greater pain in life than having my marriage fail. But it already was a failure. Then I ha to take action to get myself and my children out of a terrible situation living with an A who is also a drug addict causing craziness everyday! I packed up my car and drove to another state, back to our home. I knew it was Gods will because I have never felt a " get out of here! " feeling like I had in all my life. And guess what. It feels better without him. Much better!! Sure it sucks that things couldn't have been different but that's reality. And I have to live in reality. Not what if and maybe things will change. I am relying on my higher power now. Not my alcoholic drug addict husband.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Eddie, you've already taken a few first steps and it all takes time. One thing I want to say about the meetings, though, is that they are about you not about her. When she tries to get you to stay home and say "I'm clearly not an alcoholic", you have to remind yourself that that's not what it's about. Al Anon meetings are for people who are having trouble dealing with another person's alcohol abuse or drug abuse. My dad could probably not be labeled an alcoholic either but the things he did and said while drunk hurt me to my core. I became codependent without realizing it and then married someone else who struggles with binge drinking, etc. Honestly, I'm not sure he's a true alcoholic either, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that I have become codependent and I am the one who needs help and support from those meetings. My AH was NOT supportive of me going to meetings, he always picked my meeting nights to tie one on. It was on a meeting night that he got his DUI. It was like his own little rebellion against me going to Al Anon but I never stopped going. I've been going to meetings since January and even now on vacation I am finding meetings to attend. That's how valuable they have become to me. If you can get to a meeting, regardless of how she tries to talk you into staying home, I think you will more peace and comfort there than you ever imagined.

Eddie1248 · Member

Thanks guys, I will keep coming back. I just had to make a very hard decision. A few weeks ago, I told my AW that I was no longer buying her any liquor, nor taking her to the store. Tonight, after drinking some vodka (I don't know how much, but she smelled like it), she asked me to take her and begged me. I, very nicely, explained to her that I couldn't. I wasn't mad or upset, but that I couldn't do that. She got her keys and went to the liquor store in her pajamas. I told her before she left that it was a poor decision and that she could wreck or end up in jail, but I let her do what she was going to do. It is hard, but I believe that was the best and only choice I could have made.

-- Edited by Eddie1248 on Thursday 5th of July 2012 08:00:05 PM

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

There are meetings here twice a day which don't constitute leaving the house. I know I have found this board more than helpful. You can find a sponsor here if you want one.

Working an al anon program is often thought to be about how do you live with an alcoholic. The issue for me was and always will be how do I live with myself irrespective of the alcoholic.

There are people on this board who stayed and those who left. I don't think either is the happy ending all of us crave. But nothing I can do is ever going to get an alcoholic to stop drinking. I finally got something about the craving when I read the book 9 days by Nick Clegg. The obession with alcohol is complete and denial is total.

I did learn to stop feeling the consequences of the alcoholic drinking. I also learned how to deal with alcohlics and other people in my life. Is my life easy far from it but it is a lot easier using the tools al anon has given me.

Self care was very difficult for me in the midst of the chaos I endured aorund alcoholics. Now self care is the central pillar of my life. Every day I work on ways to take care of myself. I shifted the focus of my life from the alcoholic right to myself. I do that exclusively when I am around an alcoholic who craves so much attention. I absolutely focus on myself and don't get pulled into their stuff. Is that easy? Nope but it works.

I'm glad you are here. No one here is going to lecture you, tell you what to do or point you in a direction they feel you need to go in. But they all have "suggestions" and you can certainly read your story here day and day out. You can also see and learn how other people have worked their recovery. We are all recovering we are never recovered.

Glad to meet you.

Maresie.

Oksie · Senior Member

When I first came here, a year ago.... I was wonderig if I should stay or leave my husband.

I came here for answers, and peoples opinions... what I found was a place to share and learn and live... FOR ME. Not what I expected at all.

No one told me whether to stay or go specifically. People gave me their ESH and I had enough insight to know to sit and listen and question and read. I hated some things that were said to me, and loved others. I 'listned' to them all.

What I appreciated most, was the support I recieved in my decision to stay in my marriage. No one said... "well.. more fool you"!!! I didn't feel judged or reprimanded or pitied.

I received more ESH.

This place saved my marriage and gave me a sense of serenity back for me.

My husband doesn't know I am here. I am here for ME, not him. This stuff is for MY life, not his. I put a few things into play for support for myself at the same time. I also have a psychologist I see for ME. I started out here because of him... and I realised it ws me that needed my help.

Welcome and the people here will give you lots of ideas to ponder.

Eddie1248 · Member

For now, I have decided to stick it out with her, and at the same time go to Al Anon meetings. I know that this next 4 days is going to be difficult because I am going to be really needing Al Anon's help. I fully believe, and all of your suggestions further implied, that I need that first before making a life changing decision... so that is what I'm going to do. My current tact will be to just try to not let her drinking bother me and act as normal as possible, while doing the things that I enjoy. I have accepted that she is the one who has to suffer from the consequences of her drinking.

The only part that I have a hard time with... is the constant worry that she will hurt herself (either intentionally or unintentionally). How do you come to grips with that fear? I mean the other night I was on my way home and she didn't answer either the house or cell phone. I sped home, while all of these horrible possibilities ran through my mind. Of course, I got home and everything was fine, but it is such mental torture!

Having said all that, I want to once again say a big thank you to each and everyone of you for yours posts. Each one meant so much and i appreciate everything you guys said and shared. Thank you for making me feel so welcome!

Eddie

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Having lived through that same nightmare - literally having no idea what I was coming home to each and every night - I came to the conclusion that there are not a lot of great tools to help, as it is definitely chaotic and scary....

One thing I did learn/accept/embrace, some months later - was the power and freedom that comes with fully accepting Step One. I used to look at Step One as a weakness - i.e. I am powerless..... but once you really delve into it, Step One is both very freeing AND empowering to us..... I am NOT responsible for their behaviors, no matter what..... Similarly the three C's are empowering as well..... if I didn't cause it, can't cure it, nor control it..... it only stands to reason that I am NOT responsible for it...

The reality of your situation, as it was with mine, and so many others on here..... is your AW may, indeed hurt herself (or get drunk, or get sober, or a great many of other options) - regardless of your involvement.....

Keep coming back, and kudos for trying the meetings.... a good rule of thumb is try it for six meetings, and then you can reassess.....

Tom

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Eddie, your well crafted posts are so very insightful. They tell me that you are going to be just fine. As the others have said, it does take time...a lot of time; but trudging along one foot in front of the other, continuously going forward, will get you to your goal.

I also worry whether my A will hurt someone or himself; whether he will manage to live through the ravages of the next binge. But there is little I can do to insure his safety, so I gently place him in the hands of his HP, and let it go.

Keep coming back here. And as CanadianGuy said, give yourself six meetings, and go from there.

I wish you all good things,

Dia

Oksie · Senior Member

Step one is a great place to start.
I found the slogans very very helpful also.

Live and let live
Let go and let (HP) God
This too shall pass
QTIP was a great one for me... did me wonders.. Quit Taking It Personally

Setting my own boundaries and limits was hard, but it worked.

tortuga · Senior Member

Thank you all for sharing this here.... especially Eddie and canadianguy, I am new here, and until now was thinking that I slowly go insane in front of this huge mountain, nowadays the situation seemed so powerless with my boyfriend, but now I don't feel so alone in this, and the experiences you are talking about show me that little things can be done.....it isn't complete powerless then.
Thanks a lot and I will try to attend some meetings online at least, since where I live i can't access any different. But it's time to change... and it's gonna be a long process.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Re: What CAN I do to help?! ------ "mini-interventions"

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"