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We had fought during the day but by the afternoon all had been calm. He called me said he would be home in a bit well it already 1 in the morning. I tried calling him but his phone is off. I feel scared like maybe he went to go drink or he is with the woman from FB idk what to think. Whatever his reason I know its not going to be good cuz he never stays out this late.
I've been there before. I've been out looking, too. The mix of panic, hurt and anger was overwhelming. There is nothing you can right now for him, but what can you do right now for you? Sending my love.
Chaya
As soon as i posted on here a program friend called me....that's my HP. I called him right now & his phone was on he answered & said he was on his way. Just cuz he said it doesn't mean its going to happen. I am praying that i stay calm when he arrives & not yell at him. We need to have a serious discussion but I don't think right now is the time. HP will let me know when the time is right.
I know the feeling! It used to bother me so much, I'd lose sleep staying up worrying. Then I was able to "accept the things I cannot change". Instead of staying up being angry I was able to go to bed by myself, put my cell phone on "alarm only" and go to sleep. That way I wouldn't be woken up by butt dials or blank texts. If I woke up myself (like in the morning), I could check if he had called or texted and it was on my terms.
Based on your post, I take it this is new behavior for him? Mine was a drinker for years before he started staying out all night.
When he was active & he would go out on binges I would stay up and wait sometimes missing work the next day cuz i wanted to be their when he got home. But he has been sober for a few years now. We did separate but we have been together for about a year now. But his behavior lately is crazy. Idk if he is drinking or if he is cheating. With a woman he dated while we were separated and she is always posting & liking everything on his FB page. He came in about an hour after the call. We didn't talk just went to sleep.
Drinking or cheating amount to the same thing. Its our denial about the disease. Drinking is acceptable to us but cheating is not. If he is cheating then we are really done. But if he is out on a binge only, were relieved its not a woman.
We have to get that drinking is their mistress, there isnt anything else they would rather be doing. Women are secondary. When drinking they forget what time it is , where they are at, what they are doing. Drinking is the driving force. It fools us every time...
We have to stop obsessing over them. I was the worst offender. My heart would not beat normally until he was home. From practicing Alanon, I was able to roll over and sleep when he was gone .
Oh he's really teaching you a lesson isn't he? If you don't start shaping up he just won't come home. Been there!!! This crap will drive you nuts and it sounds like its only the beginning. Itis a power struggle on his part and it's disrespectful to you. He's saying you better act the way he wants ( don't bring up anything, say anything, basically don't be a normal human being who will question the alcoholism) or he will remove his awesome self from your presence. It's all B. S. and it's terrible. I don't know how to stay in it and make it work and be ok. I had to leave my situation. Some people may be able to detach but I couldn't live with the disrespect.
I went through this so many times. I made myself sick worrying and wondering. The ex A could play into my own abandonment issues so well. He revelled in that I was distraught whenever he did this.
I can't tell you detachment is easy. Detaching in a situation like this is like lifting a 300 lb weight. I could do it for about 3 seconds. Now I detach day in day out but it didn't work for me in the beginning.
Know that there is a chat room here you can go to anytime. There are people there who understand.
In my experience with the A and I was with him a very long time. I use to think he was punishing me or it had to do with me, his never coming home and staying out . I learned because I asked the Alcoholic about it many years later, he had no plans , ever. The compulsion here was just to drink anywhere and anytime he wanted. I dont ever think they say, I need to get back at my wife or husband, I need to make them suffer. I dont think the alcoholic thinks on those terms.
The alcoholic is so selfish, its all about their needs first. They have to feed their addiction at any cost. Sad thing is we as the spouses are never even considered. Which in a way is even more degrading.
My opinion and this is only my opinion. Us nice people who are nurturing and kind make the worst choices when it comes to picking a partner. We have no business being with addicts, there a different breed and thats not meant in a malicious way. We are the sober ones and we have the abililty to make the right decisions for our life, they dont have that privledge.
"He's saying you better act the way he wants ( don't bring up anything, say anything, basically don't be a normal human being who will question the alcoholism) or he will remove his awesome self from your presence.".....this is exactly what he says to just leave everything alone & all will be ok. When we fight he always threatens to leave or tells me to leave or says he wants a divorce. As I've read everyone's comments the one thing that is repetitive is detach from him & his crazy behavior. All it does is make me crazy I don't want to be crazy anymore. I've done a good job today by just keeping busy & making dinner plans with program friend. It's just one hour at a time its all i can handle.
