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This has been a rough day. He drank again, I met crazy in the form of reeking of booze, receipt in my hand with date and item purchased and him going "I didn't buy it, I didn't drink anything, I'm not drunk"
I took him to ER for his back (been injured 3 days) they released him and I tried to drop him off at detox. He wouldn't go. He managed to get his injured butt to a hotel.
This is hard, had I not had this place to come to and learn I don't think I could have done this and stuck to it. He's tried every trick I've heard here including accusing me of making choices for him as I drove him to detox.
I'm scared for him. The last time he went to a hotel he ended up with BAL of 4.0, they told him next time it will probably kill him. I'm just going to pray a lot.
I have to take him his other medication and his stuff. He's going back and forth between telling me he can stop this on his own and how sorry he is, and then telling me I should bring him here to get his car....!
Ok just needed to get that out. And I had to have a talk with my kids, they understood and I just made sure they understood they come first, and that I will not allow him in my house around them unless he's sober. And really right now I have to decide if I can have him in my life at all.
It's so hard. It sounds as if you have awesome boundaries. And even if he never stops, I think otherwise we always think, "What if I had really enforced my boundaries? What if I had given him the best possible chance of experiencing the consequences?" Sounds like that's what you're doing. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
Thank you both. It's like going from zero to 90 in one day. I packed some of his stuff that's been at my house up to take to him. I texted him "where can I bring it" and he said the motel where he was. I showed up, he was fall down drunk, walked out the door of his room and couldn't find it again, took 15 minutes. I dropped his stuff off and he had the puppy dog look and was like "what do you want me to do?" I said "make a good decision right now, your disease is lying to you and using your ego, it's telling you that you don't need detox or help and that you can do this on your own. I'm telling you you need help because I think when I walk away I may never see you again". He was quiet and then goes "I can do this myself" and I said "who do you think is telling you the truth, me or that disease?" And he put his head down and said "you" and I said "I am giving you one last offer to take you to detox but you have to decide". He got in my car and I took him to the VA ER, by the time I got there I was seriously concerned he was going to pass out in my car. He's a big dude, 6'2" and about 275. He's there right now. At least I can sleep tonight without wondering if he'll be alive tomorrow.
I hope they check him into detox and he goes. But that's his decision to make. All I can do is pray but right now the boundaries are keeping me sane. All his questions about "us" were met with "that discussion will happen when you are sober". What a sad, dreaded, horrendous disease. I hate this disease and what it is capable of. I am so sad for him. Sad for me that I finally met the monster face to face in it's entirety.
Tomorrow after some errands and packing, the kids and I will be with family tomorrow night and Thursday. I'm thankful for that. We'll have fun.
Sounds like you made some good, but hard desisions in the midst of it. I am glad you can now focus on yourself and the kids. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
HUGS HUGS HUGS .. I truly admire you for the program you work once again what an amazing program in doing first thing first and the next right thing. I can not imagine the pain and how hard the reality of your situation is with him. Sending you sooooo much love and support. Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Again, nothing but huge thanks for everyone here. I am so thankful for the concept of "no need to make a decision right now". That is a HUGE concept that is getting me through today. I called the detox center, he's not there yet. His VA friend who runs it was very sad to hear, he said if he hadn't been transferred yet, it means he was very bad off. I'm dropping his items off at detox. His car is at my house but not running, he says the battery died, I'm waiting to hear what the sober him says. I took the key to my house from him, I'm not providing a flop house which with me gone today and tomorrow I think would have been a high risk if for some reason he is discharged or does not go to detox. The guys there say I did all the right things, I feel that way too thankfully.
At one point last night on the phone before I picked him up, he started with the lies again and I said to him very firmly "stop talking. You will never attempt to make me second guess myself again or treat me as if I'm stupid and will fall for your diseased lying. So just stop talking now because you aren't convincing me of anything". He just sighed.
I think the only hurdle I'm currently addressing in myself is my own diseased thinking. I consciously let him decide if he felt he could handle camping with people who drink. It failed and part of me is TRYING to pull the "you should have known better" and "your instincts were right why didn't you just tell him no" and "if you didn't even mention the camping trip this never would have happened'. I KNOW all of that is my disease. Thankfully I know it. But it still is doing its best to convince me right now and I just keep saying "thank you for your input" and waiting for it to subside.
You guys are great, I'm packed and ready to head out of town. I cannot wait to be surrounded by my family, good food, good music (live by friends!) and a much needed break from my visit with insanity. I feel strong. I am so thankful I found this place.
