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I had appt with fertility Dr today but i can't go because of no money I needed to go to this appt now I have to wait another month before I can go again. I was so angry & sad I started to cry & I sent my soberA a heated text that i wanted to tell him off but couldn't cuz no good will come. He called & called but i didn't want to talk. When I called him back he tells me that I'm off for the summer that i knew that the Dr was going to be expensive & that I should have gotten a summer job. He said why don't u go cry to ur alanon friends or are they already tired of u & ur crying. He said u need to get off ur dam pitty pot. I feel so bad like I'm not worthy of anything. I don't know what to do now.
-- Edited by texasgal on Tuesday 3rd of July 2012 01:35:57 PM
I called him & like nothing's happened. I'm still upset & I wanted to yell at him I'm applying online for job. But i didn't I'm sad maybe my HP doesn't want me to have a child. I want to be a mommy so bad with or without my soberA. Of course I would want the family with my soberA but it seems so impossible. I guess I need to ask my HP to heal my heart & take that desire to be a mom away since it doesn't seem to be possible.
Oh my, not sure I could have had as much restraint as you. One of my character defaults is when confronted with sheer stupidity in the form of "lets turn this back around on you despite the evidence", I have a hard time not calling it exactly what it is. Telling you to get another job even though you'd saved money for it? You have every right to be upset in my book. however you keep working your program, dont' listen to me LOL!! Hugs, how stressful, sad and frustrating. Do something good for yourself today.
I'm so sorry and sad for you too, but maybe it's a blessing. Maybe it's a sign to wait a bit longer to make sure it's the right time for that HUGE step in your life/marriage. I love my kids, but I wouldn't be in the same predicament w/o them. I'm trapped-You still have choices. I hope you find some peace and have a nice holiday. Good luck!
I am sorry you are having some painful feelings right now. One of Alanon tools that has helped me alot is "Don't react." Some event or conversation would happen and I would react instantly with whatever emotion came to the surface first. This usually set off a chain reaction of hurt and anger with the other person. I had to learn to slow down and process things. Of course I am entitled to my feelings, but I didn't need to vomit them all over. I found that when I slowed down and processed, I was able to calmly talk to the person about how I was feeling. I was more successful at having the person hear me when I was soft spoken and calm, rather than yelling and screaming. The minute I yelled, they shut down and didn't hear a word I said. Alot of that processing was done with a phone call to my sponsor or another program friend.
Another thing that helps me is to pray for the knowledge of God's will for me and the strength to carry that out, whatever it is.
(((Hugs)))
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Namaste~
"For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Shakespeare
Thx for ur support I'm just taking it 20 min at a time right now. I hate feeling so emotional sometimes I feel because I'm so messed up I'm going to drive everyone out of my life. Why can't I control my anger & sadness. Why can't i get better. I know exactly what I'm supposed to do & I always do the opposite. Is something wrong with me? Am I crazy? My emotional health is really bad.
I'd guess it's a sign that you are wanting your needs to get met, wanting to have things better but not quite sure how to get it. I generally use big emotions as a warning sign that something isn't right and I need to re-evaluate. Each of us will learn to get our needs met our own way and Al Anon has a lot of great tools to help us get there.
I took time for me and I did a lot of thinking and talking to my HP. I think I will try to get a job and pay for everything myself. We are going to use donor sperm anyway. I need to do this for me not for him. Im the one that wants to have a baby. Im tired of always just thinking of him and what he wants. I have wants and desires too. I want to be a mom and nowadays their are many single moms out their and they are doing a great job. My ideal is of course I want my soberA to be with me and share this wonderful experience but maybe he doesn't want to maybe he wants to be with that other woman. Our whole marriage has revolved around him and what he likes and wants. I never decide for anything for myself. Im not proud to say that but it is the truth and I have been running from the truth for too long I need to find myself.
Sometimes I really really really have to practice the whole HALT deal and then sometimes it's HHALT!! (Hormonal, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) Once I take a look as to if I'm meeting my own needs THEN I can have a conversation like a rational normal person and then of course sometimes I just decide to throw my program out an open window and go back and look at it in 20 min. Truthfully the later doesn't work out so well for me all the time .. LOL. It's progress not perfection so please be gentle with yourself. :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Texasgal, perhaps this should be none of my business, but by mentioning the subject of "fertility Dr" you have made it so. Do you really want to bring an innocent child into the world under the circumstances in which you find yourself? I cannot help but wonder about the advisability of that. He doesn't want a child.
Yes, I am sorry you were hurt by your A's words, but more than that I am concerned about your determination to bring a baby into the chaos. Doesn't that seem just a tiny bit unfair at this time? In this time of "anger and sadness" it seems you should gain an understanding and control of yourself first.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva on Wednesday 4th of July 2012 08:35:27 AM
-- Edited by Diva on Wednesday 4th of July 2012 08:37:22 AM
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Oh Texasgal! I feel you so loud and clear. My husband can't get me pregnant because of what he has done to his body/sperm with his hard life and alcohol abuse. I have and still do struggle with that a lot. The desire of my heart is to be a mom, I feel like I was created for, that my purpose in life is to carry, birth and nurture a baby(ies). I don't know how to balance that desire with reality. Then I look at my reality and think what it would be like with a child and also having to deal with my A who is like a baby. In certain ways, if I ask HP to give me perspective, I am thankful I don't have that extra to deal with right now. IDK. If he is not on board with this and acting like this now, just think about what things will look like in 9 mos when the baby didn't even come from his seed! Sperm donor isn't something I've ever considered. If that were the case and I was prepared to be a single mom, I'd consider a live donor and skip the fertility treatment costs!
I prayed & talked with program friends last night. And I made a decision to go ahead with fertility treatments on my own. My desire to be a mom is greater than my desire to be with my soberA. I know that might sound bad but i have given him 16yrs of my life & most of it was terrible. Of course if he wants to be a dad and join me in this journey that would be great but if not I'm ok with that too. I thought with sobriety it would get better but it hasn't he substituted drinking for flirting with women. He just needs that feeling of "happiness" he got when he drank. I know my codependency didn't help out our relationship but i never not even once sought out comfort in another man. The betrayal sometimes is too much for me to handle. Even tho he never slept with any of them I still feel betrayed.
