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I'm not sure if I belong here, I grew up in AA and Al-Anon Meetings and coming here just seemed natural.
Anyways, I grew up with an alcoholic father for most of my life, he was sober for about ten years, and relapsed about 6 years ago when I was eighteen. He has been struggling ever since but he is sober again for about a year now.
My dad isn't the problem, I am.
I do not drink, smoke, do drugs, anything. I have tried to personally distance myelf from those things my whole life and so have my sisters and mother. I have never really had a problem being around normal peole who drink, I just choose not to. I have bought drinks for my friends and DD'd for them, helped host parties, etc; I know other people can drink and be okay.
I was okay with until her, my girlfriend, I had known her for several years and I knew she drank moderatley, like most people do. I didn't have a problem with it, I actually liked it it made her a little flirty. But when we started to date, it started to bother me. I trust her I know she doesn't drink to excess, but it bothers me, I still don't know why.
She had offered to stop drinking, for me. I turned her down because I knew she didn't want to, I didn't want to make her. I wanted her to want to stop drinking. Last night we really got into and I told her I knew she wouldn't give up drinking and she agreed. She said she wasn't ready and she didn't know if she loved me enough to give it up. I don't know that I love her enough to accept her drinking, even though it is very moderate.
I have considered starting to drink, I'm very responsible and succesful. I feel very confident I would not develop a drinking problem. But alcoholism runs deep in my family, my father, my uncles, my cousins and second cousind, my Great-grandfather and his brothers on my fathers side. My mothers grandfather, an aunt, many of my cousins. Alcohol isn't the only problem drug abuse is also involved in almost all of these cases as well.
I fear alcohol and I think drinking would help me get over this, but it would also damage my relationship with my mother and sisters. I would talk to my mom about this, but she doesn't like my girlfirend and she told me not to date her because she drank. I'm not ready to hear I told you so.
I'm sorry this is so long and if any of you made it through, thanks. I don't really know what I'm looking for, advice, understanding, I dont know. Maybe I just needed to vent.
In reading your post, I think you almost belong in "both" places, at least in answer to your questions....
The fact that other people's drinking has affected you (your father, many relatives, your g/f) certainly qualifies you for Al-Anon....
The questions around your personal drinking - your feeling that drinking will overcome your fear of alcohol, etc - those ones are much more aligned with the AA side of the world.
Hope that makes some sense....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I, too, grew up in an alcholic home. My father is the A, and his periods of sobriety have been brief, far, and few between. I, too, have MANY relatives on both sides of the family that drink + drug.
Because I have seen the havoc drinking + drugs can wreck, I choose not to drink or drug myself. Becoming an alcholic is not something that I believe I can "control" if I am gentically marked for alcholism. I don't know if I am or not, but I don't intend to find out. I believe that if I were to start drinking socially by the time I figured out I was an alcholic, it would be too late/hard to stop it. So, I choose not to drink. Better to avoid the fire than to have to salvage a burning house.
For those of us who have grown up with the consequences of someone else's drinking, the fear of others' drinking, especially those most close to us is completely normal. Of course we have fear, we have seen how much damage drinking can do! For me (and I am not saying this should be your decision, just what my decision is), although I can be around friends, etc. while they are drinking (all of my friends are moderate drinkers), I have decided that in romantic relationships I want to be with someone who drinks no more than 1-2 drinks a year or preferably never. I made this decision because many causaul drinkers who drink regularly have alchol in the home or maintain a home bar and I know for sure I don't want that. I want an alcohol free home and I plan to have an alchol free wedding some day.
It's taken me a long time to get comfortable with my own decisions. Coming to Alanon has helped me make the best decisions for me.
There is nothing wrong with your decision to not drink. Because you are genetically disposed to the disease, you may well be saving your own life! Every alcholic thinks they can stop once they start. Why test yourself in this way by trying to drink? You might consider talking with a counselor experienced in addictions who can help you sort out what fears about your girlfriends drinking are "real"--and help you assess whether you truly have nothing to fear about her drinking--and what really has to do with your upbringing.
Regardless, welcome to the club! Take what you like, leave the rest.
I'm glad you have found us. There are many wise tools for living in Al-Anon.
My ex-husband is the alcoholic in my life. He did not taste alcohol until he was 18. He said, "I knew from the very first taste that it was something I could get addicted to." My take on it is that he has the gene, and the gene makes you feel wonderful when you drink. When I drink, I feell kind of dizzy and sick. I don't want to say never, because I know alcohol is a powerful drug, but I thank my lucky stars that apparently I don't have that gene. Because even though my ex knew the dangers of addiction were very high, he wasn't able to stop himself. It is years later and his life is a wreck. I'm very sure that he and those around him wish he had never taken that first drink.
That's just my experience. Maybe something to think about. About your girlfriend -- there are many things that people do that are perfectly fine, but that we don't have to feel comfortable with. I wouldn't feel comfortable being with someone who bungee jumps, just because it worries the heck out of me. I'd be scared all the time that they weren't coming home. It's not a moral disapproval, it's just that it isn't worth that much anxiety to me. Everyone has their comfort level and that's okay. My experience also is that people who grew up around alcoholics tend to be too comfortable in the face of heavy drinking, rather than too controlling around moderate drinkers. They err in the wrong direction because drinking seems so familiar. But everyone has to find their own comfort line.
The alcoholic is going to drink regardless of what we do. That would include if we decide to drink or not drink.
It sounds to me like what you're trying to do is wrap your head around some form of acceptance of her drinking. Maybe you think if you take up drinking you'll suddenly start to feel okay with her behaviors around the drinking?
In my experience with alcohol, alcohol never solves any problems. It just creates them or exaggerates pre-existing problems.
The only thing that has ever helped me personally is spiritual growth. Al-Anon just happened to be the path that I took for that spiritual growth, and I found it helpful. But I have learned that when it comes down to it, it's me and my relationship with my Higher Power where my answers lie. I cannot expect things outside of me to be the solutions to all my problems. Be it possessions, relationships, food or drinks. None of that ever answers my issues. It's an inside job.
I really hate admitting that I've maybe made wrong choices. I'm supposed to be perfect, don'tchaknow. Interesting thing is, I've never perished for admitting maybe I made a bad decision about something or someone.
Hmm, I have kind of been where you are(except that I did drink on and off through my life). I was a heavy drinker in college for my first 2 years until my dad called me up during one of his drunken rants and said awful things to me. I realized I didn't want to turn out like him so I soon was always the designated driver for my sorority sisters, etc. I was paranoid that I'd turn into an out of control drunk and say mean things to people and I chose to quit. At the time, I didn't really have any issues with people and their drinking, though, until my AH (back while we were dating) had an episode of psychotic craziness and got thrown out of a sporting event and he was with the media and had credentials. He swore I was going to break up with him, he had walked home 8 miles on the train tracks and we didn't live together at that time. Anyway, he was remorseful and I forgave him. He swore he would quit drinking, he did. Then he got a job offer from Miller Brewing Company, a 1 year position as a brand manager for Leinenkugels and a few other brands. Anyway, we argued about it and he talked me into it. Somehow for that 1 year he really did do a good job of managing his alcohol intake and kept his job and we also got engaged during that time. I swore I wouldn't marry him if he kept drinking, though. He quit again and we got married. He didn't drink for 15 years and then he started again. My life has been a living h*ll since then including a recent DUI on his part.
Anyway, over the past 2 years I've really come to realize that I am not an alcoholic, but I have skewed opinions of how I view other people's drinking. I am VERY judgemental of it and if I see anyone have more than 3 or 4 drinks, I start to 'label' them an alcoholic. I started drinking with AH about a year and a half ago because he convinced me that we were adults and that we could handle our alcohol, blah, blah, blah. Well, I enjoyed just having a glass of wine with him after dinner and found it relaxing and I enjoyed just trying different varietals, etc. Unfortunately, he'd finish the bottle after I went to bed and I'd wake up and be ticked off that I couldn't drink my nice wine a few nights later because he guzzled it, etc. He was drinking after I went to bed, he was drinking during the day while in his office, and he was hanging out with new buddies at our club and going out and getting plastered with them. He got out of control in a short period of time so I have chosen to NOT drink around him anymore. I still rarely have a glass of wine, usually once or twice a month, but I don't do it because I want to join him! I have a glass of wine because I do actually like the taste of it but I don't ever drink to get drunk, that urge left me back when I was 20, LOL!
Oh, and what Aloha said above is so true: alcohol never solved any problems for me, either. I went along with AH because I thought he sold me a good argument. I have been beating myself up for the past year or so about allowing the alcohol back into our lives but then I reminded myself that I didn't bend anyone else's elbow but my own. I chose to control my drinking, I chose to enjoy a glass of wine once a week or so, but my AH chose to use alcohol to 'fix' his emotional issues and he lost control along the way. He never was capable of having just one and just enjoying it for the taste. His mind always had ulterior motives to taking the second, the third, the fourth, and so on. The addiction was always in control. It's taken me months to wrap my head around that one: I was truly facing the fact that he was an addict. Acceptance is key!
Well you are not going to hear I told you so here.
I think its pretty natural to be worried about drinking around people.
A while back I allowed a co worker to give me a ride home. He ran a red light right in front of a police station! I knew then that was the last ride.
I don't actually ask anyone to give up drinking I just honor that I know people make bad decisions around them.
I don't know that habits can be given up because you love someone enough. I know when I focus on self health I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm fat, don't exercise enough and could do with a regular plan.
I know its pretty common in relationships to focus on what's wrong and be in total commitment. The relationships I had most of my life were total commitment day one. Now I don't have relationships like that but its only because I saw where total commitment day one got me.
Dating is about getting to know people not changing them. When I am considering someone to date I get to know them. If I discover certain things about them I'm not a failure or incapable of relationship I'm taking care of myself. I don't demand they change I set limits and observe. Since dating isn't a live or die endeavor their ability to change isn't going to affect my entire life. I scale back if I run into issues with people about control, demands or any of those things.
I didn't learn any of these things overnight. I certainly absolutely didn't want to change and people could have told me I was going the wrong direction until the cows came home. I wouldn't have been capable of doing it until I was "ready" and "ready" was not at someone else's command.
I'm glad you are here to explore these issues. Growing up in an alcoholic home is a tough one. The good news is that plenty of people have been there and worked through so many of these issues. They are there to help you.
